January 17: I was in charge of the anatomy station during the Health Camp Kickoff, where my job was to lead a game where kids list as many body parts as they can in five minutes. The first question I got every game was whether or not they were allowed to write penis.
January 18: It was secret Tootles day. Milo got Benjamin. The nicest thing she could think of to say to him was that he was rude to girls and needed to work on his ability to clean up dominoes.
January 19: It finally happened. One of my students gave me an apple. Cliché completed.
And Jazmine does not want to join my circus acts elective because she already knows how to “jiggle”
January 20: The government shut down again. So that’s fun.
January 21: I finished the second draft of The Scribbler today! Mary is now an orphan and Maybel compulsively builds an operating theater out of books.
January 22: I don’t know where they all came from, but my kids covered my laptop with sticky googly eyes. It’s making me kind of uncomfortable every time I need to use it.
January 23: As the students filed into my classroom, two out of every three of them asked me why they were there and informed me that they didn’t even choose my elective and they didn’t want to be here. Then they asked if I would give them the hacky sacks at the end of the class.
January 24: A handful of students were talking as we walked down the hallway, so I gave the whole class one minute of practicing lines. Luna was near the back of the line. Her eyes narrowed and she gripped his pencil case hard in her hand. “I’m so angry I could grate cheese.”
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
tongue emoji from their father-in-law
January 9: Ana looked so tired this morning that when she ordered a medium coffee, the barista offered to upgrade her to a large for free.
January 10: Turns out Mission Graduates is being sued. A woman slipped in a puddle just outside the doors of our cafeteria and got a daytime commercial lawyer who decided to sue us because the surveillance footage showed Mr. Chris discovering the puddle and trying to clean it up.
January 11: Maria had her kids write lines as punishment for bad behavior. She must not have explained what to do enough because one of her students turned in a piece of paper with ten actual lines drawn across it.
January 12: The kids complained that the 50 point Jeopardy question under the category of Recess was too easy. It asked about the correct way to respond when someone asks to play with you, the answer being yes. Then I asked them if it was so easy, then why do I see so many of them forgetting the correct answer out on the playground?
January 13: Nick’s dad obtained a smoker last week and has been sending out the names of recipes from the book in group texts for the last few days. Each text has at least two variations of “yummy” and three emojis. There is not a good enough reason for anyone to receive a tongue emoji from their father-in-law.
January 14: I neglected to bring three hacks sacks home from work, so I am stuck trying to learn how to juggle with tennis balls while two dogs circle me like great white sharks.
January 15: Reading “Station Eleven” when everyone, including Nick, was succumbing to an inescapable flu was probably a bad idea. Every time he coughs and his voice sounds like his throat is coated in a thick layer of honey, I grow more paranoid that the end of the world is drawing nearer.
January 16: Abel has a tendency to wander off, so his mom always dresses him in neon colors to make it easier for us and for her to spot him when he does. Today he noticed that I have a new laptop. Then he asked if I had transferred Netflix to it and if he could watch Yugioh.
much love,
hedgie
January 10: Turns out Mission Graduates is being sued. A woman slipped in a puddle just outside the doors of our cafeteria and got a daytime commercial lawyer who decided to sue us because the surveillance footage showed Mr. Chris discovering the puddle and trying to clean it up.
January 11: Maria had her kids write lines as punishment for bad behavior. She must not have explained what to do enough because one of her students turned in a piece of paper with ten actual lines drawn across it.
January 12: The kids complained that the 50 point Jeopardy question under the category of Recess was too easy. It asked about the correct way to respond when someone asks to play with you, the answer being yes. Then I asked them if it was so easy, then why do I see so many of them forgetting the correct answer out on the playground?
January 13: Nick’s dad obtained a smoker last week and has been sending out the names of recipes from the book in group texts for the last few days. Each text has at least two variations of “yummy” and three emojis. There is not a good enough reason for anyone to receive a tongue emoji from their father-in-law.
January 14: I neglected to bring three hacks sacks home from work, so I am stuck trying to learn how to juggle with tennis balls while two dogs circle me like great white sharks.
