September 17: Mr. Wood’s came had a black eye from trying to calm down a child who was throwing around everything in the class he could pick up. That child has a two-day suspension, which is the first suspension I have ever heard of taking place at this school. Not even the kid who repeatedly pulled the fire alarm got suspended. He wrote one anonymous apology letter.
September 18: “This is our blubber glove so we can experience what it feels like for whales to be in cold water.”
“What’s in it?”
“Crisco. It’s used for baking as a butter substitute.”
“Can I eat it?”
“Please don’t.”
“But I love butter.”
“You would eat just butter?”
“I can eat a whole stick. I like to put it on chocolate.”
September 19: By the time my kids came down for supper, there weren’t enough hot dogs for them to have seconds. They took it very, very personally.
September 20: I taught my Endangered Species class about the Black Crested Macaques that figured out how to take selfies. After they got over the whole bright pink butt thing, they got surprisingly into the court case that followed. “How can PETA know what the monkey is thinking? Are they just like ‘I can read the monkey’s mind and they want to sue you and you and you?’”
September 21: Addie is not able to sense earthquakes before they happen, but apparently she can predict when George is about to have a bout of diarrhea. At three in the morning, she started pacing the room and whining until Nick took them out. Which is double strange because George shows no symptoms of anything bad about to happen until it is already too late.
September 22: Nick decided that today we would have a tea parade. He brewed a mug for all five teas that he brought home from Singapore. He even chose themed mugs so that we could tell which was which. The Unicorn green tea was in a green mug. The detox tea was in my teacher mug because being a teacher means I need to detox. The Singapore Breakfast was in a red mug because it matched the red tin. The white tea was in a white box. And the Royal Tea was in an Elvis mug because that is the closest thing we had to royalty.
September 23: I have 22 fourth graders stuffed into a room that is set up for 15 second graders. They can’t all sit in their chairs without moving the table farther away from each other and they can’t all fit on the rainbow rug at the same time because the cabinets are positioned right at the edges and there is no space for overflow.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Sunday, September 16, 2018
snorting cocaine off a clown’s dick
September 9: We walked to Dolores Park and Katie pointed out a grown man wearing a rainbow unicorn onesie. Katie couldn’t stop staring at him because she wasn’t used to people dressing this way. All I could think of was how hot it must be wearing that on a sunny day like this.
September 10: I planned my lessons for the week, including community building games like ‘Never Have I Ever’ and ‘Vroom, Vroom, Screech’. Then I realized that I was teaching children the games I learned from drinking heavily in college while playing King’s Cup.
September 11: After each round, the kid who was eliminated from animal musical chairs would name their favorite animal. The kids still in the game would walk around the circle of chairs in the manner of the named animal. They had a difficult time trying to figure out how to walk like a chameleon and just squinted suspiciously at each other.
September 12: Jen said she was coming in late today because she needed to drop her kids off at the airport. She sent out a group text, saying she was at Boba Guys and asking if anyone wanted anything. Melissa looked up from her desk. “Tell her I want her to come in to work.”
September 13: Christy once took a candle-making class. She was able to choose the scent she wanted to work with. Among the normal choices of scents like lavender and vanilla was ‘freshly washed man’.
September 14: Everyone’s little brothers became very different adults than I expected them to be. Lydia’s brother David now burns holes into people’s chests and apply frog flesh to the holes, which causes them to vomit while he plays the flute. Emily’s brother Jake had a lot of beers and we ended having a conversation about snorting cocaine off a clown’s dick.
September 15: Though Lydia’s wedding day was full of touching moments and tender scenes, the memory that will always stick out in my mind was her excited naked dance while screaming “I’m getting married”at the top of the stairs before she took her morning shower.
September 16: Lydia’s wedding photographer cancelled on them three hours before the wedding by email. Nick ended taking pictures of everything and took his duty so seriously that everyone thought he was the actual hired photographer and were confused as to why he was helping clean up the venue the next morning.
much love,
hedgie
September 10: I planned my lessons for the week, including community building games like ‘Never Have I Ever’ and ‘Vroom, Vroom, Screech’. Then I realized that I was teaching children the games I learned from drinking heavily in college while playing King’s Cup.
