February 15: In my Circus Acts class, I have a student named Jaime, pronounced “Hi-may”. The other kids have trouble saying it correctly and end up yelling “hymen” across the room when they want his attention. But they enjoyed making balloon dogs. They actually acted like kids for half an hour.
February 16: “If you ride BART this late, you have a 75% chance of being murdered. And there’s two of you, so that’s 150% right there.”
February 17: The winemaker had just finished talking about how the fires had destroyed his home and he and his wife were trying to figure out how to get by when a woman in our tasting group got weirdly pushy about how he should adopt a dog and have babies as soon as possible.
February 18: Our tour guide is from Italy and English is his second language, which lead him to describe everyday actions with deeper, hidden meanings. He pointed out a storage room, where they “store all manner of things” and later explained that wines will taste different “depending on what you have been doing with your mouth all day”.
February 19: Frances Grange opened up a speakeasy underneath the floorboards of the resort’s check-in. She also sold her “fancy table” grapes with instructions on how to not accidentally ferment it and make wine.
February 20: Abel was silently eating a hotdog at snack, which is weird because usually on hot dog day, the kids get so excited they all came up with their own chants for it. I looked around and saw everyone else wolfing down cheese pizza. Then it dawned on me that Abel was eating the hot dog he put ins backpack on Thursday and has been sitting there for over five days.
February 21: When the curtain closed after their class song, a few of the first grade boys jumped in front of the red velvet fabric and dabbed so spastically that for a moment I thought they were having seizures.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
raccoon stalking the playground
February 8: A fourth grade class is out in the yard to practice a coordinated dance. The opening beats of “Baby Got Back” blared out of the sound system.
February 9: My students won the prize of watching a movie with popcorn. They all complained after we voted and decided on The Incredibles, including the ones who voted for that movie. But when it came time for some students to leave for dance practice, they got upset about missing the movie and didn’t want to leave. Those left over crowded around my laptop instead of watching the giant projection of the movie and proceeded to talk through the entire thing, periodically yelling questions to me from across the room about what was happening in the movie.
February 10: We just found out that Nick’s parents use our Netflix account instead of paying for their own. So that’s fun.
February 11: Salt & Straw had a seasonal flavor called Happy Birthday Elvis, which is banana coconut ice cream mixed with jam, peanut butter fudge, and shaved coconut treated to taste just like bacon.
February 12: The journal question was to answer how you are different. Joanna answered that she was different from her brother because he has a mustache and she doesn’t.
February 13: I glanced over the snack table and caught Dora’s eyes. She immediately plastered a smile on her face and promised that everything was fine and nothing had gone wrong. I have never been so scared in my entire life.
February 14: The trash cans overflowed with Valentine’s Day candy wrappers and cheesy cards, whole cupcakes littered the hallways, and a raccoon stalked the playground while there was still light out and almost attacked Melissa.
much love,
hedgie
February 9: My students won the prize of watching a movie with popcorn. They all complained after we voted and decided on The Incredibles, including the ones who voted for that movie. But when it came time for some students to leave for dance practice, they got upset about missing the movie and didn’t want to leave. Those left over crowded around my laptop instead of watching the giant projection of the movie and proceeded to talk through the entire thing, periodically yelling questions to me from across the room about what was happening in the movie.
February 10: We just found out that Nick’s parents use our Netflix account instead of paying for their own. So that’s fun.
February 11: Salt & Straw had a seasonal flavor called Happy Birthday Elvis, which is banana coconut ice cream mixed with jam, peanut butter fudge, and shaved coconut treated to taste just like bacon.
February 12: The journal question was to answer how you are different. Joanna answered that she was different from her brother because he has a mustache and she doesn’t.
February 13: I glanced over the snack table and caught Dora’s eyes. She immediately plastered a smile on her face and promised that everything was fine and nothing had gone wrong. I have never been so scared in my entire life.
February 14: The trash cans overflowed with Valentine’s Day candy wrappers and cheesy cards, whole cupcakes littered the hallways, and a raccoon stalked the playground while there was still light out and almost attacked Melissa.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
explaining groundhog day to children
February 1: I told Dora it was time to read and she told me she couldn’t understand because she did not speak English. I told her again in Spanish, but this time she told me she only speaks Chinese.
“Than how are you speaking to me in English right now?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying.”
February 2: I tried to explain Groundhog Day to my kids. Nothing about it made any sense to them and I’m sure they went home to ask their parents how groundhogs can predict the weather.
February 3: Luli is a huge cheater. She would lean back in her chair until she passed out of Greg’s peripheral vision and mouth the words she wanted us to guess and would just shake her head if my finger started moving towards the wrong square.
