August 24: Maybel’s heart beat slowly in her still, numb body like an escape artist patiently waiting for the right timing to release the locks and emerge from a water tank.
August 25: With Arianna transferred to a new school and Robert continually going home before day school ends, my class has been suspiciously quiet. They have been so unnaturally chill this week that when Melissa poked her head into my class during meditation, her initial thought was that everyone was dead.
August 26: Heidi has been planning yet another party that I am sure will overshadow the actual wedding. For my bachelorette party, we have decided to go to Hamburger Mary’s and then spend the night on The Queen Mary. The theme is: Peens and Queens.
August 27: People keep texting me to let me know they received their wedding invitation. THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF MAKING REAL INVITATIONS IF THEY WERE JUST GOING TO TEXT A REPLY?
August 28: A fourth grade boy opened our bungalow door just long enough to yell “Fuck you, bitch!”. Well, happy Monday to you too, kid.
August 29: Nick wanted me to write a few sentences in a birthday card to his dad. Why are there no tips on how to write a vague message to someone you don’t actually like?
August 30: My journal today was for my kids to write who they are thankful. Quite a few of them wrote they were thankful for me, which would have been sweet if they weren’t yelling that they hated me ten minutes later because I made meditation part of our daily schedule.
August 31: I've been waking up with a sore throat everyday for the past week. I can't tell if I'm getting sick or if my theist is out of practice in yelling.
[Update: I was sick.]
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
dumpster diving
August 17: Jen returned from her lunch break dragging the art drying rack she pointed out yesterday that was in a pile of garbage the school was throwing out.
“You stole that?” I asked.
“I didn’t steal it,” she said, mock angrily. “I dumpster dove for it.”
August 18: After a year, I have completely filled my childcare notebook. I went into a bookstore to buy a new Moleskine and came out with one and three more books. I think I need help.
August 19: One of the items for the Duolingo Spanish scavenger hunt was to take a selfie with a wig. My team ended up awkwardly taking a picture with a luchador mask that had a few strings of yellow yarn pouring from the scalp.
August 20: Lisa walked us through three storage units so we could take notes on any of the decor we would want to borrow for our wedding. We were interrupted halfway through when Ty asked Nick to move his car because it was blocking in one of their mustangs and they were trying to was all four of them.
August 21: I was able to watch the partial solar eclipse from my living room couch with the special glasses Nick brought home from Google for me. People in different states were able to have a much more fantastical experience when the moon completely eclipsed the sun. Birds stopped singing and the stars even came out.
August 22: I started a new Spanish show about a boarding school that used to be an orphanage that closed down when five children went missing. There is a woman who escaped a mental asylum and was framed for attempted murder. There is a little girl who lost both her parents and is convinced that the surrounding forest is full of gnomes and fairies. Probably the most outlandish thing is that the people in the show have hotmail email addresses.
August 23: For community time, I lead a game of human knot. The kids didn’t quite understand how to get started and three or four always ended up not holding two hands or grabbing onto the wrist of someone who was already partnered up. Both times, we ended up with separate groups that branched out in different directions instead of one large circle.
much love,
hedgie
“You stole that?” I asked.
“I didn’t steal it,” she said, mock angrily. “I dumpster dove for it.”
August 18: After a year, I have completely filled my childcare notebook. I went into a bookstore to buy a new Moleskine and came out with one and three more books. I think I need help.
August 19: One of the items for the Duolingo Spanish scavenger hunt was to take a selfie with a wig. My team ended up awkwardly taking a picture with a luchador mask that had a few strings of yellow yarn pouring from the scalp.
August 20: Lisa walked us through three storage units so we could take notes on any of the decor we would want to borrow for our wedding. We were interrupted halfway through when Ty asked Nick to move his car because it was blocking in one of their mustangs and they were trying to was all four of them.
August 21: I was able to watch the partial solar eclipse from my living room couch with the special glasses Nick brought home from Google for me. People in different states were able to have a much more fantastical experience when the moon completely eclipsed the sun. Birds stopped singing and the stars even came out.
August 22: I started a new Spanish show about a boarding school that used to be an orphanage that closed down when five children went missing. There is a woman who escaped a mental asylum and was framed for attempted murder. There is a little girl who lost both her parents and is convinced that the surrounding forest is full of gnomes and fairies. Probably the most outlandish thing is that the people in the show have hotmail email addresses.