January 15: Reading “Station Eleven” when everyone, including Nick, was succumbing to an inescapable flu was probably a bad idea. Every time he coughs and his voice sounds like his throat is coated in a thick layer of honey, I grow more paranoid that the end of the world is drawing nearer.
January 16: Abel has a tendency to wander off, so his mom always dresses him in neon colors to make it easier for us and for her to spot him when he does. Today he noticed that I have a new laptop. Then he asked if I had transferred Netflix to it and if he could watch Yugioh.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, January 8, 2018
21 kids but only 16 seats
January 1: The wood floors of 221b Baker Street creaked under our feet and I was surprised to discover that neither Mrs. Hudson nor Watson have a bed in their bedrooms. I was also constantly surprised by gaunt was figures that were perfectly placed so that you would not see them until you turned the corner and had a panic attack.
January 2: Charles Dickens used to write at The Anchor Pub, but by far its coolest fact was that our tour guide’s dad had his stag party here and was tied to the lamppost while he was completely naked and his shoes were sent home in a cab.
January 3: Nick was pulled out of the audience twice during our London Dungeon tour. One was so he could get some blood-letting done by the plague doctor’s assistant and again when he was put on trial for robbing a stage coach. I guess that’s what happens when you wear a bright orange jacket to a live performance piece.
January 4: We explored the Herb Garrett Operating Theater today. It was so strange to finally be there in person and to see the table Maybel had been tied to, the stairs the killer descended with the missing Lusk kidney, and the door that the possessed girl storms through to exact her revenge.
January 5: We boarded the plane in Iceland at 5:05PM on Friday night for an eight hour flight and landed in Seattle at 5:05PM on Friday night.
January 6: I think I finally solved the riddle of George’s bouncy walk. He moves his legs wrong. While most dogs move their front left paw to match their back right paw and the front right paw to match their back left paw, George walks entirely on one side before moving to the other.
January 7: I miss my kids, but I have a feeling that half an hour back at school will make me wonder what exactly it was about them that I missed.
January 8: We switched classrooms today and Melissa wanted us to try having all the third graders in one class and all the fourth graders in another, which now means I have 21 kids but only 16 seats.
much love,
hedgie
January 2: Charles Dickens used to write at The Anchor Pub, but by far its coolest fact was that our tour guide’s dad had his stag party here and was tied to the lamppost while he was completely naked and his shoes were sent home in a cab.
January 3: Nick was pulled out of the audience twice during our London Dungeon tour. One was so he could get some blood-letting done by the plague doctor’s assistant and again when he was put on trial for robbing a stage coach. I guess that’s what happens when you wear a bright orange jacket to a live performance piece.
January 4: We explored the Herb Garrett Operating Theater today. It was so strange to finally be there in person and to see the table Maybel had been tied to, the stairs the killer descended with the missing Lusk kidney, and the door that the possessed girl storms through to exact her revenge.
January 5: We boarded the plane in Iceland at 5:05PM on Friday night for an eight hour flight and landed in Seattle at 5:05PM on Friday night.
January 6: I think I finally solved the riddle of George’s bouncy walk. He moves his legs wrong. While most dogs move their front left paw to match their back right paw and the front right paw to match their back left paw, George walks entirely on one side before moving to the other.
January 7: I miss my kids, but I have a feeling that half an hour back at school will make me wonder what exactly it was about them that I missed.
January 8: We switched classrooms today and Melissa wanted us to try having all the third graders in one class and all the fourth graders in another, which now means I have 21 kids but only 16 seats.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, December 31, 2017
scratching fanny of cock lane
December 25: The sun barely breached the mountain top that hunched over the Blue Lagoon before it started sinking into sunset again. It was defenseless against the fog that would make Nick disappear every time he swam more than five feet away from me.
December 26: Various similes that came to mind while watching the Northern Lights:
Like water coloring painting with the inside of a green glow stick.
Like god playing a galactic keyboard.
Like the flickering steam that bubbled up when my dad threw an ice cube on the still hot teppan table at Shogun.
