March 20: I went to grab the ice packs for my morning recess shift, but there wasn’t a single ice pack left. The principal had emptied the mini-fridge out and had refilled it with dozens of Otter Pops instead.
March 21: When I asked Abel if he had been learning any cool moves in his karate class, he got excited to show off his favorite to me and Miss Ana. He lay down on the blacktop and instructed one of us to get on top of him. When we both just told him to show us the move, he smiled widely and shifted his shoulders, smearing his neon green sweater with streaks of black. “This is it!” he yelled.
March 22: I tried to do the Dancing Raisins experiment with my STEM class so we could talk about air pockets and how air flow affects anything that flies. But I lost them all almost immediately when one of the third grade boys noticed I had a liter of diet soda in my bag. At the end of the test, they all gulped it down with the raisins, almonds, and M&Ms still floating in it.
March 23: The Friday before Spring Break, we are going to be down three teachers. Miss Connie has to go work at Hart Elementary, Miss Jen is taking off early to travel, and Mr. Fernando needs to practice for a play he is in. Mr. Fernando tried to comfort me about the situation, saying it wouldn’t be too bad because a lot of student probably wouldn’t show up. I pointed out that it was supposed to rain all day, which meant no outdoor recess at all. He sucked in his breath. “Yeah, you’re fucked.”
March 24: Robert didn’t want his Branch troll doll to get wet, so he put it on top of my clipboard during recess. It ended up falling into a puddle anyway, slightly dampening the spastic blue hair at the tips. Robert began crying hysterically. He rubbed his left fist against his sodden eyes and shook his right fist out towards the playground. “The wind will pay for this!” he furiously screamed without any hint of self-awareness.
March 25: The champagne we guzzled in the parking lot next to the graffitied port-o-potties was finally starting to get to me. All the wedding dresses I had tried on that day were blurring together and it was difficult to make a decision. My consultant only added to the confusion when she said I was having a ‘bridal moment’ and Heidi and I exchanged confused glances.
March 26: Katie was very upset that we only had powdered creamer in the house. She couldn’t understand how we expected her to be able to drink her coffee. Dad got up from the couch to get a pencil so he could work on the newspaper crossword puzzle. Katie straightened up from her spot on the floor. “While you’re up, can you get me some Half and Half?”
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Sunday, March 19, 2017
the properties of light
March 13: Robert’s aunt is now contributing to the mass of angry emails. The new list of demands include that no parent volunteer is allowed to talk to Robert, the principal is not allowed to talk to Robert, and no member of the staff who does not have IEP training is allowed to talk to Robert. But she also requested a staff member whose sole job is to socialize him while no one at the school is allowed to approach him.
March 14: I’m not positive the new art teacher at the school has ever met children before. He emailed Melissa a worksheet that he wanted her to print out for each student in the class. It went over the properties of light for a class that Miss Jen has spent the last week teaching how to brush their teeth properly.
March 15: Today, Robert cried so hard when recess ended that he made himself throw up.
March 16: Nick taught me the word “boondoggle”, which is a word that is akin to the idiom “wild goose chase”. But to me, it sounds more like a euphemism for a buffalo’s penis.
March 17: Dora managed to slit the banana peel open with a thumbtack and pull out the banana without splaying out the skin. When the empty banana was held with the cut facing away, it was impossible to tell that there was anything wrong with it. She offered it to me and bashfully hid her face when the look of realization spread across my face. She was too shy to play the prank on other leaders, so she asked me to offer it to them while she crept silently in my wake.
March 18: We watched The Hateful Eight last night. The only thought that gave me comfort through the viewing was the knowledge that if I had been there, my death would most likely have been a quick one by bullet, as I am a tea drinker and would have avoided the suddenly-vomiting-blood poisoned coffee.
March 19: Urban Outfitters was stocked with overalls, neon colors, and jelly sandals. Apparently, the 90’s are coming back.
much love,
hedgie
March 14: I’m not positive the new art teacher at the school has ever met children before. He emailed Melissa a worksheet that he wanted her to print out for each student in the class. It went over the properties of light for a class that Miss Jen has spent the last week teaching how to brush their teeth properly.
March 15: Today, Robert cried so hard when recess ended that he made himself throw up.
March 16: Nick taught me the word “boondoggle”, which is a word that is akin to the idiom “wild goose chase”. But to me, it sounds more like a euphemism for a buffalo’s penis.
March 17: Dora managed to slit the banana peel open with a thumbtack and pull out the banana without splaying out the skin. When the empty banana was held with the cut facing away, it was impossible to tell that there was anything wrong with it. She offered it to me and bashfully hid her face when the look of realization spread across my face. She was too shy to play the prank on other leaders, so she asked me to offer it to them while she crept silently in my wake.
