December 25: The sun barely breached the mountain top that hunched over the Blue Lagoon before it started sinking into sunset again. It was defenseless against the fog that would make Nick disappear every time he swam more than five feet away from me.
December 26: Various similes that came to mind while watching the Northern Lights:
Like water coloring painting with the inside of a green glow stick.
Like god playing a galactic keyboard.
Like the flickering steam that bubbled up when my dad threw an ice cube on the still hot teppan table at Shogun.
December 27: It was a 45-minute walk to the plane wreck on Black Sand Beach, which might explain why on our trek back to the car, we saw a family flying a drone out to view it instead.
December 28: The cabins had a three hot tubs stationed nearby. Nick and I ran to them, barefoot through the snow and only marginally wrapped in the tiny bathroom towels they provided. The sensor for the light above the hot tub was too cold to register movement and continued to flicker on and off while we mapped out our plan to get back to the cabin without slipping on the ice-coated steps.
December 29: The Friðheimar restaurant is built inside of the greenhouse that produces 18% of Iceland’s tomatoes. Inside the building, you can find hundreds of bees and tomato ice cream.
December 30: I will forever be indebted to The Ghost Bus Tours for teaching me about the ghost story that ran in the newspapers with the headline: Scratching Fanny of Cock Lane.
December 31: I’m a little disappointed at how dignified the souvenirs are in London. I was hoping to find a ridiculous magnet of Mr. Bean or a dolled up corgi, but everything I could find was frustratingly tasteful and refined.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Sunday, December 24, 2017
a country, a hot tub, and a solid gold hedgehog
December 18: Today’s community circle question was what everyone was going to buy me for Christmas. A few were modest and said cookies while others were more generous and claimed they would buy me a country, a hot tub, and a solid gold hedgehog.
December 19: Last year, Eddie went home with a giant carton of Nutella and a Magic Mike dvd. A lot of people were jealous. Especially since over the years, people have left the White Elephant gift exchange with a paperclips, one pack of batteries, or an empty box.
December 20: Briana won the poetry contest. Her prize was a new soccer ball, a special notebook, and a fluorescent pink pencil. On the first page of her new notebook, she drew a picture of me. It melted my heart until she began pinching people again ten minutes later.
December 21: I know I’m not supposed to judge children’s likes and dislikes, but when one of them claims that Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka movie was better than the Gene Wilder one, then I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
December 22: Margaret was obsessed with Daniel Radcliffe when we were in high school. There was one day when one of her sisters had a dream where Daniel Radcliffe was speaking directly to her and told her to check all her pant pockets when she woke up. Then he said he was going to go into Margaret’s dream. When they went through all her sister’s pant pockets, they found a scrap piece of paper with half of a phone number. This was the part of the story where Margaret bemoans that she couldn’t remember Daniel’s message in her dream and finish the rest of the puzzle. This is what I love about her. Not once did she just shrug off her sister’s dream or even doubt that Daniel Radcliffe tried to communicate with her. She immediately jumps to the conclusion that it all happened as dream Daniel promised it would and she just forgot.
December 23: It has been an adjustment getting used to Icelandic cuisine. Today, Nick ate fermented shark in a marketplace and we both had course that was dung-smoked at dinner.
December 24: Nick lead us down a rocky path where we used a foot bath-sized hot spring on the beach next to a shack filled with hanging chunks of fermenting shark in a snowstorm. I am not positive that Iceland is real.
much love,
hedgie
December 19: Last year, Eddie went home with a giant carton of Nutella and a Magic Mike dvd. A lot of people were jealous. Especially since over the years, people have left the White Elephant gift exchange with a paperclips, one pack of batteries, or an empty box.
December 20: Briana won the poetry contest. Her prize was a new soccer ball, a special notebook, and a fluorescent pink pencil. On the first page of her new notebook, she drew a picture of me. It melted my heart until she began pinching people again ten minutes later.
December 21: I know I’m not supposed to judge children’s likes and dislikes, but when one of them claims that Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka movie was better than the Gene Wilder one, then I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
December 22: Margaret was obsessed with Daniel Radcliffe when we were in high school. There was one day when one of her sisters had a dream where Daniel Radcliffe was speaking directly to her and told her to check all her pant pockets when she woke up. Then he said he was going to go into Margaret’s dream. When they went through all her sister’s pant pockets, they found a scrap piece of paper with half of a phone number. This was the part of the story where Margaret bemoans that she couldn’t remember Daniel’s message in her dream and finish the rest of the puzzle. This is what I love about her. Not once did she just shrug off her sister’s dream or even doubt that Daniel Radcliffe tried to communicate with her. She immediately jumps to the conclusion that it all happened as dream Daniel promised it would and she just forgot.
December 23: It has been an adjustment getting used to Icelandic cuisine. Today, Nick ate fermented shark in a marketplace and we both had course that was dung-smoked at dinner.
December 24: Nick lead us down a rocky path where we used a foot bath-sized hot spring on the beach next to a shack filled with hanging chunks of fermenting shark in a snowstorm. I am not positive that Iceland is real.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, December 17, 2017
chair privileges
December 10: I spent all day in my pajamas. It was awesome.
December 11: Two of my students lost their chair privileges today. They kept purposely sitting in them wrong so that they would loudly tumble to the ground and get everyone’s attention. They had to spend half the day sitting on the rainbow rug.
December 12: I held the envelope up above my head for all of them to see. It contained the name of the winner of the poetry contest between us and my dad’s creative writing class. The fifth grade boys were legitimately terrified because if we lost, the bet stipulated we had to eat bugs and I told them I went to the bait shop that morning to buy a bag full of earthworms.
December 13: Maria bought tickets for her and her parents to go see Aladdin for Christmas. I mentioned that I was going to see it too. Then we found out that while Nick paid $80 for two tickets, Maria had paid $500 for three tickets. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me, “I hope your seats have partial obscurity.”
December 14: The latest toy trend is squishes, which are just the squishy versions of everyday objects. The more popular ones are ice cream cones and slices of chocolate cake. But at recess, I saw one girl squeezing a squishy entire loaf of bread.
December 15: During the school Christmas showcase, we had to break up a fight between two parents. Their sons had gotten into a fight and while relaying what had taken place, one of the mothers repeatedly yelled the n-word over and over again right in front of the TK class.
December 16: Nick trimmed my hair using electric clippers. The vibrations tickled my neck and made it very difficult to sit still.
December 17: Greg’s favorite feature of his new Tesla is what he calls the “chivalry button” that will open the passenger door for Elaine without him having to leave the car.
much love,
hedgie
December 11: Two of my students lost their chair privileges today. They kept purposely sitting in them wrong so that they would loudly tumble to the ground and get everyone’s attention. They had to spend half the day sitting on the rainbow rug.
December 12: I held the envelope up above my head for all of them to see. It contained the name of the winner of the poetry contest between us and my dad’s creative writing class. The fifth grade boys were legitimately terrified because if we lost, the bet stipulated we had to eat bugs and I told them I went to the bait shop that morning to buy a bag full of earthworms.
