February 23: I remember the exact moment that I realized Nick’s dad was determined to hate me no matter what I did. A few months before my 22nd birthday, I described how I wanted to host a food fight because that was something I heard a lot of my friends say they wanted to do someday. He thought my idea was stupid and wondered why anyone would want to do that. A few weeks after the birthday, we saw him again. He asked what we had been up to recently and Nick described my birthday party, but left out that fact that it was my birthday party. His dad suddenly thought the idea was very creative and sounded like a great time. He was set to dislike anything that had to do with me. It made me think that this is why he hates Addie and likes George. I picked Addie and trained her, whereas George had a full life before us. It makes me wonder what he will be like to the children Nick and I have, knowing that they will be half of me.
February 24: Nick did our taxes today. I don’t understand how I can both qualify for food stamps and not be considered Nick’s dependent. My whole month’s pay wouldn’t cover our rent. How is someone supposed to actually eat and live off this amount?
February 25: I don’t understand why all these outdoor sports programs decided to come to our school during the only time of year we get rain. These programs started three weeks ago and five classes have already been canceled. When they were first visiting campus, they asked Melissa if there was any alternative indoor spaces in case it rained. Melissa almost laughed at them. They would have to go to a private school to find that kind of thing.
February 26: The Momo Challenge popped up today when a day teacher was showing her class a video. Momo is this evil spirit thing that threatens children, telling them to hurt themselves and if they tell their parents about it, she will kill them. It is represented by the image of a woman with long, black hair, bulging eyes, and a joyless grin that stretches literally ear to ear. People on YouTube spread her challenge by making Peppa Pig or Fortnite videos aimed at children and then splicing her in. Ana found a video of one today. It instructed children to find the sharpest item they can drag it from their wrist to their elbow as hard as they can. She says that if they do it right, a lot of red stuff will come out. She told them to look in the garage for their dad’s sharpest tool or go into the kitchen for their mom’s biggest knife. First of all, sexist. Second, the people who make these videos really need a new hobby. Who decides to spend their free time doing this kind of thing?
February 27: Maria’s table at the Health Fair had interesting heart facts that her kids were supposed to recite to anyone who stopped by. Instead, they decided that the phrases were true or false questions and ask me to guess which they were. They told me I was wrong no matter what I answered.
February 28: The school had their Black History Month performance today. I had trouble enjoying it because the dance teachers have very different ideas of what is appropriate for children than what I do. They had fifth graders twerking, two songs that were clearly about sex, and then a number by Chris Brown.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, February 28, 2019
Friday, February 22, 2019
Do you need help with Demon?
February 15: Milo just gave me the most wonderfully horrifying drawing today. It is me walking a hedgehog on a leash, but the hedgehog and I have had a face swap. In bold letters, she has given me the advice to “use my inner hedgehog”.
February 16: This place is fancy. I feel like I am being watched all the time. Not being watched, like the staff suspects I am going to steal somethings, but always looking for opportunities to see if I need something. It’s like going on vacation in a car dealership.
February 17: I’ve been here two days now and the only picture I have taken is of the headboard of the bed because it has reading lamps installed on both sides. It’s pretty amazing.
February 18: I overheard a conversation in the lobby. Two women were comparing cars.
“I know it’s huge, but I just love my Mercedes so much.”
“I used to feel that way, but the Audi just handles so well.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve heard.”
I have never felt so out of place so fast.
February 19: Demoan was having another bad day. He was screaming curse words in the class and stomping his foot on Mrs. Amy’s ankles. Ana texted Fernando, who was on response duty.
“Do you need help with Demon?”
We debated on whether she spelled it wrong on purpose or not.
February 20: Maria’s kids have started splitting up curse words, one saying the first half and another finishing it. Paolo with say “fu” and Anthony will complete it with “ck”. This way, none of them are directly responsible for cussing.
“Whatever you do, don’t shush my class,” Maria warned us. Saying “shhhh” just results in them chorusing “it!”.