March 18: We watched The Hateful Eight last night. The only thought that gave me comfort through the viewing was the knowledge that if I had been there, my death would most likely have been a quick one by bullet, as I am a tea drinker and would have avoided the suddenly-vomiting-blood poisoned coffee.
March 19: Urban Outfitters was stocked with overalls, neon colors, and jelly sandals. Apparently, the 90’s are coming back.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, March 12, 2017
president george
March 6: Dora and Marvin set George on the day teacher’s swivel chair behind the U-shaped table. They set treats on the table in front of him and called him President George. Later, they wheeled him around the classroom to all of his very important meetings.
March 7: I taught my kids lie detection today and then we played 2 truths and 1 lie. Almost all of them choose one of their sentences to be that they loved me. Almost all of them cited it as one of their truths.
March 8: A third grader tattled on me to the principal. He actually went into the front office to complain about the ban on dodge ball. Now they know that Mr. Mendoza didn’t actually impose an embargo on the game. God help us all.
March 9: Gwendolyn declared today the day of poop. We couldn’t get away from it. Every guess in the whisper challenge was about poop. The chapter we read today was titled Mr. Poop. At 5:30 exactly, the girls still there demanded my laptop so that they could watch the “Poop in the Pool” Kid Snippets video.
March 10: Robert’s family is desperate to find a new scapegoat now that JP has moved. They have set their sights on David, the sweetest kid in the entire grade. The mother even blames the school for her being let go from her job a few months back.
March 11: I FaceTimed my family because it is Grannie’s 82nd birthday today and they all took her to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. Waunt claimed that the last time I FaceTimed them, it effected Goupie in a way that made her mysteriously limp for hours after seeing me.
March 12: Addie found a crab on the beach. She jabbed at it with her paws and when she was satisfied that it was really, truly dead, she peed on it. George was much more interested in the piles of horse poop from the Mar Vista Stable rides.
much love,
hedgie
March 7: I taught my kids lie detection today and then we played 2 truths and 1 lie. Almost all of them choose one of their sentences to be that they loved me. Almost all of them cited it as one of their truths.
March 8: A third grader tattled on me to the principal. He actually went into the front office to complain about the ban on dodge ball. Now they know that Mr. Mendoza didn’t actually impose an embargo on the game. God help us all.
March 9: Gwendolyn declared today the day of poop. We couldn’t get away from it. Every guess in the whisper challenge was about poop. The chapter we read today was titled Mr. Poop. At 5:30 exactly, the girls still there demanded my laptop so that they could watch the “Poop in the Pool” Kid Snippets video.
March 10: Robert’s family is desperate to find a new scapegoat now that JP has moved. They have set their sights on David, the sweetest kid in the entire grade. The mother even blames the school for her being let go from her job a few months back.
March 11: I FaceTimed my family because it is Grannie’s 82nd birthday today and they all took her to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. Waunt claimed that the last time I FaceTimed them, it effected Goupie in a way that made her mysteriously limp for hours after seeing me.
March 12: Addie found a crab on the beach. She jabbed at it with her paws and when she was satisfied that it was really, truly dead, she peed on it. George was much more interested in the piles of horse poop from the Mar Vista Stable rides.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, March 5, 2017
we do not have witnesses
February 27: The second grade girls opened up a tattoo parlor with Shanah’s set of gel pens. Gwendolyn decided to tattoo a dancing banana in a dress on my right hand. She ended up drawing a long, yellow banana with huge, blue circles for shoes. Skye snapchatted it.
February 28: Abel threw up before program started. As soon as he found out we were going to Garfield Park, he insisted on joining us and bringing a bucket with him in case he needed to vomit again.
March 1: There’s been an outbreak of lice at school. Miss Jen and Miss Melissa spend most mornings braiding each others' hair and parents keep asking me why I am always wearing my beanie inside.
March 2: Duolingo taught me “Además, no tenemos testigos” (Besides, we do not have witnesses) and “¿Tienes enemigos? (Do you have enemies). Finally, some useful phrases.
March 3: The Lorax table wasn’t very popular on Dr. Seuss Day. It was full of papers to write a few sentences and draw a picture of what we would do to help the earth if we were the Lorax. I tried to fill out a few to get some kids interested. I wrote I would adopt more dogs and asked Angel what color I should make my dogs. He insisted on green, that way it would be a poisonous puppy.
March 4: The rain today was sudden and heavy, resulting in shrill yelps from everyone caught outside. I sat by the window for 15 minutes and watched families run screaming in every direction as they searched for shelter.