December 13: Maria bought tickets for her and her parents to go see Aladdin for Christmas. I mentioned that I was going to see it too. Then we found out that while Nick paid $80 for two tickets, Maria had paid $500 for three tickets. Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me, “I hope your seats have partial obscurity.”
December 14: The latest toy trend is squishes, which are just the squishy versions of everyday objects. The more popular ones are ice cream cones and slices of chocolate cake. But at recess, I saw one girl squeezing a squishy entire loaf of bread.
December 15: During the school Christmas showcase, we had to break up a fight between two parents. Their sons had gotten into a fight and while relaying what had taken place, one of the mothers repeatedly yelled the n-word over and over again right in front of the TK class.
December 16: Nick trimmed my hair using electric clippers. The vibrations tickled my neck and made it very difficult to sit still.
December 17: Greg’s favorite feature of his new Tesla is what he calls the “chivalry button” that will open the passenger door for Elaine without him having to leave the car.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, December 9, 2017
she said, “I just ate the skull” and then giggled
December 1: Miss Connie brought in balut to work and ate it while standing over the trashcan. All of our coworkers were horrified, especially when she said, “I just ate the skull” and then giggled.
December 2: There was a sushi restaurant on the corner that advertised their “All You Can It Sushi”. The sign went uncorrected for years, which my brothers loved. I wasn’t much of a fan of actually eating there. They shared a wall with an exotic bird store, so the restaurant always smelled like birds and seed.
December 3: My new laptop arrived! It’s so beautiful and doesn’t take fifteen minutes to load a three minute long video!
December 4: One of our neighbors has now taped a sign on his trashcan saying that he has installed a camera inside of it and would post photos of anyone who threw dog poop away in it on social media. I can’t decide if this guy is just really weird about his trashcan or if it’s a genius ploy to get angry people to actually clean up after their dogs.
December 5: Rah has been working on his own version of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and has been gathering quotes from all the teachers to write on the back.
“This looks awesome!”—Miss Heather
“Where am I on there?”—Miss Ana
December 6: Kiara started in my class today. She has made quite the impression on all the other staff members as she began a wrestling match at the beginning to class and was picked up half an hour after we close.
December 7: Shanah cried at least a dozen times today. What surprises me most is that she didn’t collapse from dehydration at any point.
December 8: Dora wants to leave the soccer team because the boys won’t stop making ball sack jokes.
December 9: The Google Christmas party employed two women who did nothing but swing back and forth on long poles. They wore long, white dresses that covered the poles so that they looked like they were fifteen feet tall. When they climbed down from on the poles to go on break, they pulled up the long fabric draping down to reveal that they were both wearing leggings and converse underneath.
much love,
hedgie
December 2: There was a sushi restaurant on the corner that advertised their “All You Can It Sushi”. The sign went uncorrected for years, which my brothers loved. I wasn’t much of a fan of actually eating there. They shared a wall with an exotic bird store, so the restaurant always smelled like birds and seed.
December 3: My new laptop arrived! It’s so beautiful and doesn’t take fifteen minutes to load a three minute long video!
December 4: One of our neighbors has now taped a sign on his trashcan saying that he has installed a camera inside of it and would post photos of anyone who threw dog poop away in it on social media. I can’t decide if this guy is just really weird about his trashcan or if it’s a genius ploy to get angry people to actually clean up after their dogs.
December 5: Rah has been working on his own version of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” and has been gathering quotes from all the teachers to write on the back.
“This looks awesome!”—Miss Heather
“Where am I on there?”—Miss Ana
December 6: Kiara started in my class today. She has made quite the impression on all the other staff members as she began a wrestling match at the beginning to class and was picked up half an hour after we close.
December 7: Shanah cried at least a dozen times today. What surprises me most is that she didn’t collapse from dehydration at any point.
December 8: Dora wants to leave the soccer team because the boys won’t stop making ball sack jokes.
December 9: The Google Christmas party employed two women who did nothing but swing back and forth on long poles. They wore long, white dresses that covered the poles so that they looked like they were fifteen feet tall. When they climbed down from on the poles to go on break, they pulled up the long fabric draping down to reveal that they were both wearing leggings and converse underneath.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, November 30, 2017
eight grown adult women spend half an hour trying to take a picture that had all nine dogs in it
November 24: For National Heidi Day, we ended the night by building a blanket fort and watching “Big Trouble in Little China” with wine and while wearing cartoon animal face masks. We are adults.
November 25: I watched eight grown adult women spend half an hour trying to take a picture that had all nine dogs in it. They did not succeed.
November 26:
November 28: A Mission Graduates student from Bryant died in a car accident over the weekend. Everyone is trying to raise money for her mother because the girl’s body won’t be released until she can pay for the expenses. Who does that to a person who just lost her ten year old daughter?
November 29: All the parents actually remembered it was pool day today and they packed their kids with their swimsuits and permission slips. Unfortunately, about a third of them neglected to give their children towels to dry off with after.
November 30: 50,000 words! I won NaNoWriMo. Now I’m to go to bed and dream about this book getting published and then made into a movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch, Dame Judy Dench, and Simon Pegg.
much love,
hedgie
November 25: I watched eight grown adult women spend half an hour trying to take a picture that had all nine dogs in it. They did not succeed.
November 26:
When I first met Michael, he informed me that he had yellow fever and I prayed to god that he had the viral disease transmitted by mosquitoes.
November 27: The kids like to play a game where they ask you your name, ask you to name the part of their face they are pointing at, and to ask what they are holding in their hands. This way, they can try to get me to say “Ms. Heather knows nothing”. But a lot of them manage to ruin the joke on the first question by asking me “Ms. Heather, whats your name?”November 28: A Mission Graduates student from Bryant died in a car accident over the weekend. Everyone is trying to raise money for her mother because the girl’s body won’t be released until she can pay for the expenses. Who does that to a person who just lost her ten year old daughter?
November 29: All the parents actually remembered it was pool day today and they packed their kids with their swimsuits and permission slips. Unfortunately, about a third of them neglected to give their children towels to dry off with after.
November 30: 50,000 words! I won NaNoWriMo. Now I’m to go to bed and dream about this book getting published and then made into a movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch, Dame Judy Dench, and Simon Pegg.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, November 23, 2017
crying and hyperscream
November 17: Maria’s class are making little super hero versions of themselves. Some of their super powers include crying and hyper scream.
November 18: Nick made us start the drive to Mission Viejo at six this morning. I immediately fell asleep in the car for four hours, but I still don’t love Nick anymore.
November 19: We had Nick’s dream birthday party: board games and all food stuffs are covered in melted cheese.
November 20: Katie had a severe hangover after Nick’s birthday party. She, Dylan, and I went out to Irvine to get some ramen and watch surprisingly graceful sumo wrestling.
November 21: The server at Casa Franco’s shaved off his mohawk. I almost didn’t recognize him. Everything is now officially fixed from when that car drove in through their front wall.
November 22: Nick took dad and me to the Venice Beach Google office. Nick had a conference call, but dad and I found a quiet room in the rounded section of the building’s binoculars that was full of beanbags and one giant light bulb hanging from the ceiling to write in.