February 4: Why is it always Shakespeare in post apocalyptic theater troupes? I’m waiting for a book or movie that follows the people who are responsible for keeping the works of The Three Stooges, Scooby Doo, or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air alive.
February 5: Despite the fact that he always reeks of weed, Shanah’s older brother was hired by the OST program to work with children. He let us know that since he would be on campus when we closed, we would never have to worry about Shanah’s pick up again. Today, he went home without taking Shanah with him and I spent half an hour sitting with her after closing waiting for someone to be sent to pick her up. From across the street.
February 6: One hour of aiding for Ms. Alexander’s class involved a three-minute long video about Martin Luther King Jr., the students writing a single sentence about Mae Jemison that they started last week when I was with them, and forty-five minutes of coloring.
February 7: Last year in my health class, I taught my kids that the occipital lobe was a very fancy lobe, so when they said its name, they had to stick out their pinkies and say it in the highest-pitched voice they could manage. This morning, Maria came in and asked us if we had any idea how her kids already knew all about the brain and why they kept speaking in a weird British accent.
much love,
hedgie
“Than how are you speaking to me in English right now?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying.”
February 2: I tried to explain Groundhog Day to my kids. Nothing about it made any sense to them and I’m sure they went home to ask their parents how groundhogs can predict the weather.
February 3: Luli is a huge cheater. She would lean back in her chair until she passed out of Greg’s peripheral vision and mouth the words she wanted us to guess and would just shake her head if my finger started moving towards the wrong square.
February 4: Why is it always Shakespeare in post apocalyptic theater troupes? I’m waiting for a book or movie that follows the people who are responsible for keeping the works of The Three Stooges, Scooby Doo, or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air alive.
February 5: Despite the fact that he always reeks of weed, Shanah’s older brother was hired by the OST program to work with children. He let us know that since he would be on campus when we closed, we would never have to worry about Shanah’s pick up again. Today, he went home without taking Shanah with him and I spent half an hour sitting with her after closing waiting for someone to be sent to pick her up. From across the street.
February 6: One hour of aiding for Ms. Alexander’s class involved a three-minute long video about Martin Luther King Jr., the students writing a single sentence about Mae Jemison that they started last week when I was with them, and forty-five minutes of coloring.
February 7: Last year in my health class, I taught my kids that the occipital lobe was a very fancy lobe, so when they said its name, they had to stick out their pinkies and say it in the highest-pitched voice they could manage. This morning, Maria came in and asked us if we had any idea how her kids already knew all about the brain and why they kept speaking in a weird British accent.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
chanel no. lice
January 25: Abel opened his backpack. He had left behind his homework folder, his glasses, and his jacket, but he made sure to pack a softball-sized knot of pipe cleaners.
January 26: Reading Partners runs from Monday through Thursday. But this doesn’t stop the same volunteer from coming in every Friday and then complaining that she wasn’t told to not come in.
January 27: Nick’s dad brought up grand children three times within one hour. I don’t know if there is enough wine in the world to get me through the rest of this dinner.
January 28: It’s strange that now that Nick and I are married, we get put in separate beds when we spend the night at his parents’ place. Not quite sure how his dad expects us to make those grandchildren like this.
January 29: Edwin found a jester hat in the bungalow and as soon as he set it on his head, he seemed to be possessed by a middle-aged father of three. He told bad joke after bad joke, ending with him questioning why New Zealand is called New Zealand when it isn’t very new.
January 30: My class broke a new record today. Seven students were crying at the same time and one of them wasn’t even one of my kids. It’s ridiculous because these kids are simultaneously the toughest and the wimpiest kids I know. If they hear a series of gunshots, they don’t bat an eye, but if they think someone looked at them funny, there’s a half hour-long water show.
January 31: Jen and I mixed concoctions of essential oils for everyone at work. I made roll ons for calming smells. Jen made an anti-lice spray that she dubbed “Chanel No. Lice”.
much love,
hedgie
January 26: Reading Partners runs from Monday through Thursday. But this doesn’t stop the same volunteer from coming in every Friday and then complaining that she wasn’t told to not come in.
January 27: Nick’s dad brought up grand children three times within one hour. I don’t know if there is enough wine in the world to get me through the rest of this dinner.
January 28: It’s strange that now that Nick and I are married, we get put in separate beds when we spend the night at his parents’ place. Not quite sure how his dad expects us to make those grandchildren like this.
January 29: Edwin found a jester hat in the bungalow and as soon as he set it on his head, he seemed to be possessed by a middle-aged father of three. He told bad joke after bad joke, ending with him questioning why New Zealand is called New Zealand when it isn’t very new.