August 23: For community time, I lead a game of human knot. The kids didn’t quite understand how to get started and three or four always ended up not holding two hands or grabbing onto the wrist of someone who was already partnered up. Both times, we ended up with separate groups that branched out in different directions instead of one large circle.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
mindful peeing
August 8: Despite the two to-go boxes of coffee, everyone was still sluggish at 10. Natalie stood at the front of the room and looked at us all helplessly. “Guys, c’mon,” she said. “I wore ruffles today for the energy.”
August 9: The game was called crossing the river. Each group of six had to cross the room without any part of their foot touching the floor. We were given three half sheets of paper that were “life rafts” to keep us out of the water that we were not allowed to touch with our hands. We ended up going in pairs, balancing on tip toe and almost tangoing on pieces of purple construction paper.
August 10: BreakoutIQ explained that the team that was the first to solves all the clues, unlock the box and yell Mindy Anna Jone’s motto would win. Charlotte and I debated if our time was better served standing next to the finish table and yell as many common phrases we could think of and hope for the best.
August 11: The instructor handed out raisins so that we could practice mindful eating, chewing meaningfully so that we appreciated the texture and flavor. Jen leaned over to tell me she needed to go to the bathroom to do some slow, mindful peeing.
August 12: People are having a really hard time with the idea of Nick and I not changing our last names to “Lovechanan”, even with the obvious double meaning. Even at the bridal shower, Heidi had spray painted a marshmallow gun gold to create an actual love cannon that shot mini marshmallows at bells dangling in heart-shaped cutouts.
August 13: Maria got second dog. This one is a long-haired chihuahua that she named something that starts with a “C”, but I can’t remember what it is because I have already dubbed the two Donut and Cannoli.
August 14: We spent an hour of our training today learning that healthy foods are better for students than sugary treats. Such groundbreaking discoveries we are making this year.
August 15: I watched the news on Charlottesville for as long as I could stand. Then I put on Friends so that I could spend half an hour pretending I lived in a world where this wasn’t happening.
August 16: The school year has not started, but I am already having bad dreams about my kids. Last night I dreamed that they broke the toilet and they kept flushing it so that it overflowed, which is not out of character for most of them.
much love,
hedgie
August 9: The game was called crossing the river. Each group of six had to cross the room without any part of their foot touching the floor. We were given three half sheets of paper that were “life rafts” to keep us out of the water that we were not allowed to touch with our hands. We ended up going in pairs, balancing on tip toe and almost tangoing on pieces of purple construction paper.
August 10: BreakoutIQ explained that the team that was the first to solves all the clues, unlock the box and yell Mindy Anna Jone’s motto would win. Charlotte and I debated if our time was better served standing next to the finish table and yell as many common phrases we could think of and hope for the best.
August 11: The instructor handed out raisins so that we could practice mindful eating, chewing meaningfully so that we appreciated the texture and flavor. Jen leaned over to tell me she needed to go to the bathroom to do some slow, mindful peeing.
August 12: People are having a really hard time with the idea of Nick and I not changing our last names to “Lovechanan”, even with the obvious double meaning. Even at the bridal shower, Heidi had spray painted a marshmallow gun gold to create an actual love cannon that shot mini marshmallows at bells dangling in heart-shaped cutouts.
August 13: Maria got second dog. This one is a long-haired chihuahua that she named something that starts with a “C”, but I can’t remember what it is because I have already dubbed the two Donut and Cannoli.
August 14: We spent an hour of our training today learning that healthy foods are better for students than sugary treats. Such groundbreaking discoveries we are making this year.
August 15: I watched the news on Charlottesville for as long as I could stand. Then I put on Friends so that I could spend half an hour pretending I lived in a world where this wasn’t happening.
August 16: The school year has not started, but I am already having bad dreams about my kids. Last night I dreamed that they broke the toilet and they kept flushing it so that it overflowed, which is not out of character for most of them.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, August 7, 2017
are your parents at home?
August 1: I went in to Mission Graduate’s main office to fill out new hire paperwork. I’m officially on their staff!
August 2: Dad and Dylan have been helping round out my fake TV show about the Michael Jackson impersonator who solves crimes. So far, we have that he gets pulled into detecting when a tourist goes missing at the pier. He eventually teams up with a caricature artist who will go on to be their sketch artist who always draws suspects with huge eyes and roller skating along the coast.