September 11: After each round, the kid who was eliminated from animal musical chairs would name their favorite animal. The kids still in the game would walk around the circle of chairs in the manner of the named animal. They had a difficult time trying to figure out how to walk like a chameleon and just squinted suspiciously at each other.
September 12: Jen said she was coming in late today because she needed to drop her kids off at the airport. She sent out a group text, saying she was at Boba Guys and asking if anyone wanted anything. Melissa looked up from her desk. “Tell her I want her to come in to work.”
September 13: Christy once took a candle-making class. She was able to choose the scent she wanted to work with. Among the normal choices of scents like lavender and vanilla was ‘freshly washed man’.
September 14: Everyone’s little brothers became very different adults than I expected them to be. Lydia’s brother David now burns holes into people’s chests and apply frog flesh to the holes, which causes them to vomit while he plays the flute. Emily’s brother Jake had a lot of beers and we ended having a conversation about snorting cocaine off a clown’s dick.
September 15: Though Lydia’s wedding day was full of touching moments and tender scenes, the memory that will always stick out in my mind was her excited naked dance while screaming “I’m getting married”at the top of the stairs before she took her morning shower.
September 16: Lydia’s wedding photographer cancelled on them three hours before the wedding by email. Nick ended taking pictures of everything and took his duty so seriously that everyone thought he was the actual hired photographer and were confused as to why he was helping clean up the venue the next morning.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, September 8, 2018
gallantly broke into our apartment through the bathroom window
September 1: We come across so much poop in the city that Nick claims he can guess which poop is human or dog with a 90% accuracy rate. This drives me crazy because how could he possibly know? It’s not like he’s getting it tested afterwards to see if he was right. He has no scientific data to back his claims.
September 2: She shut her eyes against the bus’ headlights. She could still see the light pierce red through her eyelids as it went past. When she opened her eyes, she could see just one man in a jean jacket was onboard. She wondered where he could be going at this hour. The breaks on the bus were old and squeaked as the bus wheezed to a stop at the intersection.
September 3: With the wonderful combination of the flu, period cramps, George’s diarrhea, and a Hello Fresh delivery at five in the morning, I have not been able to get more than three consecutive hours of sleep.
September 4: Due to illness and the beginning of the soccer season, I had nine kids today. And I was still the last one there because of late pick ups.
September 5: Serenity took a break with us today and complained about the homework load given to second graders. She couldn’t believe that she was supposed to read seven days a week. She shook her head as she tried to fill our new steam essential oil diffuser and watched it overfill and run onto the table. “Reading on Sunday is disrespecting the lord.”
September 6: The front door lock broke. It will turn 90% of the way and maddeningly refuse to continue past that. Ron then gallantly broke into our apartment through the bathroom window by rappelling down from the roof on a rope he tied to a pipe he found up there and let us in.
September 7: My hedgehog squishy lasted two weeks. Today, someone ripped its face off, threw it into my book bin, and then colored in the missing section with a red marker.
September 8: She had an automatic distrust of people who told her how she should see them. Whenever someone told her how funny they were without pairing it with anything actually funny, she visibly recoiled from them like someone behind her suddenly dropped an ice cube down the back of her shirt.
much love,
hedgie
September 2: She shut her eyes against the bus’ headlights. She could still see the light pierce red through her eyelids as it went past. When she opened her eyes, she could see just one man in a jean jacket was onboard. She wondered where he could be going at this hour. The breaks on the bus were old and squeaked as the bus wheezed to a stop at the intersection.
September 3: With the wonderful combination of the flu, period cramps, George’s diarrhea, and a Hello Fresh delivery at five in the morning, I have not been able to get more than three consecutive hours of sleep.
September 4: Due to illness and the beginning of the soccer season, I had nine kids today. And I was still the last one there because of late pick ups.
September 5: Serenity took a break with us today and complained about the homework load given to second graders. She couldn’t believe that she was supposed to read seven days a week. She shook her head as she tried to fill our new steam essential oil diffuser and watched it overfill and run onto the table. “Reading on Sunday is disrespecting the lord.”
September 6: The front door lock broke. It will turn 90% of the way and maddeningly refuse to continue past that. Ron then gallantly broke into our apartment through the bathroom window by rappelling down from the roof on a rope he tied to a pipe he found up there and let us in.