December 27: It was a 45-minute walk to the plane wreck on Black Sand Beach, which might explain why on our trek back to the car, we saw a family flying a drone out to view it instead.
December 28: The cabins had a three hot tubs stationed nearby. Nick and I ran to them, barefoot through the snow and only marginally wrapped in the tiny bathroom towels they provided. The sensor for the light above the hot tub was too cold to register movement and continued to flicker on and off while we mapped out our plan to get back to the cabin without slipping on the ice-coated steps.
December 29: The Friðheimar restaurant is built inside of the greenhouse that produces 18% of Iceland’s tomatoes. Inside the building, you can find hundreds of bees and tomato ice cream.
December 30: I will forever be indebted to The Ghost Bus Tours for teaching me about the ghost story that ran in the newspapers with the headline: Scratching Fanny of Cock Lane.
December 31: I’m a little disappointed at how dignified the souvenirs are in London. I was hoping to find a ridiculous magnet of Mr. Bean or a dolled up corgi, but everything I could find was frustratingly tasteful and refined.
much love,
hedgie
December 26: Various similes that came to mind while watching the Northern Lights:
Like water coloring painting with the inside of a green glow stick.
Like god playing a galactic keyboard.
Like the flickering steam that bubbled up when my dad threw an ice cube on the still hot teppan table at Shogun.
December 27: It was a 45-minute walk to the plane wreck on Black Sand Beach, which might explain why on our trek back to the car, we saw a family flying a drone out to view it instead.
December 28: The cabins had a three hot tubs stationed nearby. Nick and I ran to them, barefoot through the snow and only marginally wrapped in the tiny bathroom towels they provided. The sensor for the light above the hot tub was too cold to register movement and continued to flicker on and off while we mapped out our plan to get back to the cabin without slipping on the ice-coated steps.
December 29: The Friðheimar restaurant is built inside of the greenhouse that produces 18% of Iceland’s tomatoes. Inside the building, you can find hundreds of bees and tomato ice cream.
December 30: I will forever be indebted to The Ghost Bus Tours for teaching me about the ghost story that ran in the newspapers with the headline: Scratching Fanny of Cock Lane.
December 31: I’m a little disappointed at how dignified the souvenirs are in London. I was hoping to find a ridiculous magnet of Mr. Bean or a dolled up corgi, but everything I could find was frustratingly tasteful and refined.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, December 24, 2017
a country, a hot tub, and a solid gold hedgehog
December 18: Today’s community circle question was what everyone was going to buy me for Christmas. A few were modest and said cookies while others were more generous and claimed they would buy me a country, a hot tub, and a solid gold hedgehog.
December 19: Last year, Eddie went home with a giant carton of Nutella and a Magic Mike dvd. A lot of people were jealous. Especially since over the years, people have left the White Elephant gift exchange with a paperclips, one pack of batteries, or an empty box.
December 20: Briana won the poetry contest. Her prize was a new soccer ball, a special notebook, and a fluorescent pink pencil. On the first page of her new notebook, she drew a picture of me. It melted my heart until she began pinching people again ten minutes later.
December 21: I know I’m not supposed to judge children’s likes and dislikes, but when one of them claims that Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka movie was better than the Gene Wilder one, then I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
December 22: Margaret was obsessed with Daniel Radcliffe when we were in high school. There was one day when one of her sisters had a dream where Daniel Radcliffe was speaking directly to her and told her to check all her pant pockets when she woke up. Then he said he was going to go into Margaret’s dream. When they went through all her sister’s pant pockets, they found a scrap piece of paper with half of a phone number. This was the part of the story where Margaret bemoans that she couldn’t remember Daniel’s message in her dream and finish the rest of the puzzle. This is what I love about her. Not once did she just shrug off her sister’s dream or even doubt that Daniel Radcliffe tried to communicate with her. She immediately jumps to the conclusion that it all happened as dream Daniel promised it would and she just forgot.
December 23: It has been an adjustment getting used to Icelandic cuisine. Today, Nick ate fermented shark in a marketplace and we both had course that was dung-smoked at dinner.