August 3: I had my live scan appointment today so that Mission Graduates could double check that I am not a murderer. They did not force me to go to Richmond to get it done, which was nice because it took all of six minutes.
August 4: A lot of people complain about having a baby face when they are young. It seems they are only able to appreciate it when they are older and still get carded at bars. But I actually love looking younger than I am now. Every time someone comes to my door to try to sell me something, they are if my parents are home, to which I can honestly answer that they are not and close the door.
August 5: The grocery store always locked up the items that were the most likely to be stolen by homeless people, things like deodorant and liquor. But lately they have really beefed up their security game because now everything in the hygiene aisle, except for pads and tampons, are now behind locked glass.
August 6: Tomorrow, I start training for the new school year and there is going to be a lunar eclipse. Two weeks later, I start working with the kids again and there is going to be a partial solar eclipse. I feel like this year is going to be supernatural.
August 7: Heidi signed up for GISHWHES with the kids she used to babysit. Today, she used old eyeliner to draw a fake mustache on her upper lip and gripped a mini-banana in between her teeth to cross off item “Groucho Marx a piece of fruit”.
much love,
hedgie
August 2: Dad and Dylan have been helping round out my fake TV show about the Michael Jackson impersonator who solves crimes. So far, we have that he gets pulled into detecting when a tourist goes missing at the pier. He eventually teams up with a caricature artist who will go on to be their sketch artist who always draws suspects with huge eyes and roller skating along the coast.
August 3: I had my live scan appointment today so that Mission Graduates could double check that I am not a murderer. They did not force me to go to Richmond to get it done, which was nice because it took all of six minutes.
August 4: A lot of people complain about having a baby face when they are young. It seems they are only able to appreciate it when they are older and still get carded at bars. But I actually love looking younger than I am now. Every time someone comes to my door to try to sell me something, they are if my parents are home, to which I can honestly answer that they are not and close the door.
August 5: The grocery store always locked up the items that were the most likely to be stolen by homeless people, things like deodorant and liquor. But lately they have really beefed up their security game because now everything in the hygiene aisle, except for pads and tampons, are now behind locked glass.
August 6: Tomorrow, I start training for the new school year and there is going to be a lunar eclipse. Two weeks later, I start working with the kids again and there is going to be a partial solar eclipse. I feel like this year is going to be supernatural.
August 7: Heidi signed up for GISHWHES with the kids she used to babysit. Today, she used old eyeliner to draw a fake mustache on her upper lip and gripped a mini-banana in between her teeth to cross off item “Groucho Marx a piece of fruit”.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, July 31, 2017
dad almost drowned, but he saved the beer
July 24: An hour into our 8-hour drive to Portland, mom made us pull over at Sears so that she could buy a dog bed for Nora to use in the car.
July 25: Ryan took a wrong turn and led us in a two-hour long drive that ended with us getting escorted out of the woods by a ranger because we had actually ended up trespassing at a federal water reserve.
July 26: We visited Powell’s today and I now have twice as much luggage to take home as I did on the trip up here. While waiting at the cash register, dad talked about my last essay. His favorite part about my work is how I tell two stories and he doesn’t know how I am going to connect the two, but then I somehow do.
July 27: The concert was too kid-friendly for my family’s liking, so we ended up playing badminton while still sitting on our blankets and holding a beer in one hand.
July 28: We all thought dad was joking when he tipped backwards and fell into the river the once time we hit bumpy water. It turns out that the rocks popped his inner tube. Ryan watched him calmly from his tube as dad resurfaced and walked towards land. “Dad almost drowned,” he yelled to let everyone know he was alright. “But he saved the beer.”
July 29: The woman who led us around the Oregon Vortex warned us to hold onto the handrails when we entered the house. “Earlier, I had a guy who thought he could handle it and then he superman-ed straight out of that window.”
July 30: I took my family to the Ferry Building for lunch and ice cream and somehow managed to come home with three more books. I think I’m up to nine just from this week now.
July 31: I slept in until noon today. My family is exhausting.
much love,
hedgie
July 25: Ryan took a wrong turn and led us in a two-hour long drive that ended with us getting escorted out of the woods by a ranger because we had actually ended up trespassing at a federal water reserve.
July 26: We visited Powell’s today and I now have twice as much luggage to take home as I did on the trip up here. While waiting at the cash register, dad talked about my last essay. His favorite part about my work is how I tell two stories and he doesn’t know how I am going to connect the two, but then I somehow do.