September 7: My hedgehog squishy lasted two weeks. Today, someone ripped its face off, threw it into my book bin, and then colored in the missing section with a red marker.
September 8: She had an automatic distrust of people who told her how she should see them. Whenever someone told her how funny they were without pairing it with anything actually funny, she visibly recoiled from them like someone behind her suddenly dropped an ice cube down the back of her shirt.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, August 31, 2018
random numbers
August 25: People have a lot of advice on how to see someone’s true nature. A lot of people point out how they treat servers or what they act like towards animals. The one she had always wished she learned sooner was how people react when you discover something that they have known for a long time. She remembered once telling someone about hearing Electric Light Orchestra for the first time and really enjoying them. The person scoffed at them and asked how she had never heard of them before. She felt suddenly ashamed over something she had no control over. She wasn’t able to listen to new music for years afterwards without feeling stupid and behind the times.
August 26: At three in the morning, George pooped on me. On me.
August 27: Johana’s method to doing her math homework is to shout random numbers at me and just hope I will stop her when she guesses the correct answer.
“Okay, what is thirteen minutes seven?”
“Ten.”
“No.”
“Nine?”
“You need to try counting.”
“Fourteen.”
August 28: We have a new student who is going to school for the very first time this year. So far this week, he has made four breaks for Precita Park, had kicked his daytime teacher, and bit Ana.
August 29: He immediately runs up to me to tell me that his dad is picking him up today. He was so excited and began listing all the things they were going to do together after school. I smile and nod at him, but I know what is really going to happen. When his grandma came in, all the energy and joy drained out of him. He silently grabbed his backpack and slung it over one shoulder and shuffled to the door, unable to muster enough strength to lift his feet or his head up. He pretends not to hear me when I say goodbye to him and remind him there’s no school on Monday. The students who do get picked up regularly by both parents take it for granted. When they see their mom, the first thing they do is request money for the ice cream guy who stands just outside the gate with his cart after day school lets out. Miss Ana always chides them for it. “What? No ‘Hi, mom’? No, ‘how was your day’? No, ‘I love you’?”
August 30: Rah decided that he can read palms. He went around the bungalow and told all the teachers their fortunes while we waited for his dad to pick him up. Maria is getting married in three weeks and will meet her husband next week. Miss Connie is going to win the lottery. Miss Vivi is going to star in a new Freaky Friday movie with Amy Poehler.
August 31: I taught my class “I’m Going Camping” today. Three of them cried.
much love,
hedgie
August 26: At three in the morning, George pooped on me. On me.
August 27: Johana’s method to doing her math homework is to shout random numbers at me and just hope I will stop her when she guesses the correct answer.
“Okay, what is thirteen minutes seven?”
“Ten.”
“No.”
“Nine?”
“You need to try counting.”
“Fourteen.”
August 28: We have a new student who is going to school for the very first time this year. So far this week, he has made four breaks for Precita Park, had kicked his daytime teacher, and bit Ana.
August 29: He immediately runs up to me to tell me that his dad is picking him up today. He was so excited and began listing all the things they were going to do together after school. I smile and nod at him, but I know what is really going to happen. When his grandma came in, all the energy and joy drained out of him. He silently grabbed his backpack and slung it over one shoulder and shuffled to the door, unable to muster enough strength to lift his feet or his head up. He pretends not to hear me when I say goodbye to him and remind him there’s no school on Monday. The students who do get picked up regularly by both parents take it for granted. When they see their mom, the first thing they do is request money for the ice cream guy who stands just outside the gate with his cart after day school lets out. Miss Ana always chides them for it. “What? No ‘Hi, mom’? No, ‘how was your day’? No, ‘I love you’?”
August 30: Rah decided that he can read palms. He went around the bungalow and told all the teachers their fortunes while we waited for his dad to pick him up. Maria is getting married in three weeks and will meet her husband next week. Miss Connie is going to win the lottery. Miss Vivi is going to star in a new Freaky Friday movie with Amy Poehler.
August 31: I taught my class “I’m Going Camping” today. Three of them cried.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, August 24, 2018
trying to stirrup trouble
August 17: Dylan got us trapped in a half hour of non-stop horse puns.