February 21: I taught my Eye Caramba class about rods and cones today. We went over how humans have three cones that allow them to see red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. We discussed how dogs only have two cones, which allow them to see yellow and blue. I showed them a color spectrum that shows what a rainbow looks like to us and how it would look to dogs. Then I told them about how the Mantis Shrimp has 16 cones and can see colors we cannot even begin to imagine. Edwin demanded that I show him a color spectrum for Mantis Shrimp and getting mad at me when I explain that it would just look like a normal rainbow to us because we don’t have the cones to see the colors they can see. He keeps getting upset that I won’t show him colors that we can’t see. I finally gave up trying to explain it to him and just googled heat vision photos to make him stop.
February 22: The fire alarm was pulled today and I ate my reheated pasta in the park while the entire school lined up in the grass. There had already been a fire drill that morning, so this was the second time the kids had done this. The school is supposed to have one fire drill a month, but the principal is trying to get rid of that since we have already done this ten times in seven months. The kids are so practiced that the school can be completely cleared out in under five minutes. Even after the fire fighters gave the all clear for us to return to the classrooms, the light warning kept flashing for a few hours. It came with an audible click that gave the impression that someone was taking regular pictures of us.
much love,
hedgie
February 16: This place is fancy. I feel like I am being watched all the time. Not being watched, like the staff suspects I am going to steal somethings, but always looking for opportunities to see if I need something. It’s like going on vacation in a car dealership.
February 17: I’ve been here two days now and the only picture I have taken is of the headboard of the bed because it has reading lamps installed on both sides. It’s pretty amazing.
February 18: I overheard a conversation in the lobby. Two women were comparing cars.
“I know it’s huge, but I just love my Mercedes so much.”
“I used to feel that way, but the Audi just handles so well.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve heard.”
I have never felt so out of place so fast.
February 19: Demoan was having another bad day. He was screaming curse words in the class and stomping his foot on Mrs. Amy’s ankles. Ana texted Fernando, who was on response duty.
“Do you need help with Demon?”
We debated on whether she spelled it wrong on purpose or not.
February 20: Maria’s kids have started splitting up curse words, one saying the first half and another finishing it. Paolo with say “fu” and Anthony will complete it with “ck”. This way, none of them are directly responsible for cussing.
“Whatever you do, don’t shush my class,” Maria warned us. Saying “shhhh” just results in them chorusing “it!”.
February 21: I taught my Eye Caramba class about rods and cones today. We went over how humans have three cones that allow them to see red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. We discussed how dogs only have two cones, which allow them to see yellow and blue. I showed them a color spectrum that shows what a rainbow looks like to us and how it would look to dogs. Then I told them about how the Mantis Shrimp has 16 cones and can see colors we cannot even begin to imagine. Edwin demanded that I show him a color spectrum for Mantis Shrimp and getting mad at me when I explain that it would just look like a normal rainbow to us because we don’t have the cones to see the colors they can see. He keeps getting upset that I won’t show him colors that we can’t see. I finally gave up trying to explain it to him and just googled heat vision photos to make him stop.
February 22: The fire alarm was pulled today and I ate my reheated pasta in the park while the entire school lined up in the grass. There had already been a fire drill that morning, so this was the second time the kids had done this. The school is supposed to have one fire drill a month, but the principal is trying to get rid of that since we have already done this ten times in seven months. The kids are so practiced that the school can be completely cleared out in under five minutes. Even after the fire fighters gave the all clear for us to return to the classrooms, the light warning kept flashing for a few hours. It came with an audible click that gave the impression that someone was taking regular pictures of us.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, February 14, 2019
a shrieking fart noise
February 8: The heavy rain lately is forcing all the rats to move into the school. I saw one run across the stage during snack and Melissa saw another as they were setting up to the Streetside Stories showcase. I don’t think Teacher Patel is aware of how bad a rat problem this school has. It was one of his students’ birthday today and he left for the weekend without cleaning up much. He left about a dozen hot pink frosted cupcakes on his desk.