December 24: Nick lead us down a rocky path where we used a foot bath-sized hot spring on the beach next to a shack filled with hanging chunks of fermenting shark in a snowstorm. I am not positive that Iceland is real.
much love,
hedgie
December 19: Last year, Eddie went home with a giant carton of Nutella and a Magic Mike dvd. A lot of people were jealous. Especially since over the years, people have left the White Elephant gift exchange with a paperclips, one pack of batteries, or an empty box.
December 20: Briana won the poetry contest. Her prize was a new soccer ball, a special notebook, and a fluorescent pink pencil. On the first page of her new notebook, she drew a picture of me. It melted my heart until she began pinching people again ten minutes later.
December 21: I know I’m not supposed to judge children’s likes and dislikes, but when one of them claims that Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka movie was better than the Gene Wilder one, then I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
December 22: Margaret was obsessed with Daniel Radcliffe when we were in high school. There was one day when one of her sisters had a dream where Daniel Radcliffe was speaking directly to her and told her to check all her pant pockets when she woke up. Then he said he was going to go into Margaret’s dream. When they went through all her sister’s pant pockets, they found a scrap piece of paper with half of a phone number. This was the part of the story where Margaret bemoans that she couldn’t remember Daniel’s message in her dream and finish the rest of the puzzle. This is what I love about her. Not once did she just shrug off her sister’s dream or even doubt that Daniel Radcliffe tried to communicate with her. She immediately jumps to the conclusion that it all happened as dream Daniel promised it would and she just forgot.
December 23: It has been an adjustment getting used to Icelandic cuisine. Today, Nick ate fermented shark in a marketplace and we both had course that was dung-smoked at dinner.
December 24: Nick lead us down a rocky path where we used a foot bath-sized hot spring on the beach next to a shack filled with hanging chunks of fermenting shark in a snowstorm. I am not positive that Iceland is real.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, December 17, 2017
chair privileges
December 10: I spent all day in my pajamas. It was awesome.
December 11: Two of my students lost their chair privileges today. They kept purposely sitting in them wrong so that they would loudly tumble to the ground and get everyone’s attention. They had to spend half the day sitting on the rainbow rug.
December 12: I held the envelope up above my head for all of them to see. It contained the name of the winner of the poetry contest between us and my dad’s creative writing class. The fifth grade boys were legitimately terrified because if we lost, the bet stipulated we had to eat bugs and I told them I went to the bait shop that morning to buy a bag full of earthworms.
December 13: Maria bought tickets for her and her parents to go see Aladdin for Christmas. I mentioned that I was going to see it too. Then we found out that while Nick paid $80 for two tickets, Maria had paid $500 for three tickets. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me, “I hope your seats have partial obscurity.”
December 14: The latest toy trend is squishes, which are just the squishy versions of everyday objects. The more popular ones are ice cream cones and slices of chocolate cake. But at recess, I saw one girl squeezing a squishy entire loaf of bread.
December 15: During the school Christmas showcase, we had to break up a fight between two parents. Their sons had gotten into a fight and while relaying what had taken place, one of the mothers repeatedly yelled the n-word over and over again right in front of the TK class.
December 16: Nick trimmed my hair using electric clippers. The vibrations tickled my neck and made it very difficult to sit still.
December 17: Greg’s favorite feature of his new Tesla is what he calls the “chivalry button” that will open the passenger door for Elaine without him having to leave the car.
much love,
hedgie
December 11: Two of my students lost their chair privileges today. They kept purposely sitting in them wrong so that they would loudly tumble to the ground and get everyone’s attention. They had to spend half the day sitting on the rainbow rug.
December 12: I held the envelope up above my head for all of them to see. It contained the name of the winner of the poetry contest between us and my dad’s creative writing class. The fifth grade boys were legitimately terrified because if we lost, the bet stipulated we had to eat bugs and I told them I went to the bait shop that morning to buy a bag full of earthworms.
December 13: Maria bought tickets for her and her parents to go see Aladdin for Christmas. I mentioned that I was going to see it too. Then we found out that while Nick paid $80 for two tickets, Maria had paid $500 for three tickets. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me, “I hope your seats have partial obscurity.”