November 23: We started drinking by lunchtime and the only note I had in my phone for the entire day was: “Ghost haunting poop—unfinished business”.
much love,
hedgie
November 18: Nick made us start the drive to Mission Viejo at six this morning. I immediately fell asleep in the car for four hours, but I still don’t love Nick anymore.
November 19: We had Nick’s dream birthday party: board games and all food stuffs are covered in melted cheese.
November 20: Katie had a severe hangover after Nick’s birthday party. She, Dylan, and I went out to Irvine to get some ramen and watch surprisingly graceful sumo wrestling.
November 21: The server at Casa Franco’s shaved off his mohawk. I almost didn’t recognize him. Everything is now officially fixed from when that car drove in through their front wall.
November 22: Nick took dad and me to the Venice Beach Google office. Nick had a conference call, but dad and I found a quiet room in the rounded section of the building’s binoculars that was full of beanbags and one giant light bulb hanging from the ceiling to write in.
November 23: We started drinking by lunchtime and the only note I had in my phone for the entire day was: “Ghost haunting poop—unfinished business”.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, November 16, 2017
i feel like fire
November 10: Nick’s dad decided to call his brother that Nick and I did not invite to the wedding on speaker phone. He brought up the fact that we didn’t invite him to the wedding twice. I feel like he’s trying to start a feud between everyone. He knows that so many of his family members have refused to speak for decades over smaller things.
November 11: I never thought that I would ever write the phrase “a giant golden dick” on my wedding gift thank you cards, but here I am now.
November 12: Nick bought me a plain rose gold band so that I can have a full set of rings to wear at work that won’t scratch my kids. I love it. Now our rings also match a little now since Nick’s wedding ring is wood and rose gold.
November 13: For a team building exercise, Melissa lead up in a group MadLib. We ended up writing about expensive summer vacations where people hunt teachers and parents ate teachers for dinner.
November 14: When we got into our discussion groups, Eddie told us we had three minutes to go around and each share our biggest mistake. Miss Connie went first, saying that her biggest mistake was putting the wedding ring onto her husband’s finger.
November 15: Briana wrote a beautiful and heartbreaking poem in Scores Poetry today.
“I feel like fire because I don’t have my dad. He is in another country and my dad is sad. When I am eleven years old, I can go to the other country where he lives.”
November 16: Nancy Q. and Kaylee got had a huge falling out over something that one of them did in kindergarten. Melissa had to lead a peace talk for something that happened half of their lives ago.
much love,
hedgie
November 11: I never thought that I would ever write the phrase “a giant golden dick” on my wedding gift thank you cards, but here I am now.
November 12: Nick bought me a plain rose gold band so that I can have a full set of rings to wear at work that won’t scratch my kids. I love it. Now our rings also match a little now since Nick’s wedding ring is wood and rose gold.
November 13: For a team building exercise, Melissa lead up in a group MadLib. We ended up writing about expensive summer vacations where people hunt teachers and parents ate teachers for dinner.
November 14: When we got into our discussion groups, Eddie told us we had three minutes to go around and each share our biggest mistake. Miss Connie went first, saying that her biggest mistake was putting the wedding ring onto her husband’s finger.
November 15: Briana wrote a beautiful and heartbreaking poem in Scores Poetry today.
“I feel like fire because I don’t have my dad. He is in another country and my dad is sad. When I am eleven years old, I can go to the other country where he lives.”
November 16: Nancy Q. and Kaylee got had a huge falling out over something that one of them did in kindergarten. Melissa had to lead a peace talk for something that happened half of their lives ago.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, November 9, 2017
hell has cell service
November 1: Everyone is still on edge today. Yesterday, a woman wandered to the school’s front gate, claiming that god had sent her here to rescue the children. She intercepted a woman who was picking up her niece early and tried to run off with the first grader.
November 2: María was sick today, so I taught her fall art elective class. Her first graders cry almost as much as my third graders do. Almost.
November 3: Nick and I drove through a car wash while playing “Car Wash” on Nick’s iPhone. We thought it was funny. Addie and George did not enjoy it as much.
November 4: We had breakfast with Nick’s paternal grandparents this morning. They kept going on about immigrants stealing jobs, so I excused myself to the bathroom. Their bathroom had personalized towels with matching bars of soap. Is that what rich people do? Monogram their soap?
November 5:
November 7: I hit my first NaNoWriMo word count today. 10,000 words, which means Nick and I went to the Silent Reading Party. We saw Daniel Handler again. We cannot shake that guy off.
November 8: Ms. Jay strummed her guitar and had the kids repeat after her as she sang. It was pretty straight forwards until she got to the free style part of the song and started complaining about how her birthday was yesterday and her grandson called her and talked to her for an hour without mentioning her birthday once. My 8-year-olds were not quite sure how to react to that.
November 9: The sun sets before 5:30 now. It is dark before program closes. It has been putting the kids in the mood to tell spooky stories. Jai’von tried to scare everyone by claiming he saw a little girl outside the window when he was going to the bathroom. It worked for awhile until I pointed out that we are in a school and seeing little girls is actually quite common
much love,
hedgie
November 2: María was sick today, so I taught her fall art elective class. Her first graders cry almost as much as my third graders do. Almost.
November 3: Nick and I drove through a car wash while playing “Car Wash” on Nick’s iPhone. We thought it was funny. Addie and George did not enjoy it as much.
November 4: We had breakfast with Nick’s paternal grandparents this morning. They kept going on about immigrants stealing jobs, so I excused myself to the bathroom. Their bathroom had personalized towels with matching bars of soap. Is that what rich people do? Monogram their soap?
November 5:
Me: I’m currently in a room full of people who watch Fox News. I’m in the Twilight Zone.
Dad: Still at the in-laws’?
Me: Where else could I be?
Dad: Hell?
Me: I really doubt hell has cell service.
November 6: Abel uses a strange mixture of letters and numbers when he writes. It’s like trying to read hieroglyphics when he writes his daily journal entry. It’s actually pretty amazing because he can actually read it and probably is the only one who can.November 7: I hit my first NaNoWriMo word count today. 10,000 words, which means Nick and I went to the Silent Reading Party. We saw Daniel Handler again. We cannot shake that guy off.
November 8: Ms. Jay strummed her guitar and had the kids repeat after her as she sang. It was pretty straight forwards until she got to the free style part of the song and started complaining about how her birthday was yesterday and her grandson called her and talked to her for an hour without mentioning her birthday once. My 8-year-olds were not quite sure how to react to that.
November 9: The sun sets before 5:30 now. It is dark before program closes. It has been putting the kids in the mood to tell spooky stories. Jai’von tried to scare everyone by claiming he saw a little girl outside the window when he was going to the bathroom. It worked for awhile until I pointed out that we are in a school and seeing little girls is actually quite common
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
whose grandmother was i smelling?
October 24: My students have come up with a lot of nicknames to refer to people in my dad’s class without having to actually learn their names. They call my dad KFC because they think he looks like Colonel Sanders. They favorite students to pick on are Harry Potter and Snorlax.
October 25: Jai'von has little control over his own butt. When all the other students manage to sit in a circle for community time, most kids have issues with staying at the edge of the circle and not creeping towards the center. Given just slowly leans forward until his forehead rests on the carpet, his butt up in the air and slowly swaying in circles.