February 9: It was strange watching him dance. I had grown accustomed to watching his move smoothly and patiently around children. Here, he was jerking like a marrionette and rolling around on the ground. It was hard to see how they both could be the same person.
February 10: I can’t really decide how I felt about “Educated”. It made me so uncomfortable and it was unpleasant to read at many points. Most of the time, I didn’t know what to do with the information it gave me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I put it down and would often pick it back up and start reading it again. I don’t know how to give that kind of experience a star rating.
February 11: Parents are taking it very personally that my class is now on the third floor. They act like I purposefully chose this room just to annoy them for the two times a week they actually walk up the stairs to get their child.
February 12: Despite the daily Tootle time where my kids say something nice to each other every day, they really suck at compliments. When the Tootle person is someone they don’t like very much, they try to find ways to say something that sounds nice, but without any warmth. They will often go with “she is safe”. Today, we wrote kind words on the whiteboard behind each girl in Girl Power. Over Milo, someone had carefully printed out “she is not a brat”.
February 13: I got a volunteer today. Mr. Peter will be coming in every Wednesday from 3 to 5. Hopefully, he won’t scare as easily as the first volunteer I had when my kids were in second grade.
February 14: I put candy, Oreos, pencils, erasers, slime, and one of the squeaky pigs Waunt got me into my class’ Valentine’s Day goodie bags. It took them only about three minutes to figure out how to remove the squeaker from the pig and that they could blow through it and make a high-pitched for as long as their breath could hold out. Two minutes later, they discovered that if they squeezed the pig while it was encased in the slime, it would make a shrieking fart noise.
much love,
hedgie
February 9: It was strange watching him dance. I had grown accustomed to watching his move smoothly and patiently around children. Here, he was jerking like a marrionette and rolling around on the ground. It was hard to see how they both could be the same person.
February 10: I can’t really decide how I felt about “Educated”. It made me so uncomfortable and it was unpleasant to read at many points. Most of the time, I didn’t know what to do with the information it gave me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I put it down and would often pick it back up and start reading it again. I don’t know how to give that kind of experience a star rating.
February 11: Parents are taking it very personally that my class is now on the third floor. They act like I purposefully chose this room just to annoy them for the two times a week they actually walk up the stairs to get their child.
February 12: Despite the daily Tootle time where my kids say something nice to each other every day, they really suck at compliments. When the Tootle person is someone they don’t like very much, they try to find ways to say something that sounds nice, but without any warmth. They will often go with “she is safe”. Today, we wrote kind words on the whiteboard behind each girl in Girl Power. Over Milo, someone had carefully printed out “she is not a brat”.
February 13: I got a volunteer today. Mr. Peter will be coming in every Wednesday from 3 to 5. Hopefully, he won’t scare as easily as the first volunteer I had when my kids were in second grade.
February 14: I put candy, Oreos, pencils, erasers, slime, and one of the squeaky pigs Waunt got me into my class’ Valentine’s Day goodie bags. It took them only about three minutes to figure out how to remove the squeaker from the pig and that they could blow through it and make a high-pitched for as long as their breath could hold out. Two minutes later, they discovered that if they squeezed the pig while it was encased in the slime, it would make a shrieking fart noise.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, February 7, 2019
a bag of chips
February 1: Things at work have been getting hard lately. People are starting to come apart at the seems. Fernando is falling asleep at his desk. People are getting frustrated at each other over car rides. Our lessons are coming simpler, smaller. It doesn’t take as much for our kids to make us upset. We went out to blow off some steam and drank and yelled more than we should have.
February 2: Hangovers got worse after I hit 25. During college, I would wake up thirsty and with a headache. Now, I wake up feeling fine. A few hours after being up, a headache would set in and my stomach would cramp. It gets worse through the day and lasts until I go to sleep that night.