July 27: The concert was too kid-friendly for my family’s liking, so we ended up playing badminton while still sitting on our blankets and holding a beer in one hand.
July 28: We all thought dad was joking when he tipped backwards and fell into the river the once time we hit bumpy water. It turns out that the rocks popped his inner tube. Ryan watched him calmly from his tube as dad resurfaced and walked towards land. “Dad almost drowned,” he yelled to let everyone know he was alright. “But he saved the beer.”
July 29: The woman who led us around the Oregon Vortex warned us to hold onto the handrails when we entered the house. “Earlier, I had a guy who thought he could handle it and then he superman-ed straight out of that window.”
July 30: I took my family to the Ferry Building for lunch and ice cream and somehow managed to come home with three more books. I think I’m up to nine just from this week now.
July 31: I slept in until noon today. My family is exhausting.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, July 23, 2017
yolo and tears
July 15: After the screening to Beauty and the Beast in Union Square, Nick and I met up with Angi, Matt, and Jeremy. We wound up at a 24-hour diner that served mediocre malted shakes and floats. We spent most of that night trying to figure out what exactly malt is.
July 16: I remember the first time I heard my mother cuss. I was sitting on the stairs and she walked through the hallway, carrying two arm’s worth of binders and paperwork. She dropped them and yelled shit as she stared at the mess. Her eyes moved upward, and she saw me sitting nearby.
“Shoot,” she said. “I mean shoot.”
I looked at her for a moment and tried my best to reassure her. “Mom, I’m 23 now. It’s okay.”
July 17: The highlight of my day was when I heard a toddler yell “YOLO!” and then immediately burst into tears.
July 18: Ryan texted me, asking for help to invent names for a fake roller derby team for a short he was working on. Little did he know how prepared I was for this conversation.
1 Charlotte Brawn-te
2 Zelda Fists-gerald
3 Dorothy Puncher
4 Sylvia Wrath
5 Hurting-ya' Woolf
6 J.K. Brawling
7 Pain Austen
8 Ayn Ram
9 Scary Shelly
10 Edith Gore-ton
11 Harriet Bruiser Stowe
12 Toni Where-ya-goin'-son
13 Harmer Lee
14 Louisa May Blood-clot
15 Maya Hit-down-low
16 Malice Walker
17 ZZ Pack-a-punch
18 Em-melee Dickinson
19 Agatha Crush-die
20 Flannery O'Cutter
Team: The Pulverize Prize Winners
July 19: The lawns at Dolores Park are being aerated. Addie spent our entire visit eating clumps of dirt and grass.
July 20: The angry bus drivers were making George nervous with their eternal honking and clattering down the road. He seems convinced that that farther up onto my chest he climbs, the better I can protect him from danger.
July 21: Two cops stood over a guy sitting on the curb with his hands behind his back. To one side of them was a bike locked to a bike rack. A pair of bright blue cable cutters dangled from the bike’s cable. A third cop was taking notes while talking to a Michael Jackson impersonator.
July 22: I am obsessed with other people’s obsessions. I love to see what people do in their spare time, especially when it is unexpected or strangely specific. The more money, time, and effort they put into these hobbies or events, the more I am interested in what draws them to it. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wetsuits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? These questions always make me wonder what I am missing and remind me that there is still magic in the world.
July 23: The tour guide had just finished the demonstration of the machinery that slams shut the heavy jail cell bar doors when the power went out. It was almost exactly nine o’clock, so we thought it was on purpose until a guard glanced around, pulled a flashlight off his belt and muttered, “That’s not supposed to happen.”
much love,
hedgie
July 16: I remember the first time I heard my mother cuss. I was sitting on the stairs and she walked through the hallway, carrying two arm’s worth of binders and paperwork. She dropped them and yelled shit as she stared at the mess. Her eyes moved upward, and she saw me sitting nearby.
“Shoot,” she said. “I mean shoot.”
I looked at her for a moment and tried my best to reassure her. “Mom, I’m 23 now. It’s okay.”
July 17: The highlight of my day was when I heard a toddler yell “YOLO!” and then immediately burst into tears.
July 18: Ryan texted me, asking for help to invent names for a fake roller derby team for a short he was working on. Little did he know how prepared I was for this conversation.
