July 24: An hour into our 8-hour drive to Portland, mom made us pull over at Sears so that she could buy a dog bed for Nora to use in the car.
July 25: Ryan took a wrong turn and led us in a two-hour long drive that ended with us getting escorted out of the woods by a ranger because we had actually ended up trespassing at a federal water reserve.
July 26: We visited Powell’s today and I now have twice as much luggage to take home as I did on the trip up here. While waiting at the cash register, dad talked about my last essay. His favorite part about my work is how I tell two stories and he doesn’t know how I am going to connect the two, but then I somehow do.
July 27: The concert was too kid-friendly for my family’s liking, so we ended up playing badminton while still sitting on our blankets and holding a beer in one hand.
July 28: We all thought dad was joking when he tipped backwards and fell into the river the once time we hit bumpy water. It turns out that the rocks popped his inner tube. Ryan watched him calmly from his tube as dad resurfaced and walked towards land. “Dad almost drowned,” he yelled to let everyone know he was alright. “But he saved the beer.”
July 29: The woman who led us around the Oregon Vortex warned us to hold onto the handrails when we entered the house. “Earlier, I had a guy who thought he could handle it and then he superman-ed straight out of that window.”
July 30: I took my family to the Ferry Building for lunch and ice cream and somehow managed to come home with three more books. I think I’m up to nine just from this week now.
July 31: I slept in until noon today. My family is exhausting.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, July 31, 2017
Sunday, July 23, 2017
yolo and tears
July 15: After the screening to Beauty and the Beast in Union Square, Nick and I met up with Angi, Matt, and Jeremy. We wound up at a 24-hour diner that served mediocre malted shakes and floats. We spent most of that night trying to figure out what exactly malt is.
July 16: I remember the first time I heard my mother cuss. I was sitting on the stairs and she walked through the hallway, carrying two arm’s worth of binders and paperwork. She dropped them and yelled shit as she stared at the mess. Her eyes moved upward, and she saw me sitting nearby.
“Shoot,” she said. “I mean shoot.”
I looked at her for a moment and tried my best to reassure her. “Mom, I’m 23 now. It’s okay.”
July 17: The highlight of my day was when I heard a toddler yell “YOLO!” and then immediately burst into tears.
July 18: Ryan texted me, asking for help to invent names for a fake roller derby team for a short he was working on. Little did he know how prepared I was for this conversation.
1 Charlotte Brawn-te
2 Zelda Fists-gerald
3 Dorothy Puncher
4 Sylvia Wrath
5 Hurting-ya' Woolf
6 J.K. Brawling
7 Pain Austen
8 Ayn Ram
9 Scary Shelly
10 Edith Gore-ton
11 Harriet Bruiser Stowe
12 Toni Where-ya-goin'-son
13 Harmer Lee
14 Louisa May Blood-clot
15 Maya Hit-down-low
16 Malice Walker
17 ZZ Pack-a-punch
18 Em-melee Dickinson
19 Agatha Crush-die
20 Flannery O'Cutter
Team: The Pulverize Prize Winners
July 19: The lawns at Dolores Park are being aerated. Addie spent our entire visit eating clumps of dirt and grass.
July 20: The angry bus drivers were making George nervous with their eternal honking and clattering down the road. He seems convinced that that farther up onto my chest he climbs, the better I can protect him from danger.
July 21: Two cops stood over a guy sitting on the curb with his hands behind his back. To one side of them was a bike locked to a bike rack. A pair of bright blue cable cutters dangled from the bike’s cable. A third cop was taking notes while talking to a Michael Jackson impersonator.
July 22: I am obsessed with other people’s obsessions. I love to see what people do in their spare time, especially when it is unexpected or strangely specific. The more money, time, and effort they put into these hobbies or events, the more I am interested in what draws them to it. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wetsuits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? These questions always make me wonder what I am missing and remind me that there is still magic in the world.