February 3: He gets upset at me when I can’t let go of things. But he doesn’t do anything to help me do that. He gives a blank apology for something that happened repeatedly over the course of years and can’t understand why that doesn’t fix everything. He doesn’t get that it’s not like fixing a broken sink, one replacement part can’t make it like new again. It’s more like being hogtied. He wrapped and tangled in a rope, dropped the end, and then stares at me while I try to get myself out.
February 4: It started hailing in the middle of our community building activity. I paused during the directions to point out the window.”Hey,” I said calmly. “Look at that.” Five of them reacted by immediately screaming.
February 5: The CPR instructor told us that if we are performing the compressions correctly, the rib cage will crack and sound like a bag of chips. The older the person is, the crunchier they will be. Despite the horrifying image he put in our heads, he told us not to worry about that. He once met a man who went through almost half an hour of compressions and when he woke up, he said that his chest was kind of sore.
February 6: Our program is having an attendance audit, so we need to turn in all of the attendance sheets from the entire school year. A few parents are asking for copies of that and our sign out sheets. They are planning on using them as evidence during divorce proceedings to gain full custody of their children.
February 7: Sometimes what Milo notices and remembers is unnerving. Today, I wore a pair of dress pants that I don’t usually wear to work. She pointed it out as my “Rosie the Riveter” pants because the last time I wore them was as part of my Halloween costume. She also mentioned how I went to Chapman University, something I haven’t mentioned since the college march when she was in third grade. She told me she remembered it because “Chapman” sounds so similar to my last name.
much love,
hedgie
February 2: Hangovers got worse after I hit 25. During college, I would wake up thirsty and with a headache. Now, I wake up feeling fine. A few hours after being up, a headache would set in and my stomach would cramp. It gets worse through the day and lasts until I go to sleep that night.
February 3: He gets upset at me when I can’t let go of things. But he doesn’t do anything to help me do that. He gives a blank apology for something that happened repeatedly over the course of years and can’t understand why that doesn’t fix everything. He doesn’t get that it’s not like fixing a broken sink, one replacement part can’t make it like new again. It’s more like being hogtied. He wrapped and tangled in a rope, dropped the end, and then stares at me while I try to get myself out.
February 4: It started hailing in the middle of our community building activity. I paused during the directions to point out the window.”Hey,” I said calmly. “Look at that.” Five of them reacted by immediately screaming.
February 5: The CPR instructor told us that if we are performing the compressions correctly, the rib cage will crack and sound like a bag of chips. The older the person is, the crunchier they will be. Despite the horrifying image he put in our heads, he told us not to worry about that. He once met a man who went through almost half an hour of compressions and when he woke up, he said that his chest was kind of sore.
February 6: Our program is having an attendance audit, so we need to turn in all of the attendance sheets from the entire school year. A few parents are asking for copies of that and our sign out sheets. They are planning on using them as evidence during divorce proceedings to gain full custody of their children.
February 7: Sometimes what Milo notices and remembers is unnerving. Today, I wore a pair of dress pants that I don’t usually wear to work. She pointed it out as my “Rosie the Riveter” pants because the last time I wore them was as part of my Halloween costume. She also mentioned how I went to Chapman University, something I haven’t mentioned since the college march when she was in third grade. She told me she remembered it because “Chapman” sounds so similar to my last name.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, January 31, 2019
a row of human dominoes
January 25: The main speaker spent half an hour telling us how the day’s theme of “A Seat at the Table” is a metaphor.
“What kind of table?” She asked. “The kitchen table? The periodic table? The table of contents?”
January 27: Whenever I had a sore throat as a kid, I pictured it was a giant teeter totter of stone sitting where my collar bones joined together. It was made of the same red sandstone I saw in pictures of Arizona. One end dug into my vocal cords while the other side scraped the back of my throat. When I swallowed any food, the ends would tilt and grind against the soft cartilage of my Trachea. Then when the food went down, it would slam back to equilibrium.
January 28: Mr. Patel moved around everything in his classroom again. I’ve been in his room for two weeks and this is my third time making a new seating chart.