October 26: We did the whisper challenge today and 90% of the sentences my kids wrote were about poop.
October 27: Flipping through the stained and dog-eared pages of Carter Beats the Devil, I found remnants of my life from the last time I read it. One item was a photo of dad, mom, Ryan, Dylan, and me standing in front of Buchanan Castle in Scotland. It was back before I had glasses and Dylan grew his hair out. Ryan had no tattoos and mom and dad looked so much younger.
October 28: I got a pixie cut today. My hair is so used to being weighed down by longer locks that it is defying gravity and refusing to lie flat. It sticks straight out like I have been struck through with lightning.
October 29: I have been banned from playing certain board games because I play with an objective that is different from what the rules state. My family stopped playing Masterpiece because I would only buy paintings I liked and then refuse to sell. In Kingdomino, I kept buying all the tracts of land that had a cryptozoological creature in it.
October 30: The kids have given me mixed reviews of my hair. A few of them told me it was weird, while more of them starting calling me Mr. Heather. Mostly, they are horrified because I told them that my hair just fell out over the weekend.
October 31: The Color Factory opened with a room that had a wall of strips and scratch and sniff stickers that went along with olfactory memories for each color. The yellow stripe had theater popcorn, a picnic on a sunny day, and grandmother’s perfume. As I knelled down to sniff the last one, I couldn’t help but wonder whose grandmother I was smelling.
much love,
hedgie
October 25: Jai'von has little control over his own butt. When all the other students manage to sit in a circle for community time, most kids have issues with staying at the edge of the circle and not creeping towards the center. Given just slowly leans forward until his forehead rests on the carpet, his butt up in the air and slowly swaying in circles.
October 26: We did the whisper challenge today and 90% of the sentences my kids wrote were about poop.
October 27: Flipping through the stained and dog-eared pages of Carter Beats the Devil, I found remnants of my life from the last time I read it. One item was a photo of dad, mom, Ryan, Dylan, and me standing in front of Buchanan Castle in Scotland. It was back before I had glasses and Dylan grew his hair out. Ryan had no tattoos and mom and dad looked so much younger.
October 28: I got a pixie cut today. My hair is so used to being weighed down by longer locks that it is defying gravity and refusing to lie flat. It sticks straight out like I have been struck through with lightning.
October 29: I have been banned from playing certain board games because I play with an objective that is different from what the rules state. My family stopped playing Masterpiece because I would only buy paintings I liked and then refuse to sell. In Kingdomino, I kept buying all the tracts of land that had a cryptozoological creature in it.
October 30: The kids have given me mixed reviews of my hair. A few of them told me it was weird, while more of them starting calling me Mr. Heather. Mostly, they are horrified because I told them that my hair just fell out over the weekend.
October 31: The Color Factory opened with a room that had a wall of strips and scratch and sniff stickers that went along with olfactory memories for each color. The yellow stripe had theater popcorn, a picnic on a sunny day, and grandmother’s perfume. As I knelled down to sniff the last one, I couldn’t help but wonder whose grandmother I was smelling.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, October 23, 2017
replicant
October 17: The smoke in the air had been so thick while we were away that all of our clean dishes drying near the open window were now coated in a layer of ash.
October 18: Ryan Gosling being a replicant actually makes a lot more sense than him being human
October 19: It’s strangely easy to forget the huge life event that took place a week ago. I will only suddenly remember that we are married when I reach over to hold Nick’s hand and feel his ring in between my fingertips.
October 20: My coworkers now suspect that I may be a murderer. Miss Connie brought in a few milk jugs to make ghosts with her students. I sighed loudly and told her that the correct way to make ghosts was to brutally murder someone. Melissa stopped writing on the whiteboard mid-sentence to turn about and say, “Jesus christ, Heather.”
October 21: I received my first ever jury summons. It told me to report to the Orange County City Hall on December 5th. I filled out an online form to disqualify myself since I do not live in that region anymore. It is my first time selecting ‘married’ on an official document.
October 22: Addie has scabs dotting her forehead from where is repeatedly jabbed her face into Joshua trees while looking for dead things to eat. When the dried up clumps fall come off, they take a fistful of fur with them.
October 23: Nick's sister was going at 6 for an hour or two to see some old friends and wanted to know if we would still be up when she got back. At 8. How old does she think we are?
much love,
hedgie
October 18: Ryan Gosling being a replicant actually makes a lot more sense than him being human
October 19: It’s strangely easy to forget the huge life event that took place a week ago. I will only suddenly remember that we are married when I reach over to hold Nick’s hand and feel his ring in between my fingertips.
October 20: My coworkers now suspect that I may be a murderer. Miss Connie brought in a few milk jugs to make ghosts with her students. I sighed loudly and told her that the correct way to make ghosts was to brutally murder someone. Melissa stopped writing on the whiteboard mid-sentence to turn about and say, “Jesus christ, Heather.”
October 21: I received my first ever jury summons. It told me to report to the Orange County City Hall on December 5th. I filled out an online form to disqualify myself since I do not live in that region anymore. It is my first time selecting ‘married’ on an official document.
October 22: Addie has scabs dotting her forehead from where is repeatedly jabbed her face into Joshua trees while looking for dead things to eat. When the dried up clumps fall come off, they take a fistful of fur with them.
October 23: Nick's sister was going at 6 for an hour or two to see some old friends and wanted to know if we would still be up when she got back. At 8. How old does she think we are?
much love,
hedgie
Monday, October 16, 2017
pretending to have a seizure
October 9: Nick’s dad has been insisting on taking a few minutes in the middle of the ceremony to bless our union. For months, he has refused to take no for an answer. Ryan and Dylan suggest we have a backup plan in case he manages to grab the mic and have his way. A plan that involves me popping a few aka seltzer tablets into my mouth and then pretending to have a seizure.
October 10: California has two seasons: perfect and on fire. It is currently on fire.
October 11: Heidi has a kiddie pool and two stunt kites in the trunk of her car, so she’s pretty much ready for anything.
October 12: The sound that emitted from the quartz bowls in The Integration was like a bee buzzing in the hollow of my head. I could follow the notes from ear to ear to forehead to nasal cavities. Despite the havoc the sound bath wreaked inside of my skull, I was asleep within fifteen minutes.
October 13: Ryan used to think that the little flap of fabric at the bottom of underwear was a secret compartment that he called his pee-pee pocket. He would often store little items in there to give as gifts. Dad still has a jar of stones on his shelf that were delivered to him this way.
October 14: Nick cried when he watched me walk down the aisle with my dad. Andrew had to hand him one of the tissues that Heidi stashed in her bra.
October 15: A betting pool went around for the wedding guests to predict when Nick and I would have our first child. The DJ put his granddaughter’s birthday as his guess, effectively accusing me of already being two months pregnant.
October 16: There are still protests about Nick and I not changing our last names to Lovechanan. I finally found a compromise. It will be my pen name: B.F. Lovechanan.
much love,
hedgie
October 10: California has two seasons: perfect and on fire. It is currently on fire.
October 11: Heidi has a kiddie pool and two stunt kites in the trunk of her car, so she’s pretty much ready for anything.