July 23: The tour guide had just finished the demonstration of the machinery that slams shut the heavy jail cell bar doors when the power went out. It was almost exactly nine o’clock, so we thought it was on purpose until a guard glanced around, pulled a flashlight off his belt and muttered, “That’s not supposed to happen.”
much love,
hedgie
July 16: I remember the first time I heard my mother cuss. I was sitting on the stairs and she walked through the hallway, carrying two arm’s worth of binders and paperwork. She dropped them and yelled shit as she stared at the mess. Her eyes moved upward, and she saw me sitting nearby.
“Shoot,” she said. “I mean shoot.”
I looked at her for a moment and tried my best to reassure her. “Mom, I’m 23 now. It’s okay.”
July 17: The highlight of my day was when I heard a toddler yell “YOLO!” and then immediately burst into tears.
July 18: Ryan texted me, asking for help to invent names for a fake roller derby team for a short he was working on. Little did he know how prepared I was for this conversation.
1 Charlotte Brawn-te
2 Zelda Fists-gerald
3 Dorothy Puncher
4 Sylvia Wrath
5 Hurting-ya' Woolf
6 J.K. Brawling
7 Pain Austen
8 Ayn Ram
9 Scary Shelly
10 Edith Gore-ton
11 Harriet Bruiser Stowe
12 Toni Where-ya-goin'-son
13 Harmer Lee
14 Louisa May Blood-clot
15 Maya Hit-down-low
16 Malice Walker
17 ZZ Pack-a-punch
18 Em-melee Dickinson
19 Agatha Crush-die
20 Flannery O'Cutter
Team: The Pulverize Prize Winners
July 19: The lawns at Dolores Park are being aerated. Addie spent our entire visit eating clumps of dirt and grass.
July 20: The angry bus drivers were making George nervous with their eternal honking and clattering down the road. He seems convinced that that farther up onto my chest he climbs, the better I can protect him from danger.
July 21: Two cops stood over a guy sitting on the curb with his hands behind his back. To one side of them was a bike locked to a bike rack. A pair of bright blue cable cutters dangled from the bike’s cable. A third cop was taking notes while talking to a Michael Jackson impersonator.
July 22: I am obsessed with other people’s obsessions. I love to see what people do in their spare time, especially when it is unexpected or strangely specific. The more money, time, and effort they put into these hobbies or events, the more I am interested in what draws them to it. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wetsuits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? These questions always make me wonder what I am missing and remind me that there is still magic in the world.
July 23: The tour guide had just finished the demonstration of the machinery that slams shut the heavy jail cell bar doors when the power went out. It was almost exactly nine o’clock, so we thought it was on purpose until a guard glanced around, pulled a flashlight off his belt and muttered, “That’s not supposed to happen.”
much love,
hedgie
Friday, July 14, 2017
45% alcohol
July 8: At the Cheeseburger Cat Cabaret, there was a robot comedian. He was wheeled onstage and he had an iPad for a face with two tall grey rectangles for eyes and a larger grey rectangle for a mouth that fluctuated in size while he was talking. “How many kidnapped children does it take to screw in a light bulb?” he asked. He had long, wooden fingers that quivered as he moved from side to side. “Apparently more than three because my basement is still dark.
July 9: Two books and three months later, I am finally done with a full rough draft of my essay about the golden fire hydrant ceremony!
July 10: All the students who read every day during the summer program selected which teacher they wanted to throw a pie at in the last week. Sixteen students chose me.
July 11: At The California Academy of Sciences, Joanna and Angie found a machine that would record your voice and play it back to you the way it would sound if we were deep sea diving. It made our voices so shrill that it hurt my ears. We sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks on helium.
July 12: As always, George has become more popular than me. My co-workers say good morning to him before talking to me. Xavier even made a friendship bracelet for George out of orange pipe cleaners and wrapped it gently around his front right paw.
July 13: My day began with a homeless man trying to pee on me as I was walking to work. It ended with all the teachers taking over the two bounce houses after all the students were picked up. I guess it all balances out.