January 29: I set a time at the beginning of every Girl Power lesson to talk about issues that are on their minds. Milo brought up how much she dislikes being seen as bratty and uncapable because she is a girl. Celeste brought up how annoying it was that she saved up a ton of virtual money to buy a car in a video game, but it turns out she can only afford a bicycle.
January 30: In the year when I lived in San Diego and couldn’t get out of bed before three in the afternoon, Nick bought me a book about quarter-life crises. It was full of short essays of people describing their bouts with depression. I never read the entire book. Most of the people were terrible writers and their quick paragraphs all read the same way: things sucked for a while, but now they are better. But the book did help a lot. There were so many of these stories, sometimes even five of them were crammed onto one page. So many people went through this too and they are all still here to tell their stories.
January 31: We did trust falls in Girl Power today. It took about ten minutes for them to trust each other enough that the person falling didn’t take a tentative step backwards in case they were not caught. I turned around for a minute to get the supplies for our trust walk obstacle course when they decided to try a trust fall line. Seven girls lined up and all fell onto the person behind them. It did not work out they way they thought it would. They were just a row of human dominoes.
much love,
hedgie
“What kind of table?” She asked. “The kitchen table? The periodic table? The table of contents?”
January 26: Her favorite thing in the world was people’s obsessions. The more time and money they spent on it, the more she was intrigued by what drew them to it. That’s why she loved Bigfoot believers so much. People who believe in Bigfoot never half-ass their faith. All the ones she had met in her life spent their weekends making petitions to section off parts of the woods as a Bigfoot preservation or opened museums they couldn’t afford to tell random motorists about the latest hair sample found deep in the forests of Nepal.
She felt the same way about Sabrina’s belief in astrology. While Olivia couldn’t see how star placements could mold a person’s personality, she loved the way Sabrina looked when she talked about is. The way her eyes lit up and the curve of her smile could make her believe just enough to never voice her criticisms out loud.January 27: Whenever I had a sore throat as a kid, I pictured it was a giant teeter totter of stone sitting where my collar bones joined together. It was made of the same red sandstone I saw in pictures of Arizona. One end dug into my vocal cords while the other side scraped the back of my throat. When I swallowed any food, the ends would tilt and grind against the soft cartilage of my Trachea. Then when the food went down, it would slam back to equilibrium.
January 28: Mr. Patel moved around everything in his classroom again. I’ve been in his room for two weeks and this is my third time making a new seating chart.
January 29: I set a time at the beginning of every Girl Power lesson to talk about issues that are on their minds. Milo brought up how much she dislikes being seen as bratty and uncapable because she is a girl. Celeste brought up how annoying it was that she saved up a ton of virtual money to buy a car in a video game, but it turns out she can only afford a bicycle.
January 30: In the year when I lived in San Diego and couldn’t get out of bed before three in the afternoon, Nick bought me a book about quarter-life crises. It was full of short essays of people describing their bouts with depression. I never read the entire book. Most of the people were terrible writers and their quick paragraphs all read the same way: things sucked for a while, but now they are better. But the book did help a lot. There were so many of these stories, sometimes even five of them were crammed onto one page. So many people went through this too and they are all still here to tell their stories.
January 31: We did trust falls in Girl Power today. It took about ten minutes for them to trust each other enough that the person falling didn’t take a tentative step backwards in case they were not caught. I turned around for a minute to get the supplies for our trust walk obstacle course when they decided to try a trust fall line. Seven girls lined up and all fell onto the person behind them. It did not work out they way they thought it would. They were just a row of human dominoes.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, January 24, 2019
start a podcast together about labor unions
January 18: She remembered the candy store most of all. Right by the door was a pile of blue-striped plastic bags to hold the pounds of candy her parents scooped for her from the barrels that were larger than she was. She would excitedly run from barrel to barrel, pointing at saltwater taffy, Warheads, and gum. She watched as the colorful drop spilled into the bag. She couldn’t imagine anything better than a place practically bursting with treats. She went back years later with him. She grabbed the plastic bag and was so excited to show him the ridiculous quantities of candy they had. She dipped the metal scoop into a barrel of strawberry bonbons. She was surprised to feel it stop suddenly just a few inches deep. The layer of candy was shallow and did not run the length of the barrel. She supposed that this made sense. The candy at the bottom would never get bought and just deteriorate, but she still couldn’t help but feel strangely hollow.