December 14: The latest toy trend is squishes, which are just the squishy versions of everyday objects. The more popular ones are ice cream cones and slices of chocolate cake. But at recess, I saw one girl squeezing a squishy entire loaf of bread.
December 15: During the school Christmas showcase, we had to break up a fight between two parents. Their sons had gotten into a fight and while relaying what had taken place, one of the mothers repeatedly yelled the n-word over and over again right in front of the TK class.
December 16: Nick trimmed my hair using electric clippers. The vibrations tickled my neck and made it very difficult to sit still.
December 17: Greg’s favorite feature of his new Tesla is what he calls the “chivalry button” that will open the passenger door for Elaine without him having to leave the car.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, December 9, 2017
she said, “I just ate the skull” and then giggled
December 1: Miss Connie brought in balut to work and ate it while standing over the trashcan. All of our coworkers were horrified, especially when she said, “I just ate the skull” and then giggled.
December 2: There was a sushi restaurant on the corner that advertised their “All You Can It Sushi”. The sign went uncorrected for years, which my brothers loved. I wasn’t much of a fan of actually eating there. They shared a wall with an exotic bird store, so the restaurant always smelled like birds and seed.
December 3: My new laptop arrived! It’s so beautiful and doesn’t take fifteen minutes to load a three minute long video!
December 4: One of our neighbors has now taped a sign on his trashcan saying that he has installed a camera inside of it and would post photos of anyone who threw dog poop away in it on social media. I can’t decide if this guy is just really weird about his trashcan or if it’s a genius ploy to get angry people to actually clean up after their dogs.
December 5: Rah has been working on his own version of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and has been gathering quotes from all the teachers to write on the back.
“This looks awesome!”—Miss Heather
“Where am I on there?”—Miss Ana
December 6: Kiara started in my class today. She has made quite the impression on all the other staff members as she began a wrestling match at the beginning to class and was picked up half an hour after we close.
December 7: Shanah cried at least a dozen times today. What surprises me most is that she didn’t collapse from dehydration at any point.
December 8: Dora wants to leave the soccer team because the boys won’t stop making ball sack jokes.
December 9: The Google Christmas party employed two women who did nothing but swing back and forth on long poles. They wore long, white dresses that covered the poles so that they looked like they were fifteen feet tall. When they climbed down from on the poles to go on break, they pulled up the long fabric draping down to reveal that they were both wearing leggings and converse underneath.
much love,
hedgie
December 2: There was a sushi restaurant on the corner that advertised their “All You Can It Sushi”. The sign went uncorrected for years, which my brothers loved. I wasn’t much of a fan of actually eating there. They shared a wall with an exotic bird store, so the restaurant always smelled like birds and seed.
December 3: My new laptop arrived! It’s so beautiful and doesn’t take fifteen minutes to load a three minute long video!
December 4: One of our neighbors has now taped a sign on his trashcan saying that he has installed a camera inside of it and would post photos of anyone who threw dog poop away in it on social media. I can’t decide if this guy is just really weird about his trashcan or if it’s a genius ploy to get angry people to actually clean up after their dogs.
December 5: Rah has been working on his own version of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and has been gathering quotes from all the teachers to write on the back.
“This looks awesome!”—Miss Heather
“Where am I on there?”—Miss Ana
December 6: Kiara started in my class today. She has made quite the impression on all the other staff members as she began a wrestling match at the beginning to class and was picked up half an hour after we close.
December 7: Shanah cried at least a dozen times today. What surprises me most is that she didn’t collapse from dehydration at any point.
December 8: Dora wants to leave the soccer team because the boys won’t stop making ball sack jokes.
December 9: The Google Christmas party employed two women who did nothing but swing back and forth on long poles. They wore long, white dresses that covered the poles so that they looked like they were fifteen feet tall. When they climbed down from on the poles to go on break, they pulled up the long fabric draping down to reveal that they were both wearing leggings and converse underneath.
much love,
hedgie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)