January 30: My class broke a new record today. Seven students were crying at the same time and one of them wasn’t even one of my kids. It’s ridiculous because these kids are simultaneously the toughest and the wimpiest kids I know. If they hear a series of gunshots, they don’t bat an eye, but if they think someone looked at them funny, there’s a half hour-long water show.
January 31: Jen and I mixed concoctions of essential oils for everyone at work. I made roll ons for calming smells. Jen made an anti-lice spray that she dubbed “Chanel No. Lice”.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
i'm so angry i could grate cheese
January 17: I was in charge of the anatomy station during the Health Camp Kickoff, where my job was to lead a game where kids list as many body parts as they can in five minutes. The first question I got every game was whether or not they were allowed to write penis.
January 18: It was secret Tootles day. Milo got Benjamin. The nicest thing she could think of to say to him was that he was rude to girls and needed to work on his ability to clean up dominoes.
January 19: It finally happened. One of my students gave me an apple. Cliché completed.
And Jazmine does not want to join my circus acts elective because she already knows how to “jiggle”
January 20: The government shut down again. So that’s fun.
January 21: I finished the second draft of The Scribbler today! Mary is now an orphan and Maybel compulsively builds an operating theater out of books.
January 22: I don’t know where they all came from, but my kids covered my laptop with sticky googly eyes. It’s making me kind of uncomfortable every time I need to use it.
January 23: As the students filed into my classroom, two out of every three of them asked me why they were there and informed me that they didn’t even choose my elective and they didn’t want to be here. Then they asked if I would give them the hacky sacks at the end of the class.
January 24: A handful of students were talking as we walked down the hallway, so I gave the whole class one minute of practicing lines. Luna was near the back of the line. Her eyes narrowed and she gripped his pencil case hard in her hand. “I’m so angry I could grate cheese.”
much love,
hedgie
January 18: It was secret Tootles day. Milo got Benjamin. The nicest thing she could think of to say to him was that he was rude to girls and needed to work on his ability to clean up dominoes.
January 19: It finally happened. One of my students gave me an apple. Cliché completed.
And Jazmine does not want to join my circus acts elective because she already knows how to “jiggle”
January 20: The government shut down again. So that’s fun.
January 21: I finished the second draft of The Scribbler today! Mary is now an orphan and Maybel compulsively builds an operating theater out of books.
January 22: I don’t know where they all came from, but my kids covered my laptop with sticky googly eyes. It’s making me kind of uncomfortable every time I need to use it.
January 23: As the students filed into my classroom, two out of every three of them asked me why they were there and informed me that they didn’t even choose my elective and they didn’t want to be here. Then they asked if I would give them the hacky sacks at the end of the class.
January 24: A handful of students were talking as we walked down the hallway, so I gave the whole class one minute of practicing lines. Luna was near the back of the line. Her eyes narrowed and she gripped his pencil case hard in her hand. “I’m so angry I could grate cheese.”
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
tongue emoji from their father-in-law
January 9: Ana looked so tired this morning that when she ordered a medium coffee, the barista offered to upgrade her to a large for free.
January 10: Turns out Mission Graduates is being sued. A woman slipped in a puddle just outside the doors of our cafeteria and got a daytime commercial lawyer who decided to sue us because the surveillance footage showed Mr. Chris discovering the puddle and trying to clean it up.
January 11: Maria had her kids write lines as punishment for bad behavior. She must not have explained what to do enough because one of her students turned in a piece of paper with ten actual lines drawn across it.
January 12: The kids complained that the 50 point Jeopardy question under the category of Recess was too easy. It asked about the correct way to respond when someone asks to play with you, the answer being yes. Then I asked them if it was so easy, then why do I see so many of them forgetting the correct answer out on the playground?
January 13: Nick’s dad obtained a smoker last week and has been sending out the names of recipes from the book in group texts for the last few days. Each text has at least two variations of “yummy” and three emojis. There is not a good enough reason for anyone to receive a tongue emoji from their father-in-law.
January 14: I neglected to bring three hacks sacks home from work, so I am stuck trying to learn how to juggle with tennis balls while two dogs circle me like great white sharks.
January 15: Reading “Station Eleven” when everyone, including Nick, was succumbing to an inescapable flu was probably a bad idea. Every time he coughs and his voice sounds like his throat is coated in a thick layer of honey, I grow more paranoid that the end of the world is drawing nearer.