January 19: I just realized that I am teaching Girl Power during February. I can hold a celebration for Galentine’s Day!
January 20: The waiter put a sweating bottle of water on the table that had “ultimate hydrogen water” etched onto it.
“Wow. This water has the ultimate amount of hydrogen.”
“There’s so much hydrogen, I bet there’s twice as much as there is oxygen in there.”
January 21: Nick ran into Ron while he was taking out the recycling. He has suddenly decided that he and Nick should start a podcast together about labor unions. Nick is guessing he may have been a little high during that conversation.
January 22: We switched to our new classrooms today. It was difficult to set anything up because room 311 is a mess. It’s a new teacher and he apparently has about as little control over the furniture as he does over the students.
January 23: Watching VOLTA almost made me want to work out. The way they glided in the air looked so serene, like they were suspended in water, floating beautifully and aimlessly. They made it look so effortless that it wasn’t until hours later that I pictured actually trying to copy them and just straining every muscle in my body and falling off multiple times.
January 24: The school changed our response shifts again. They are now an hour and a half long and take place two hours before we even come into work.
much love,
hedgie
January 19: I just realized that I am teaching Girl Power during February. I can hold a celebration for Galentine’s Day!
January 20: The waiter put a sweating bottle of water on the table that had “ultimate hydrogen water” etched onto it.
“Wow. This water has the ultimate amount of hydrogen.”
“There’s so much hydrogen, I bet there’s twice as much as there is oxygen in there.”
January 21: Nick ran into Ron while he was taking out the recycling. He has suddenly decided that he and Nick should start a podcast together about labor unions. Nick is guessing he may have been a little high during that conversation.
January 22: We switched to our new classrooms today. It was difficult to set anything up because room 311 is a mess. It’s a new teacher and he apparently has about as little control over the furniture as he does over the students.
January 23: Watching VOLTA almost made me want to work out. The way they glided in the air looked so serene, like they were suspended in water, floating beautifully and aimlessly. They made it look so effortless that it wasn’t until hours later that I pictured actually trying to copy them and just straining every muscle in my body and falling off multiple times.
January 24: The school changed our response shifts again. They are now an hour and a half long and take place two hours before we even come into work.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, January 17, 2019
a raccoon carcass in McDonald’s
January 9: Abel tried to ditch me today by saying he had a very important meeting with his new speech therapy teacher and he had to leave immediately. I told him that he wasn’t going anywhere without a teacher. He later convinced the librarian to take him to the library so that he could borrow an origami book. Then he very happily confessed to me that the whole speech therapy thing was a lie so he could borrow the book.
January 10: Jen showed us a video of a man who brought in a raccoon carcass into a McDonald’s and put it on the table. The man filming the scene narrated what was happening, screaming ‘fuck’ repeatedly until the man got up and walked away, leaving the dead raccoon where it was. The filmer’s profanity paused only to declare that this could only happen in San Francisco.
January 11: I received my 23andMe results today. They have a section that puts me into weirdly specific categories based on my genetics. I am likely to be able smell asparagus odor in my urine, I am likely to have cilantro taste aversion, and I am less likely to hate the sound of people chewing.
January 12: We overlapped all four sleds together and manage to get all nine of us onto it. Brandon called it the human sled-ipede, but Emily was not a fan of that. It was slippery and difficult to stay together while creeping toward the summit of the hill. A few dads at the top of the hill helped push us down the hill while everyone wrapped their legs around the waist of the person seated in front of them. We didn’t go far, but we managed to stay attached.