March 5: I got a tune stuck in my head. When Nick looked it up, he found out it was “The Farmer in the Dell”. Lyrics include: The farmer takes a wife, the wife takes a child, and the cat takes the mouse. All the “takes” confuse me. Did the wife steal or eat that baby?
much love,
hedgie
February 28: Abel threw up before program started. As soon as he found out we were going to Garfield Park, he insisted on joining us and bringing a bucket with him in case he needed to vomit again.
March 1: There’s been an outbreak of lice at school. Miss Jen and Miss Melissa spend most mornings braiding each others' hair and parents keep asking me why I am always wearing my beanie inside.
March 2: Duolingo taught me “Además, no tenemos testigos” (Besides, we do not have witnesses) and “¿Tienes enemigos? (Do you have enemies). Finally, some useful phrases.
March 3: The Lorax table wasn’t very popular on Dr. Seuss Day. It was full of papers to write a few sentences and draw a picture of what we would do to help the earth if we were the Lorax. I tried to fill out a few to get some kids interested. I wrote I would adopt more dogs and asked Angel what color I should make my dogs. He insisted on green, that way it would be a poisonous puppy.
March 4: The rain today was sudden and heavy, resulting in shrill yelps from everyone caught outside. I sat by the window for 15 minutes and watched families run screaming in every direction as they searched for shelter.
March 5: I got a tune stuck in my head. When Nick looked it up, he found out it was “The Farmer in the Dell”. Lyrics include: The farmer takes a wife, the wife takes a child, and the cat takes the mouse. All the “takes” confuse me. Did the wife steal or eat that baby?
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, February 26, 2017
walk on the wild side
February 20: The mall in Japantown had a store that featured a complete makeup set designed to look like cows. The little tubs of lotions balanced on four legs, only letting you reach the ointment after you twisted off the beast’s head and torso. The white contouring sticks were splattered with a black puddle pattern.
February 21: There was a strip of black duct tape was plastered across the pull handle of the fire alarm, but it still wasn’t enough to prevent it from getting pulled again this week. I think that’s the 5th false alarm since I started working here.
February 22: The lights went out in the cafeteria while Mr. Carlson’s class was still winding their way through the audience to get to the stage for their performance. They all stepped dead in their tracks until a few parents and I turned on the flashlights on our phones and shined them at the ground, creating a little stepping stone path of lights.
February 23: There is a health safety sign in the College Connect office that pictures a man doing the dab and text underneath reminding us that this position is the Defense Against Bacteria.
February 24: We had a program-wide kickball game for Manny's last day. His girls kept running from team to team, trying to convince everyone that they had caught him crying.
February 25: It took some effort to convince Nick not to set an alarm when we took a nap. You have to walk on the wild side sometimes.
February 26: Nick’s parents asked us to reschedule our wedding because they were planning a month-long trip to Thailand around that time. They haven’t bought tickets yet or even planned out where they are going, but they wanted us to switch weekends because it was more convenient for them.
much love,
hedgie
February 21: There was a strip of black duct tape was plastered across the pull handle of the fire alarm, but it still wasn’t enough to prevent it from getting pulled again this week. I think that’s the 5th false alarm since I started working here.
February 22: The lights went out in the cafeteria while Mr. Carlson’s class was still winding their way through the audience to get to the stage for their performance. They all stepped dead in their tracks until a few parents and I turned on the flashlights on our phones and shined them at the ground, creating a little stepping stone path of lights.
February 23: There is a health safety sign in the College Connect office that pictures a man doing the dab and text underneath reminding us that this position is the Defense Against Bacteria.
February 24: We had a program-wide kickball game for Manny's last day. His girls kept running from team to team, trying to convince everyone that they had caught him crying.
February 25: It took some effort to convince Nick not to set an alarm when we took a nap. You have to walk on the wild side sometimes.
February 26: Nick’s parents asked us to reschedule our wedding because they were planning a month-long trip to Thailand around that time. They haven’t bought tickets yet or even planned out where they are going, but they wanted us to switch weekends because it was more convenient for them.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, February 19, 2017
run with the bulls
February 13: I want to punch whoever taught the students how to play dodgeball. Over the last few weeks, I haven’t been able to get through a whole morning recess shift without someone bleeding or having to break up a fist fight.
February 14: Nick got a stomach bug halfway through Valentine’s Day. On one hand, I felt bad that he clearly wasn’t feeling well. But on the other hand, I got to eat our chocolate soufflé by myself.
February 15: The plague is upon us again. Melissa and Manny called in sick today and both Fernando and Isabel are on the verge of following suit.
February 16: The first graders were released from the bus on their return from their field trip where they watched Aladdin preformed entirely by a cast of elderly white women. A wild stream of them ran screaming by as I stepped out of the bungalow to get a drink of water. I now have a vague idea of how the people who run with the bulls feel.