“She was coughing a lot, but don’t worry. She’s just a little hoarse.”
“I hope her condition is now stable.”
“You’re just trying to stirrup trouble.”
This was followed by a long silence.
“How the hell am I supposed to work ‘Andalusian’ into this?”
August 18: The Punch Brothers gathered close together around one microphone as if they had forgotten how large the stage actually was. Chris Thile danced hunched over his mandolin and with his knees pinched together, which he swung from side to side in the manner of a child who really needed to pee.
August 19: The curse of Jeff almost won tubing day again. Waunt couldn’t find her car keys even after an hour of searching the entire house. By the time Ryan, Robin, and Jeff showed up, Nick had grabbed a coat hanger so we could break into the car through the slightly rolled down window. I managed to unlock and open the door. When the alarm went off, Jeff taught me how to pop the hood and disconnect the battery to make it stop. So all in all, it was a productive day.
August 20: For the first time since I have known them, my class got through a whole day without a single person crying. When I asked them what had happened to them over the summer, they looked at me seriously and said, “We are in fourth grade now. It’s time to mature.”
August 21: The kinder class was having yard time for the last ten minutes through school. There was a little boy on the teeter totter. Through the walls of our bungalow, I could hear his shrill, little voice declare rhythmically every three seconds, “Ow, my nuts!”
August 22: Fernando’s class played would you rather. When he let the students choose the questions, they got dark fast. They asked if you would rather die from jumping off a building or drowning. They asked if they would would save themselves or their mothers. Celeste did not take long to make her decision. She stood to one said and told the class that her mom would have wanted her to save herself.
August 23: I have 22 fourth graders stuffed into a room that is set up for 15 second graders. They can’t all sit in their chairs without moving the table farther away from each other and they can’t all fit on the rainbow rug at the same time because the cabinets are positioned right at the edges and there is no space for overflow.
August 24: The woman in the trench coat directed us to go around the corner, walk 60 paces, and walk past the black iron gate to enter the San Francisco Speakeasy. A man stood guard there and pointed to a nondescript door in the back of the building. The door lead to a series of concrete steps that got darker as we went down.
“This was all really just an elaborate ploy to murder you both,” I told Greg and Elaine.
“With this level of work and detail, you deserve it,” Greg said.
much love,
hedgie
“She was coughing a lot, but don’t worry. She’s just a little hoarse.”
“I hope her condition is now stable.”
“You’re just trying to stirrup trouble.”
This was followed by a long silence.
“How the hell am I supposed to work ‘Andalusian’ into this?”
August 18: The Punch Brothers gathered close together around one microphone as if they had forgotten how large the stage actually was. Chris Thile danced hunched over his mandolin and with his knees pinched together, which he swung from side to side in the manner of a child who really needed to pee.
August 19: The curse of Jeff almost won tubing day again. Waunt couldn’t find her car keys even after an hour of searching the entire house. By the time Ryan, Robin, and Jeff showed up, Nick had grabbed a coat hanger so we could break into the car through the slightly rolled down window. I managed to unlock and open the door. When the alarm went off, Jeff taught me how to pop the hood and disconnect the battery to make it stop. So all in all, it was a productive day.
August 20: For the first time since I have known them, my class got through a whole day without a single person crying. When I asked them what had happened to them over the summer, they looked at me seriously and said, “We are in fourth grade now. It’s time to mature.”
August 21: The kinder class was having yard time for the last ten minutes through school. There was a little boy on the teeter totter. Through the walls of our bungalow, I could hear his shrill, little voice declare rhythmically every three seconds, “Ow, my nuts!”
August 22: Fernando’s class played would you rather. When he let the students choose the questions, they got dark fast. They asked if you would rather die from jumping off a building or drowning. They asked if they would would save themselves or their mothers. Celeste did not take long to make her decision. She stood to one said and told the class that her mom would have wanted her to save herself.
August 23: I have 22 fourth graders stuffed into a room that is set up for 15 second graders. They can’t all sit in their chairs without moving the table farther away from each other and they can’t all fit on the rainbow rug at the same time because the cabinets are positioned right at the edges and there is no space for overflow.