July 14: Nick found a bottle of 8-year old bourbon whiskey called Buck. I sent a picture to Dad, who, amazed by the coincidence, immediately texted back that he also used to BE eight years old. I then pointed out that they were both also 45% alcohol.
much love,
hedgie
July 9: Two books and three months later, I am finally done with a full rough draft of my essay about the golden fire hydrant ceremony!
July 10: All the students who read every day during the summer program selected which teacher they wanted to throw a pie at in the last week. Sixteen students chose me.
July 11: At The California Academy of Sciences, Joanna and Angie found a machine that would record your voice and play it back to you the way it would sound if we were deep sea diving. It made our voices so shrill that it hurt my ears. We sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks on helium.
July 12: As always, George has become more popular than me. My co-workers say good morning to him before talking to me. Xavier even made a friendship bracelet for George out of orange pipe cleaners and wrapped it gently around his front right paw.
July 13: My day began with a homeless man trying to pee on me as I was walking to work. It ended with all the teachers taking over the two bounce houses after all the students were picked up. I guess it all balances out.
July 14: Nick found a bottle of 8-year old bourbon whiskey called Buck. I sent a picture to Dad, who, amazed by the coincidence, immediately texted back that he also used to BE eight years old. I then pointed out that they were both also 45% alcohol.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, July 7, 2017
the monkey without a shadow
July 1: After the AmeriCorps closing ceremony, Nick and I went to the Diving Dog with Kassy, Rachael and their girlfriends. We were out late, drinking mango beer and it quickly devolved into six full-grown adults spending half an hour talking about farts.
July 2: Nick is giving Addie a bath. Every time she shakes the water off of her, I can hear Nick let out a heavy sigh and then say, “thanks”.
July 3: Duolingo had me practice “El mono sin sombra”. I now have no other choice but to write a noir novel and title it “The Monkey Without a Shadow”.
July 4: People have been setting off fireworks all week and in broad daylight, so the dogs have been on edge. We spent our Fourth of July inside to try to calm them. We had a Sharknado marathon and turned the volume on full blast in hopes it would drown out the explosions outside.
July 5: Edwin won a pair of plastic, green vampire teeth in the raffle drawing today. He spent all of snack yelling “breakdancing vampire” and trying his best to do windmills in the school cafeteria.
July 6: I taught my marine biology lesson about bioluminescence today. Pretty quickly after I broke out the highlighters and the black light, my students were growing neon-colored mustaches and glowing six pack abs.
July 7: I spent all day pretending to be impressed by every single jump, spin, and paddle my kids did at the lake. They wanted me to see every move they made and shouted my name over and over so that I would watch them. And I am realizing how my family spent my entire childhood just humoring me.
much love,
hedgie
July 2: Nick is giving Addie a bath. Every time she shakes the water off of her, I can hear Nick let out a heavy sigh and then say, “thanks”.
July 3: Duolingo had me practice “El mono sin sombra”. I now have no other choice but to write a noir novel and title it “The Monkey Without a Shadow”.
July 4: People have been setting off fireworks all week and in broad daylight, so the dogs have been on edge. We spent our Fourth of July inside to try to calm them. We had a Sharknado marathon and turned the volume on full blast in hopes it would drown out the explosions outside.
July 5: Edwin won a pair of plastic, green vampire teeth in the raffle drawing today. He spent all of snack yelling “breakdancing vampire” and trying his best to do windmills in the school cafeteria.
July 6: I taught my marine biology lesson about bioluminescence today. Pretty quickly after I broke out the highlighters and the black light, my students were growing neon-colored mustaches and glowing six pack abs.
July 7: I spent all day pretending to be impressed by every single jump, spin, and paddle my kids did at the lake. They wanted me to see every move they made and shouted my name over and over so that I would watch them. And I am realizing how my family spent my entire childhood just humoring me.
much love,
hedgie
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