February 17: Luis warned us over the foil-wrapped and on fire sushi roll that if we ever made it out to Thailand that we should never touch a child on the head. We are all still trying to figure out why he felt we needed to be taught to not touch children we don’t know.
February 18: I started playing Words With Friends again. Elaine just played the word “dildo” against me for 20 points.
February 19: A secret I had mailed to PostSecret almost a decade ago showed up on the website again. I can still remember making it at the desk of my dorm room in North Morlan, but I don’t feel connected to it, like I had watched it happen on a movie screen instead of been a part of it.
much love,
hedgie
February 14: Nick got a stomach bug halfway through Valentine’s Day. On one hand, I felt bad that he clearly wasn’t feeling well. But on the other hand, I got to eat our chocolate soufflé by myself.
February 15: The plague is upon us again. Melissa and Manny called in sick today and both Fernando and Isabel are on the verge of following suit.
February 16: The first graders were released from the bus on their return from their field trip where they watched Aladdin preformed entirely by a cast of elderly white women. A wild stream of them ran screaming by as I stepped out of the bungalow to get a drink of water. I now have a vague idea of how the people who run with the bulls feel.
February 17: Luis warned us over the foil-wrapped and on fire sushi roll that if we ever made it out to Thailand that we should never touch a child on the head. We are all still trying to figure out why he felt we needed to be taught to not touch children we don’t know.
February 18: I started playing Words With Friends again. Elaine just played the word “dildo” against me for 20 points.
February 19: A secret I had mailed to PostSecret almost a decade ago showed up on the website again. I can still remember making it at the desk of my dorm room in North Morlan, but I don’t feel connected to it, like I had watched it happen on a movie screen instead of been a part of it.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, February 12, 2017
buses only
February 6: Abel only brings his backpack to school around once every two weeks, and on those days, he usually leaves it in the classroom and only remembers it after the school has already been locked up. Today was the only day for the last three weeks that he brought his backpack. It smelled so rank that I had to push it out in the hallway to stop the rest of my students from gagging.
February 7: We FaceTimed Uncle Steve so that my detective class could have the chance to talk to a real detective and hear what a day in the life of one was like.
Celeste was the first to raise her hand. “Are you old?”
February 8: Shanah had me wait outside of the bungalow so that I could walk with her and her family. “Miss Skye said she would get me a chocker necklace for Valentine’s Day,” she said as we waited for the light on the street corner we separated at. “I hope she does so that I can be more like her.” She gave me a side glance before heading towards home. “No offense, Miss Heather.”
February 9: I found a “No Parking, Buses Only” sign jammed into the plastic cover of the fluorescent ceiling light that was at least 10 feet above my head. I made all of my students pinkie promise that they would not park a car upside-down on the ceiling. Three of them refused to make such a promise.
February 10: Nancy keeps calling me aside to make guesses as to what George is up to right now. They usually involve him jumping up and down on the bed or breaking into the fridge to eat all of the carrots. Today, she suggested that Addie and George were having a food fight by way of magic.
February 11: A woman pushed her toddler in a stroller past us and there was a bottle of champagne and a plastic jug of orange juice stashed in the under storage compartment. I aspire to be that kind of mother some day.
February 12: Luli and I kept getting distracted during our talk about how our wedding planning journeys were going because a man decided to show his children how a push mower worked without teaching them to not stick their tiny arms through the twisted blades to pick up pieces of shorn grass.
much love,
hedgie
February 7: We FaceTimed Uncle Steve so that my detective class could have the chance to talk to a real detective and hear what a day in the life of one was like.
Celeste was the first to raise her hand. “Are you old?”
February 8: Shanah had me wait outside of the bungalow so that I could walk with her and her family. “Miss Skye said she would get me a chocker necklace for Valentine’s Day,” she said as we waited for the light on the street corner we separated at. “I hope she does so that I can be more like her.” She gave me a side glance before heading towards home. “No offense, Miss Heather.”
February 9: I found a “No Parking, Buses Only” sign jammed into the plastic cover of the fluorescent ceiling light that was at least 10 feet above my head. I made all of my students pinkie promise that they would not park a car upside-down on the ceiling. Three of them refused to make such a promise.
February 10: Nancy keeps calling me aside to make guesses as to what George is up to right now. They usually involve him jumping up and down on the bed or breaking into the fridge to eat all of the carrots. Today, she suggested that Addie and George were having a food fight by way of magic.
February 11: A woman pushed her toddler in a stroller past us and there was a bottle of champagne and a plastic jug of orange juice stashed in the under storage compartment. I aspire to be that kind of mother some day.
February 12: Luli and I kept getting distracted during our talk about how our wedding planning journeys were going because a man decided to show his children how a push mower worked without teaching them to not stick their tiny arms through the twisted blades to pick up pieces of shorn grass.
much love,
hedgie
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