1 Charlotte Brawn-te
2 Zelda Fists-gerald
3 Dorothy Puncher
4 Sylvia Wrath
5 Hurting-ya' Woolf
6 J.K. Brawling
7 Pain Austen
8 Ayn Ram
9 Scary Shelly
10 Edith Gore-ton
11 Harriet Bruiser Stowe
12 Toni Where-ya-goin'-son
13 Harmer Lee
14 Louisa May Blood-clot
15 Maya Hit-down-low
16 Malice Walker
17 ZZ Pack-a-punch
18 Em-melee Dickinson
19 Agatha Crush-die
20 Flannery O'Cutter
Team: The Pulverize Prize Winners
July 19: The lawns at Dolores Park are being aerated. Addie spent our entire visit eating clumps of dirt and grass.
July 20: The angry bus drivers were making George nervous with their eternal honking and clattering down the road. He seems convinced that that farther up onto my chest he climbs, the better I can protect him from danger.
July 21: Two cops stood over a guy sitting on the curb with his hands behind his back. To one side of them was a bike locked to a bike rack. A pair of bright blue cable cutters dangled from the bike’s cable. A third cop was taking notes while talking to a Michael Jackson impersonator.
July 22: I am obsessed with other people’s obsessions. I love to see what people do in their spare time, especially when it is unexpected or strangely specific. The more money, time, and effort they put into these hobbies or events, the more I am interested in what draws them to it. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wetsuits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? These questions always make me wonder what I am missing and remind me that there is still magic in the world.
July 23: The tour guide had just finished the demonstration of the machinery that slams shut the heavy jail cell bar doors when the power went out. It was almost exactly nine o’clock, so we thought it was on purpose until a guard glanced around, pulled a flashlight off his belt and muttered, “That’s not supposed to happen.”
much love,
hedgie
Friday, July 14, 2017
45% alcohol
July 8: At the Cheeseburger Cat Cabaret, there was a robot comedian. He was wheeled onstage and he had an iPad for a face with two tall grey rectangles for eyes and a larger grey rectangle for a mouth that fluctuated in size while he was talking. “How many kidnapped children does it take to screw in a light bulb?” he asked. He had long, wooden fingers that quivered as he moved from side to side. “Apparently more than three because my basement is still dark.
July 9: Two books and three months later, I am finally done with a full rough draft of my essay about the golden fire hydrant ceremony!
July 10: All the students who read every day during the summer program selected which teacher they wanted to throw a pie at in the last week. Sixteen students chose me.
July 11: At The California Academy of Sciences, Joanna and Angie found a machine that would record your voice and play it back to you the way it would sound if we were deep sea diving. It made our voices so shrill that it hurt my ears. We sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks on helium.
July 12: As always, George has become more popular than me. My co-workers say good morning to him before talking to me. Xavier even made a friendship bracelet for George out of orange pipe cleaners and wrapped it gently around his front right paw.
July 13: My day began with a homeless man trying to pee on me as I was walking to work. It ended with all the teachers taking over the two bounce houses after all the students were picked up. I guess it all balances out.
July 14: Nick found a bottle of 8-year old bourbon whiskey called Buck. I sent a picture to Dad, who, amazed by the coincidence, immediately texted back that he also used to BE eight years old. I then pointed out that they were both also 45% alcohol.
much love,
hedgie
July 9: Two books and three months later, I am finally done with a full rough draft of my essay about the golden fire hydrant ceremony!
July 10: All the students who read every day during the summer program selected which teacher they wanted to throw a pie at in the last week. Sixteen students chose me.
July 11: At The California Academy of Sciences, Joanna and Angie found a machine that would record your voice and play it back to you the way it would sound if we were deep sea diving. It made our voices so shrill that it hurt my ears. We sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks on helium.
July 12: As always, George has become more popular than me. My co-workers say good morning to him before talking to me. Xavier even made a friendship bracelet for George out of orange pipe cleaners and wrapped it gently around his front right paw.
July 13: My day began with a homeless man trying to pee on me as I was walking to work. It ended with all the teachers taking over the two bounce houses after all the students were picked up. I guess it all balances out.
July 14: Nick found a bottle of 8-year old bourbon whiskey called Buck. I sent a picture to Dad, who, amazed by the coincidence, immediately texted back that he also used to BE eight years old. I then pointed out that they were both also 45% alcohol.
much love,
hedgie
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