October 12: The sound that emitted from the quartz bowls in The Integration was like a bee buzzing in the hollow of my head. I could follow the notes from ear to ear to forehead to nasal cavities. Despite the havoc the sound bath wreaked inside of my skull, I was asleep within fifteen minutes.
October 13: Ryan used to think that the little flap of fabric at the bottom of underwear was a secret compartment that he called his pee-pee pocket. He would often store little items in there to give as gifts. Dad still has a jar of stones on his shelf that were delivered to him this way.
October 14: Nick cried when he watched me walk down the aisle with my dad. Andrew had to hand him one of the tissues that Heidi stashed in her bra.
October 15: A betting pool went around for the wedding guests to predict when Nick and I would have our first child. The DJ put his granddaughter’s birthday as his guess, effectively accusing me of already being two months pregnant.
October 16: There are still protests about Nick and I not changing our last names to Lovechanan. I finally found a compromise. It will be my pen name: B.F. Lovechanan.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, October 8, 2017
HAVE A BABY
October 1: The woman behind us in line at the grocery store cash register was only buying one bag of frozen pasta, a large caramel chocolate bar, and two bottles of rosé.
October 2: I told my kids that I would be gone for a week for my wedding. I asked if they had any questions. Jaivon raised his hand and without waiting for me to call on him, yelled “HAVE A BABY!”
October 3: Scores poetry had our first FaceTime with dad’s creative writing class. The trash talk started immediately. One of the kid favorite insults was “you look like a waffle!”
October 4: David is obsessed with chickens lately. He claims every clothing pattern is of chickens and that he has to put on a helmet when his older brother picks him up because they ride a giant chicken home.
October 5: Melissa hired a new teacher today. We finally have a full staff!
October 6: It was my last day with my kids before I got married. They sang “happy wedding to you” to the tune of the happy birthday song.
October 7: The drag queens asked for all brides to be to go to the stage. There were three of us total. I am apparently too classy for drag queens to make fun of me because they spent only a few seconds examining my ring before moving on to the bachelorette wearing a fake mustache.
October 8: Angi leaned out of the porthole in our suite and wondered out loud if we thought she could spit on the people walking up the ramp and into the Queen Mary. Turns out, she could.
much love,
hedgie
October 2: I told my kids that I would be gone for a week for my wedding. I asked if they had any questions. Jaivon raised his hand and without waiting for me to call on him, yelled “HAVE A BABY!”
October 3: Scores poetry had our first FaceTime with dad’s creative writing class. The trash talk started immediately. One of the kid favorite insults was “you look like a waffle!”
October 4: David is obsessed with chickens lately. He claims every clothing pattern is of chickens and that he has to put on a helmet when his older brother picks him up because they ride a giant chicken home.
October 5: Melissa hired a new teacher today. We finally have a full staff!
October 6: It was my last day with my kids before I got married. They sang “happy wedding to you” to the tune of the happy birthday song.
October 7: The drag queens asked for all brides to be to go to the stage. There were three of us total. I am apparently too classy for drag queens to make fun of me because they spent only a few seconds examining my ring before moving on to the bachelorette wearing a fake mustache.
October 8: Angi leaned out of the porthole in our suite and wondered out loud if we thought she could spit on the people walking up the ramp and into the Queen Mary. Turns out, she could.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, September 30, 2017
fundamental misunderstanding
September 25: Rah has a fundamental misunderstanding about how ding-dong-ditching works. He knocked on the bungalow door and waited for Melissa to answer the door and say hi to him before running away and yelling, "I got you! Ding dong!”
September 26: “I liked our lesson on Rosalind Franklin because I learned that if we work together, we can make things happen.”
“I liked this lesson because we got marshmallows.”
September 27: Jen has started putting little packets of Tajin in her prize box for her kinders.
September 28: We polled the class to see how many of them inherited the ability to make Spock’s live long and prosper Vulcan hand salute. Half of the class could manage it while the other half glared at their fingers for disobeying them. When their parents picked them up, their first question was if they were able to do it.
September 29: Ms. Connie is expecting her first grandchild any day now. She told Melissa she might not be in on Monday depending on when her daughter started labor. But, due to Ms. Connie's accent, Melissa misunderstood and spent the next hour trying to figure out why her doctor's baby was so important to her.
September 30: The Winchester Mystery House was filled with people and devices meant to jump out at you and fill the 160 rooms with screams. Our practiced tour guide jumped about a foot when a woman in our group dropped the glow in the dark straw from her to go margarita.
much love,
hedgie
September 26: “I liked our lesson on Rosalind Franklin because I learned that if we work together, we can make things happen.”
“I liked this lesson because we got marshmallows.”
September 27: Jen has started putting little packets of Tajin in her prize box for her kinders.
September 28: We polled the class to see how many of them inherited the ability to make Spock’s live long and prosper Vulcan hand salute. Half of the class could manage it while the other half glared at their fingers for disobeying them. When their parents picked them up, their first question was if they were able to do it.
September 29: Ms. Connie is expecting her first grandchild any day now. She told Melissa she might not be in on Monday depending on when her daughter started labor. But, due to Ms. Connie's accent, Melissa misunderstood and spent the next hour trying to figure out why her doctor's baby was so important to her.
September 30: The Winchester Mystery House was filled with people and devices meant to jump out at you and fill the 160 rooms with screams. Our practiced tour guide jumped about a foot when a woman in our group dropped the glow in the dark straw from her to go margarita.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, September 24, 2017
your favorite stock broker
September 18: I finally found my response for when people act derogatory about my job. Ask them if they remember their favorite teacher. And then ask them if they remember their favorite stock broker.
September 19: I woke up early to find Addie cuddled up in between me and Nick. She was also using George as a pillow.
September 20: Charlotte and Diana had a few too many when we got on the subject of wedding planning. Diana was just beginning to choose a date and we were commiserating about how we had to choose dates based off our school schedule. Charlotte remembered I had requested a few days off for my wedding. “How long are you going to be married for?” “Oh, just like ten days or so.”
September 21: Ms. Connie bought a doll for her students to play with because it was only four dollars. It has giant, piercing eyes set above an eerie smile. “Of course it cost four dollars,” Melissa said, placing a note not to feed it in its chubby, plastic hands. “It’s probably cursed.”
September 22: There is a theory that your birthmark is a physical representation of how you died in a past life. My birthmark is a series of small, dark dots along my upper thigh. So I apparently died of some sort of sexually transmitted disease.
September 23: We are testing sedatives on Addie for the wedding. When the pill finally kicked in, she seemed to forget how her legs worked and had to walk along walls to go in a straight line. But she did remember to check for leftovers in George's bowl at dinner time.
September 24: It’s finally starting to hit me that Nick and I are getting married. Strangely, I feel way more anxious about the wedding itself than the idea of spending the rest of our lives together.
much love,
hedgie
September 19: I woke up early to find Addie cuddled up in between me and Nick. She was also using George as a pillow.
September 20: Charlotte and Diana had a few too many when we got on the subject of wedding planning. Diana was just beginning to choose a date and we were commiserating about how we had to choose dates based off our school schedule. Charlotte remembered I had requested a few days off for my wedding. “How long are you going to be married for?” “Oh, just like ten days or so.”