August 24: The woman in the trench coat directed us to go around the corner, walk 60 paces, and walk past the black iron gate to enter the San Francisco Speakeasy. A man stood guard there and pointed to a nondescript door in the back of the building. The door lead to a series of concrete steps that got darker as we went down.
“This was all really just an elaborate ploy to murder you both,” I told Greg and Elaine.
“With this level of work and detail, you deserve it,” Greg said.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, August 16, 2018
the peewee herman defense
August 9: Sarah is apparently ranked very high in her piano playing abilities, though she rarely plays for friends. “She’s in the higher levels. She’s like a black belt in piano.”
August 10: The colors of the Grand Prismatic Spring started as a burnt orange that faded to yellow before submerging into aquas and blues as the water levels deepened. The water was the same crisp and inviting shade of chlorinated pools. Emily wondered what it must have been like to see these springs for the first time without any warning. “The ground is boiling. That’s fucked up.”
August 11: Even at the Yellowstone’s National Park’s approved swimming area, taking a dip in the Boiling River is not a quiet experience. The Gardner River water is freezing and is supposed to be balanced out by the hot springs that pour into it. Instead, you experience streaks of cold and sudden scorching streams with the slightest change in location or current.
August 12: We were going to spend the majority of the night lying in a dark, open field in the middle of Idaho for the meteor shower. The threat of bears coming across us were pretty high. Brandon warned us to not act threatening to bears because that would provoke them to fight. Instead, we should aim to be just annoying that they would rather leave us alone than deal with us. He called in The Peewee Herman Defense.
August 13: The plaque at Jenny Lake went over the history of the woman who the body of water was named after. Jenny was a Shoshone Indian who helped with the Hayden Expedition in 1872. It had a humor note as it referred to her husband only as “Beaver Dick” despite his given name of Richard Leigh. Then it suddenly got dark as at the bottom corner, it described how Jenny and her six children died of smallpox only a few years later.
August 14: The freeway was edged in by sandy white hills on both sides. The hills were covered in black stones that people carefully arranged to write out messages to anyone driving by. Initials loving other initials, fuck cancer, and family names with the year they visited tagged just below.
August 15: After missing four days of training, I asked Maria what I missed while I was gone. She immediately listed all the things that they had for lunch. I missed burrito day.
August 16: At the construction site, the parking spot are taken over by piles of long metal poles that make thick, wobbling sounds when they clang against each other, like a ray gun in a science fiction movie.
much love,
hedgie
August 10: The colors of the Grand Prismatic Spring started as a burnt orange that faded to yellow before submerging into aquas and blues as the water levels deepened. The water was the same crisp and inviting shade of chlorinated pools. Emily wondered what it must have been like to see these springs for the first time without any warning. “The ground is boiling. That’s fucked up.”
August 11: Even at the Yellowstone’s National Park’s approved swimming area, taking a dip in the Boiling River is not a quiet experience. The Gardner River water is freezing and is supposed to be balanced out by the hot springs that pour into it. Instead, you experience streaks of cold and sudden scorching streams with the slightest change in location or current.
August 12: We were going to spend the majority of the night lying in a dark, open field in the middle of Idaho for the meteor shower. The threat of bears coming across us were pretty high. Brandon warned us to not act threatening to bears because that would provoke them to fight. Instead, we should aim to be just annoying that they would rather leave us alone than deal with us. He called in The Peewee Herman Defense.
August 13: The plaque at Jenny Lake went over the history of the woman who the body of water was named after. Jenny was a Shoshone Indian who helped with the Hayden Expedition in 1872. It had a humor note as it referred to her husband only as “Beaver Dick” despite his given name of Richard Leigh. Then it suddenly got dark as at the bottom corner, it described how Jenny and her six children died of smallpox only a few years later.
August 14: The freeway was edged in by sandy white hills on both sides. The hills were covered in black stones that people carefully arranged to write out messages to anyone driving by. Initials loving other initials, fuck cancer, and family names with the year they visited tagged just below.
August 15: After missing four days of training, I asked Maria what I missed while I was gone. She immediately listed all the things that they had for lunch. I missed burrito day.