January 16: Abel has a tendency to wander off, so his mom always dresses him in neon colors to make it easier for us and for her to spot him when he does. Today he noticed that I have a new laptop. Then he asked if I had transferred Netflix to it and if he could watch Yugioh.
much love,
hedgie
January 10: Turns out Mission Graduates is being sued. A woman slipped in a puddle just outside the doors of our cafeteria and got a daytime commercial lawyer who decided to sue us because the surveillance footage showed Mr. Chris discovering the puddle and trying to clean it up.
January 11: Maria had her kids write lines as punishment for bad behavior. She must not have explained what to do enough because one of her students turned in a piece of paper with ten actual lines drawn across it.
January 12: The kids complained that the 50 point Jeopardy question under the category of Recess was too easy. It asked about the correct way to respond when someone asks to play with you, the answer being yes. Then I asked them if it was so easy, then why do I see so many of them forgetting the correct answer out on the playground?
January 13: Nick’s dad obtained a smoker last week and has been sending out the names of recipes from the book in group texts for the last few days. Each text has at least two variations of “yummy” and three emojis. There is not a good enough reason for anyone to receive a tongue emoji from their father-in-law.
January 14: I neglected to bring three hacks sacks home from work, so I am stuck trying to learn how to juggle with tennis balls while two dogs circle me like great white sharks.
January 15: Reading “Station Eleven” when everyone, including Nick, was succumbing to an inescapable flu was probably a bad idea. Every time he coughs and his voice sounds like his throat is coated in a thick layer of honey, I grow more paranoid that the end of the world is drawing nearer.
January 16: Abel has a tendency to wander off, so his mom always dresses him in neon colors to make it easier for us and for her to spot him when he does. Today he noticed that I have a new laptop. Then he asked if I had transferred Netflix to it and if he could watch Yugioh.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, January 8, 2018
21 kids but only 16 seats
January 1: The wood floors of 221b Baker Street creaked under our feet and I was surprised to discover that neither Mrs. Hudson nor Watson have a bed in their bedrooms. I was also constantly surprised by gaunt was figures that were perfectly placed so that you would not see them until you turned the corner and had a panic attack.
January 2: Charles Dickens used to write at The Anchor Pub, but by far its coolest fact was that our tour guide’s dad had his stag party here and was tied to the lamppost while he was completely naked and his shoes were sent home in a cab.
January 3: Nick was pulled out of the audience twice during our London Dungeon tour. One was so he could get some blood-letting done by the plague doctor’s assistant and again when he was put on trial for robbing a stage coach. I guess that’s what happens when you wear a bright orange jacket to a live performance piece.
January 4: We explored the Herb Garrett Operating Theater today. It was so strange to finally be there in person and to see the table Maybel had been tied to, the stairs the killer descended with the missing Lusk kidney, and the door that the possessed girl storms through to exact her revenge.
January 5: We boarded the plane in Iceland at 5:05PM on Friday night for an eight hour flight and landed in Seattle at 5:05PM on Friday night.
January 6: I think I finally solved the riddle of George’s bouncy walk. He moves his legs wrong. While most dogs move their front left paw to match their back right paw and the front right paw to match their back left paw, George walks entirely on one side before moving to the other.
January 7: I miss my kids, but I have a feeling that half an hour back at school will make me wonder what exactly it was about them that I missed.
January 8: We switched classrooms today and Melissa wanted us to try having all the third graders in one class and all the fourth graders in another, which now means I have 21 kids but only 16 seats.
much love,
hedgie
January 2: Charles Dickens used to write at The Anchor Pub, but by far its coolest fact was that our tour guide’s dad had his stag party here and was tied to the lamppost while he was completely naked and his shoes were sent home in a cab.
January 3: Nick was pulled out of the audience twice during our London Dungeon tour. One was so he could get some blood-letting done by the plague doctor’s assistant and again when he was put on trial for robbing a stage coach. I guess that’s what happens when you wear a bright orange jacket to a live performance piece.
January 4: We explored the Herb Garrett Operating Theater today. It was so strange to finally be there in person and to see the table Maybel had been tied to, the stairs the killer descended with the missing Lusk kidney, and the door that the possessed girl storms through to exact her revenge.
January 5: We boarded the plane in Iceland at 5:05PM on Friday night for an eight hour flight and landed in Seattle at 5:05PM on Friday night.
January 6: I think I finally solved the riddle of George’s bouncy walk. He moves his legs wrong. While most dogs move their front left paw to match their back right paw and the front right paw to match their back left paw, George walks entirely on one side before moving to the other.
January 7: I miss my kids, but I have a feeling that half an hour back at school will make me wonder what exactly it was about them that I missed.
January 8: We switched classrooms today and Melissa wanted us to try having all the third graders in one class and all the fourth graders in another, which now means I have 21 kids but only 16 seats.
much love,
hedgie
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