September 21: Ms. Connie bought a doll for her students to play with because it was only four dollars. It has giant, piercing eyes set above an eerie smile. “Of course it cost four dollars,” Melissa said, placing a note not to feed it in its chubby, plastic hands. “It’s probably cursed.”
September 22: There is a theory that your birthmark is a physical representation of how you died in a past life. My birthmark is a series of small, dark dots along my upper thigh. So I apparently died of some sort of sexually transmitted disease.
September 23: We are testing sedatives on Addie for the wedding. When the pill finally kicked in, she seemed to forget how her legs worked and had to walk along walls to go in a straight line. But she did remember to check for leftovers in George's bowl at dinner time.
September 24: It’s finally starting to hit me that Nick and I are getting married. Strangely, I feel way more anxious about the wedding itself than the idea of spending the rest of our lives together.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, September 17, 2017
split in two
September 10: Dad leaned out the window to hand a homeless man a few dollars. The man took the money and then mumbled something about January 21, 2023. When Dad rolled the window back up, I asked what the guy said. Dad leaned back in his seat and readjusted his seat belt. “I think he just told me when I’m going to die.”
September 11: The rain glowed for a few moments in the light of the street lamp. Heavy, golden drops that vanished into the darkness after falling a few feet.
September 12: When I first showed the Girl Power class pictures of Frida Kahlo, there were the expected jokes about her unibrow and her masculine features. By the end of the lesson, one of the fifth grade girls got teary eyed when I read Kahlo’s quote about feeling strange and alone.
September 13: Jaivon's dad reeked of weed at pickup today. I just hope that he doesn’t smoke that much at home and end up hot boxing Jaivon, though, that would explain so much.
September 14: Each girl was given a piece of paper with a few lines on it and were told to decorate it. At the end of the class, we put them all together to show that we had created a giant image of Frida Kahlo. I don’t think they really understood the community building aspect of the whole project because they all wanted to take their piece home rather than pin the whole thing up on our board in the cafeteria.
September 15: I wore my hedgehog onesie for pajama prize day. Eliel spent the entire day pretending to hug me when he was really attempting to pick my phone out of my fuzzy pocket.
September 16: It always freaks me out a little when dogs yawn. Their snout is so long that for a moment, it looks like their head is going to split in two.
September 17: Nick's dad got weirdly obsessed with the exact breakdown of the wedding party guests, wanting to know whose side was going to be bigger. Leave it to him to turn our wedding into a dick measuring contest.
much love,
hedgie
September 11: The rain glowed for a few moments in the light of the street lamp. Heavy, golden drops that vanished into the darkness after falling a few feet.
September 12: When I first showed the Girl Power class pictures of Frida Kahlo, there were the expected jokes about her unibrow and her masculine features. By the end of the lesson, one of the fifth grade girls got teary eyed when I read Kahlo’s quote about feeling strange and alone.
September 13: Jaivon's dad reeked of weed at pickup today. I just hope that he doesn’t smoke that much at home and end up hot boxing Jaivon, though, that would explain so much.
September 14: Each girl was given a piece of paper with a few lines on it and were told to decorate it. At the end of the class, we put them all together to show that we had created a giant image of Frida Kahlo. I don’t think they really understood the community building aspect of the whole project because they all wanted to take their piece home rather than pin the whole thing up on our board in the cafeteria.
September 15: I wore my hedgehog onesie for pajama prize day. Eliel spent the entire day pretending to hug me when he was really attempting to pick my phone out of my fuzzy pocket.
September 16: It always freaks me out a little when dogs yawn. Their snout is so long that for a moment, it looks like their head is going to split in two.
September 17: Nick's dad got weirdly obsessed with the exact breakdown of the wedding party guests, wanting to know whose side was going to be bigger. Leave it to him to turn our wedding into a dick measuring contest.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, September 9, 2017
primarily cabbages
September 1: Yesterday, a kinder informed me that it would be 50,000 degrees today. She was accurate.
September 2: It has been so hot that neither of the dogs will jump up onto the couch. They sprawl out across the wood floor right in front of the door.
September 3: My heels of my sandals acted like tiny catapults, flipping hot sand straight up into my calves as I walked to the shoreline.
September 4: Maybel couldn’t see him, but certain old floorboards continued to creak as he circled around her in the dark. One moment, he would wander the far side of the room to her left. Then suddenly, he would be right next to her, stroking a long, bony finger against her cheek and down her neck, tracing her collar bone over her dress front.
September 5: Abel showed me his Donald Trump impression today. He mostly yelled angrily and incoherently. All I could make out was “Trump” and “hotel”.
September 6: On the yard wall, someone had scrawled ‘Fuck you Bick’ in pencil. Someone else later drew an arrow pointing at it, with a note reading ‘get ur spelling right boi’.
September 7: I picked up my wedding dress today. It is the final countdown for the wedding
September 8: I’m still a bit worried about how Ryan can get to the wedding and asked Dylan if he had any idea what could be done. He set down his glass of beer and leaned conspiratorial across the table. “Using primarily cabbages…”
September 9: So turns out we are helping Katie move today. It’s not like I was planning on using my weekend to rest or anything like that anyway.
much love,
hedgie
September 2: It has been so hot that neither of the dogs will jump up onto the couch. They sprawl out across the wood floor right in front of the door.
September 3: My heels of my sandals acted like tiny catapults, flipping hot sand straight up into my calves as I walked to the shoreline.
September 4: Maybel couldn’t see him, but certain old floorboards continued to creak as he circled around her in the dark. One moment, he would wander the far side of the room to her left. Then suddenly, he would be right next to her, stroking a long, bony finger against her cheek and down her neck, tracing her collar bone over her dress front.
September 5: Abel showed me his Donald Trump impression today. He mostly yelled angrily and incoherently. All I could make out was “Trump” and “hotel”.
September 6: On the yard wall, someone had scrawled ‘Fuck you Bick’ in pencil. Someone else later drew an arrow pointing at it, with a note reading ‘get ur spelling right boi’.
September 7: I picked up my wedding dress today. It is the final countdown for the wedding
September 8: I’m still a bit worried about how Ryan can get to the wedding and asked Dylan if he had any idea what could be done. He set down his glass of beer and leaned conspiratorial across the table. “Using primarily cabbages…”
September 9: So turns out we are helping Katie move today. It’s not like I was planning on using my weekend to rest or anything like that anyway.
much love,
hedgie
Thursday, August 31, 2017
peens and queens
August 24: Maybel’s heart beat slowly in her still, numb body like an escape artist patiently waiting for the right timing to release the locks and emerge from a water tank.
August 25: With Arianna transferred to a new school and Robert continually going home before day school ends, my class has been suspiciously quiet. They have been so unnaturally chill this week that when Melissa poked her head into my class during meditation, her initial thought was that everyone was dead.
August 26: Heidi has been planning yet another party that I am sure will overshadow the actual wedding. For my bachelorette party, we have decided to go to Hamburger Mary’s and then spend the night on The Queen Mary. The theme is: Peens and Queens.
August 27: People keep texting me to let me know they received their wedding invitation. THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF MAKING REAL INVITATIONS IF THEY WERE JUST GOING TO TEXT A REPLY?