August 16: At the construction site, the parking spot are taken over by piles of long metal poles that make thick, wobbling sounds when they clang against each other, like a ray gun in a science fiction movie.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, August 8, 2018
half-asleep
August 1: It’s strange to watch Friends as an adult now. They all do so many awful things that it makes me wonder what I ever liked about it when I was in high school. I guess it was just what me and my high school friends would have been like if we had apartments and jobs instead of living at home and going to school. They act like they are still at that age level.
August 2: When Nick jogs back home, he sweats so much that when it dries, he is encrusted in a thin layer of salt. It clusters in white clumps on his around his jaw, on his nose, and the back of his knees. He rests by sitting in our Ikea fold out chair and chugs water while Addie licks clean every inch of his legs.
August 3: Nick wakes me up to say goodbye before he leaves for work. I’m still half-asleep and usually keep my eyes closed during the entire things. This morning, I pursed my lips to kiss him goodbye when Addie shoved him aside and licked my lips before he could get to me.
August 4: On Monday, I have to wake up early for the first time in months. I probably should have prepared for this better.
August 5: Addie was lying in the dog bed. Nick thought she looked sad without a pillow, so he pulled on off the couch and held it in front of her face. She automatically lifted her head and waited for him to place the pillow under her chin.
August 6: We were given a poster with the silhouette of a person on it and instructed to give the figure all the qualities we think go into being a great teacher. Maria added a heart to represent love and compassion. Fernando made a speech bubble that said ‘hello’ in a few languages to show how most of us were bilingual. Jen spent her time heckling whatever I was making.
“What are you making?”
“Eyes for the figure.”
“Why are they so big?”
“Because we are observant.”
“It looks like he just drank three Rockstars.”
“These are the eyes. Just drop it, okay?”
“I wish I could drop those eyes.”
August 7: Diana pretended to be a fourth grader for a de-escalation exercise. Blanca had to calm her down after she learned there were no more hot dogs at snack. Diana screamed and then flopped onto a table, knocking everything off of it and then banging her water bottle on it repeatedly.
Ana sighed. “This is real life, people.”
August 8: The stop signs just off the freeway were studded with hot pink lights that flashed every few seconds. We stopped at a McDonald’s /casino/Love’s gas station to fill up the car and take a break to stretch our legs after eight hours in the car. The gas station sold stun guns and multipurpose wood that left us debating what other possible purposes the wood could have.
much love,
hedgie
August 2: When Nick jogs back home, he sweats so much that when it dries, he is encrusted in a thin layer of salt. It clusters in white clumps on his around his jaw, on his nose, and the back of his knees. He rests by sitting in our Ikea fold out chair and chugs water while Addie licks clean every inch of his legs.
August 3: Nick wakes me up to say goodbye before he leaves for work. I’m still half-asleep and usually keep my eyes closed during the entire things. This morning, I pursed my lips to kiss him goodbye when Addie shoved him aside and licked my lips before he could get to me.
August 4: On Monday, I have to wake up early for the first time in months. I probably should have prepared for this better.
August 5: Addie was lying in the dog bed. Nick thought she looked sad without a pillow, so he pulled on off the couch and held it in front of her face. She automatically lifted her head and waited for him to place the pillow under her chin.
August 6: We were given a poster with the silhouette of a person on it and instructed to give the figure all the qualities we think go into being a great teacher. Maria added a heart to represent love and compassion. Fernando made a speech bubble that said ‘hello’ in a few languages to show how most of us were bilingual. Jen spent her time heckling whatever I was making.
“What are you making?”
“Eyes for the figure.”
“Why are they so big?”
“Because we are observant.”
“It looks like he just drank three Rockstars.”
“These are the eyes. Just drop it, okay?”
“I wish I could drop those eyes.”
August 7: Diana pretended to be a fourth grader for a de-escalation exercise. Blanca had to calm her down after she learned there were no more hot dogs at snack. Diana screamed and then flopped onto a table, knocking everything off of it and then banging her water bottle on it repeatedly.
Ana sighed. “This is real life, people.”
August 8: The stop signs just off the freeway were studded with hot pink lights that flashed every few seconds. We stopped at a McDonald’s /casino/Love’s gas station to fill up the car and take a break to stretch our legs after eight hours in the car. The gas station sold stun guns and multipurpose wood that left us debating what other possible purposes the wood could have.
much love,
hedgie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)