January 13: Aaron regretted that we didn’t make the whole weekend Donner Party themed. We could have eaten ribs and made gingerbread people, all decorated to look like us. Brandon was already suggesting that we eat Phil first.
Emily squinted her eyes as she thought about it. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’ve already had my Phil.”
“Besides,” I said. “He wouldn’t give much variety. He’s all dark meat.”
January 14: The walkie talkie crackled into life. “Code five!” Ms. Amy screamed. “We have a code five in the cafeteria.” The fear in her voice and the screams in the background made her sound like she was in the middle of a war zone.
January 15: We talked about gateway behaviors, actions that usually incite fights or frustrations, like talking out of turn and name-calling. Their activity was to make a wanted poster about those behaviors and list what they look like and when they tend to show up. My example was Show-off Sally, who tells people she’s better than them and she shows up during kickball games. Milo came up with Gossiping Gorgon, complete with fangs and snake hair.
January 16: The training gave a list of ways to help us get children prepared for taking leadership roles. One of them was positive encouragement. I almost laughed at the fact that they felt the need to specifically label the encouragement as positive. I tried to imagine someone giving negative encouragement. A teacher screaming that a student is doing fucking amazing before drop kicking them out the second story window.
January 17: Miss Connie told me about being woken up by an earthquake around six in the morning. This was the second night in a row that this has happened. It was a little rumble and she compared it to a pig scratching its butt on a post. “You know what I’m talking about,” she asked. I really had no idea.
much love,
hedgie
January 10: Jen showed us a video of a man who brought in a raccoon carcass into a McDonald’s and put it on the table. The man filming the scene narrated what was happening, screaming ‘fuck’ repeatedly until the man got up and walked away, leaving the dead raccoon where it was. The filmer’s profanity paused only to declare that this could only happen in San Francisco.
January 11: I received my 23andMe results today. They have a section that puts me into weirdly specific categories based on my genetics. I am likely to be able smell asparagus odor in my urine, I am likely to have cilantro taste aversion, and I am less likely to hate the sound of people chewing.
January 12: We overlapped all four sleds together and manage to get all nine of us onto it. Brandon called it the human sled-ipede, but Emily was not a fan of that. It was slippery and difficult to stay together while creeping toward the summit of the hill. A few dads at the top of the hill helped push us down the hill while everyone wrapped their legs around the waist of the person seated in front of them. We didn’t go far, but we managed to stay attached.
January 13: Aaron regretted that we didn’t make the whole weekend Donner Party themed. We could have eaten ribs and made gingerbread people, all decorated to look like us. Brandon was already suggesting that we eat Phil first.
Emily squinted her eyes as she thought about it. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’ve already had my Phil.”
“Besides,” I said. “He wouldn’t give much variety. He’s all dark meat.”
January 14: The walkie talkie crackled into life. “Code five!” Ms. Amy screamed. “We have a code five in the cafeteria.” The fear in her voice and the screams in the background made her sound like she was in the middle of a war zone.
January 15: We talked about gateway behaviors, actions that usually incite fights or frustrations, like talking out of turn and name-calling. Their activity was to make a wanted poster about those behaviors and list what they look like and when they tend to show up. My example was Show-off Sally, who tells people she’s better than them and she shows up during kickball games. Milo came up with Gossiping Gorgon, complete with fangs and snake hair.
January 16: The training gave a list of ways to help us get children prepared for taking leadership roles. One of them was positive encouragement. I almost laughed at the fact that they felt the need to specifically label the encouragement as positive. I tried to imagine someone giving negative encouragement. A teacher screaming that a student is doing fucking amazing before drop kicking them out the second story window.
January 17: Miss Connie told me about being woken up by an earthquake around six in the morning. This was the second night in a row that this has happened. It was a little rumble and she compared it to a pig scratching its butt on a post. “You know what I’m talking about,” she asked. I really had no idea.
much love,
hedgie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)