August 28: A fourth grade boy opened our bungalow door just long enough to yell “Fuck you, bitch!”. Well, happy Monday to you too, kid.
August 29: Nick wanted me to write a few sentences in a birthday card to his dad. Why are there no tips on how to write a vague message to someone you don’t actually like?
August 30: My journal today was for my kids to write who they are thankful. Quite a few of them wrote they were thankful for me, which would have been sweet if they weren’t yelling that they hated me ten minutes later because I made meditation part of our daily schedule.
August 31: I've been waking up with a sore throat everyday for the past week. I can't tell if I'm getting sick or if my theist is out of practice in yelling.
[Update: I was sick.]
much love,
hedgie
August 25: With Arianna transferred to a new school and Robert continually going home before day school ends, my class has been suspiciously quiet. They have been so unnaturally chill this week that when Melissa poked her head into my class during meditation, her initial thought was that everyone was dead.
August 26: Heidi has been planning yet another party that I am sure will overshadow the actual wedding. For my bachelorette party, we have decided to go to Hamburger Mary’s and then spend the night on The Queen Mary. The theme is: Peens and Queens.
August 27: People keep texting me to let me know they received their wedding invitation. THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF MAKING REAL INVITATIONS IF THEY WERE JUST GOING TO TEXT A REPLY?
August 28: A fourth grade boy opened our bungalow door just long enough to yell “Fuck you, bitch!”. Well, happy Monday to you too, kid.
August 29: Nick wanted me to write a few sentences in a birthday card to his dad. Why are there no tips on how to write a vague message to someone you don’t actually like?
August 30: My journal today was for my kids to write who they are thankful. Quite a few of them wrote they were thankful for me, which would have been sweet if they weren’t yelling that they hated me ten minutes later because I made meditation part of our daily schedule.
August 31: I've been waking up with a sore throat everyday for the past week. I can't tell if I'm getting sick or if my theist is out of practice in yelling.
[Update: I was sick.]
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
dumpster diving
August 17: Jen returned from her lunch break dragging the art drying rack she pointed out yesterday that was in a pile of garbage the school was throwing out.
“You stole that?” I asked.
“I didn’t steal it,” she said, mock angrily. “I dumpster dove for it.”
August 18: After a year, I have completely filled my childcare notebook. I went into a bookstore to buy a new Moleskine and came out with one and three more books. I think I need help.
August 19: One of the items for the Duolingo Spanish scavenger hunt was to take a selfie with a wig. My team ended up awkwardly taking a picture with a luchador mask that had a few strings of yellow yarn pouring from the scalp.
August 20: Lisa walked us through three storage units so we could take notes on any of the decor we would want to borrow for our wedding. We were interrupted halfway through when Ty asked Nick to move his car because it was blocking in one of their mustangs and they were trying to was all four of them.
August 21: I was able to watch the partial solar eclipse from my living room couch with the special glasses Nick brought home from Google for me. People in different states were able to have a much more fantastical experience when the moon completely eclipsed the sun. Birds stopped singing and the stars even came out.
August 22: I started a new Spanish show about a boarding school that used to be an orphanage that closed down when five children went missing. There is a woman who escaped a mental asylum and was framed for attempted murder. There is a little girl who lost both her parents and is convinced that the surrounding forest is full of gnomes and fairies. Probably the most outlandish thing is that the people in the show have hotmail email addresses.
August 23: For community time, I lead a game of human knot. The kids didn’t quite understand how to get started and three or four always ended up not holding two hands or grabbing onto the wrist of someone who was already partnered up. Both times, we ended up with separate groups that branched out in different directions instead of one large circle.
much love,
hedgie
“You stole that?” I asked.
“I didn’t steal it,” she said, mock angrily. “I dumpster dove for it.”
August 18: After a year, I have completely filled my childcare notebook. I went into a bookstore to buy a new Moleskine and came out with one and three more books. I think I need help.
August 19: One of the items for the Duolingo Spanish scavenger hunt was to take a selfie with a wig. My team ended up awkwardly taking a picture with a luchador mask that had a few strings of yellow yarn pouring from the scalp.
August 20: Lisa walked us through three storage units so we could take notes on any of the decor we would want to borrow for our wedding. We were interrupted halfway through when Ty asked Nick to move his car because it was blocking in one of their mustangs and they were trying to was all four of them.
August 21: I was able to watch the partial solar eclipse from my living room couch with the special glasses Nick brought home from Google for me. People in different states were able to have a much more fantastical experience when the moon completely eclipsed the sun. Birds stopped singing and the stars even came out.
August 22: I started a new Spanish show about a boarding school that used to be an orphanage that closed down when five children went missing. There is a woman who escaped a mental asylum and was framed for attempted murder. There is a little girl who lost both her parents and is convinced that the surrounding forest is full of gnomes and fairies. Probably the most outlandish thing is that the people in the show have hotmail email addresses.
August 23: For community time, I lead a game of human knot. The kids didn’t quite understand how to get started and three or four always ended up not holding two hands or grabbing onto the wrist of someone who was already partnered up. Both times, we ended up with separate groups that branched out in different directions instead of one large circle.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
mindful peeing
August 8: Despite the two to-go boxes of coffee, everyone was still sluggish at 10. Natalie stood at the front of the room and looked at us all helplessly. “Guys, c’mon,” she said. “I wore ruffles today for the energy.”
August 9: The game was called crossing the river. Each group of six had to cross the room without any part of their foot touching the floor. We were given three half sheets of paper that were “life rafts” to keep us out of the water that we were not allowed to touch with our hands. We ended up going in pairs, balancing on tip toe and almost tangoing on pieces of purple construction paper.
August 10: BreakoutIQ explained that the team that was the first to solves all the clues, unlock the box and yell Mindy Anna Jone’s motto would win. Charlotte and I debated if our time was better served standing next to the finish table and yell as many common phrases we could think of and hope for the best.
August 11: The instructor handed out raisins so that we could practice mindful eating, chewing meaningfully so that we appreciated the texture and flavor. Jen leaned over to tell me she needed to go to the bathroom to do some slow, mindful peeing.
August 12: People are having a really hard time with the idea of Nick and I not changing our last names to “Lovechanan”, even with the obvious double meaning. Even at the bridal shower, Heidi had spray painted a marshmallow gun gold to create an actual love cannon that shot mini marshmallows at bells dangling in heart-shaped cutouts.
August 13: Maria got second dog. This one is a long-haired chihuahua that she named something that starts with a “C”, but I can’t remember what it is because I have already dubbed the two Donut and Cannoli.
August 14: We spent an hour of our training today learning that healthy foods are better for students than sugary treats. Such groundbreaking discoveries we are making this year.
August 15: I watched the news on Charlottesville for as long as I could stand. Then I put on Friends so that I could spend half an hour pretending I lived in a world where this wasn’t happening.
August 16: The school year has not started, but I am already having bad dreams about my kids. Last night I dreamed that they broke the toilet and they kept flushing it so that it overflowed, which is not out of character for most of them.
much love,
hedgie
August 9: The game was called crossing the river. Each group of six had to cross the room without any part of their foot touching the floor. We were given three half sheets of paper that were “life rafts” to keep us out of the water that we were not allowed to touch with our hands. We ended up going in pairs, balancing on tip toe and almost tangoing on pieces of purple construction paper.
August 10: BreakoutIQ explained that the team that was the first to solves all the clues, unlock the box and yell Mindy Anna Jone’s motto would win. Charlotte and I debated if our time was better served standing next to the finish table and yell as many common phrases we could think of and hope for the best.
August 11: The instructor handed out raisins so that we could practice mindful eating, chewing meaningfully so that we appreciated the texture and flavor. Jen leaned over to tell me she needed to go to the bathroom to do some slow, mindful peeing.
August 12: People are having a really hard time with the idea of Nick and I not changing our last names to “Lovechanan”, even with the obvious double meaning. Even at the bridal shower, Heidi had spray painted a marshmallow gun gold to create an actual love cannon that shot mini marshmallows at bells dangling in heart-shaped cutouts.
August 13: Maria got second dog. This one is a long-haired chihuahua that she named something that starts with a “C”, but I can’t remember what it is because I have already dubbed the two Donut and Cannoli.
August 14: We spent an hour of our training today learning that healthy foods are better for students than sugary treats. Such groundbreaking discoveries we are making this year.
August 15: I watched the news on Charlottesville for as long as I could stand. Then I put on Friends so that I could spend half an hour pretending I lived in a world where this wasn’t happening.
August 16: The school year has not started, but I am already having bad dreams about my kids. Last night I dreamed that they broke the toilet and they kept flushing it so that it overflowed, which is not out of character for most of them.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, August 7, 2017
are your parents at home?
August 1: I went in to Mission Graduate’s main office to fill out new hire paperwork. I’m officially on their staff!
August 2: Dad and Dylan have been helping round out my fake TV show about the Michael Jackson impersonator who solves crimes. So far, we have that he gets pulled into detecting when a tourist goes missing at the pier. He eventually teams up with a caricature artist who will go on to be their sketch artist who always draws suspects with huge eyes and roller skating along the coast.
August 3: I had my live scan appointment today so that Mission Graduates could double check that I am not a murderer. They did not force me to go to Richmond to get it done, which was nice because it took all of six minutes.
August 4: A lot of people complain about having a baby face when they are young. It seems they are only able to appreciate it when they are older and still get carded at bars. But I actually love looking younger than I am now. Every time someone comes to my door to try to sell me something, they are if my parents are home, to which I can honestly answer that they are not and close the door.
August 5: The grocery store always locked up the items that were the most likely to be stolen by homeless people, things like deodorant and liquor. But lately they have really beefed up their security game because now everything in the hygiene aisle, except for pads and tampons, are now behind locked glass.
August 6: Tomorrow, I start training for the new school year and there is going to be a lunar eclipse. Two weeks later, I start working with the kids again and there is going to be a partial solar eclipse. I feel like this year is going to be supernatural.
August 7: Heidi signed up for GISHWHES with the kids she used to babysit. Today, she used old eyeliner to draw a fake mustache on her upper lip and gripped a mini-banana in between her teeth to cross off item “Groucho Marx a piece of fruit”.
much love,
hedgie
August 2: Dad and Dylan have been helping round out my fake TV show about the Michael Jackson impersonator who solves crimes. So far, we have that he gets pulled into detecting when a tourist goes missing at the pier. He eventually teams up with a caricature artist who will go on to be their sketch artist who always draws suspects with huge eyes and roller skating along the coast.
August 3: I had my live scan appointment today so that Mission Graduates could double check that I am not a murderer. They did not force me to go to Richmond to get it done, which was nice because it took all of six minutes.
August 4: A lot of people complain about having a baby face when they are young. It seems they are only able to appreciate it when they are older and still get carded at bars. But I actually love looking younger than I am now. Every time someone comes to my door to try to sell me something, they are if my parents are home, to which I can honestly answer that they are not and close the door.
August 5: The grocery store always locked up the items that were the most likely to be stolen by homeless people, things like deodorant and liquor. But lately they have really beefed up their security game because now everything in the hygiene aisle, except for pads and tampons, are now behind locked glass.
August 6: Tomorrow, I start training for the new school year and there is going to be a lunar eclipse. Two weeks later, I start working with the kids again and there is going to be a partial solar eclipse. I feel like this year is going to be supernatural.
August 7: Heidi signed up for GISHWHES with the kids she used to babysit. Today, she used old eyeliner to draw a fake mustache on her upper lip and gripped a mini-banana in between her teeth to cross off item “Groucho Marx a piece of fruit”.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, July 31, 2017
dad almost drowned, but he saved the beer
July 24: An hour into our 8-hour drive to Portland, mom made us pull over at Sears so that she could buy a dog bed for Nora to use in the car.
July 25: Ryan took a wrong turn and led us in a two-hour long drive that ended with us getting escorted out of the woods by a ranger because we had actually ended up trespassing at a federal water reserve.
July 26: We visited Powell’s today and I now have twice as much luggage to take home as I did on the trip up here. While waiting at the cash register, dad talked about my last essay. His favorite part about my work is how I tell two stories and he doesn’t know how I am going to connect the two, but then I somehow do.
July 27: The concert was too kid-friendly for my family’s liking, so we ended up playing badminton while still sitting on our blankets and holding a beer in one hand.
July 28: We all thought dad was joking when he tipped backwards and fell into the river the once time we hit bumpy water. It turns out that the rocks popped his inner tube. Ryan watched him calmly from his tube as dad resurfaced and walked towards land. “Dad almost drowned,” he yelled to let everyone know he was alright. “But he saved the beer.”
July 29: The woman who led us around the Oregon Vortex warned us to hold onto the handrails when we entered the house. “Earlier, I had a guy who thought he could handle it and then he superman-ed straight out of that window.”
July 30: I took my family to the Ferry Building for lunch and ice cream and somehow managed to come home with three more books. I think I’m up to nine just from this week now.
July 31: I slept in until noon today. My family is exhausting.
much love,
hedgie
July 25: Ryan took a wrong turn and led us in a two-hour long drive that ended with us getting escorted out of the woods by a ranger because we had actually ended up trespassing at a federal water reserve.
July 26: We visited Powell’s today and I now have twice as much luggage to take home as I did on the trip up here. While waiting at the cash register, dad talked about my last essay. His favorite part about my work is how I tell two stories and he doesn’t know how I am going to connect the two, but then I somehow do.
July 27: The concert was too kid-friendly for my family’s liking, so we ended up playing badminton while still sitting on our blankets and holding a beer in one hand.
July 28: We all thought dad was joking when he tipped backwards and fell into the river the once time we hit bumpy water. It turns out that the rocks popped his inner tube. Ryan watched him calmly from his tube as dad resurfaced and walked towards land. “Dad almost drowned,” he yelled to let everyone know he was alright. “But he saved the beer.”
July 29: The woman who led us around the Oregon Vortex warned us to hold onto the handrails when we entered the house. “Earlier, I had a guy who thought he could handle it and then he superman-ed straight out of that window.”
July 30: I took my family to the Ferry Building for lunch and ice cream and somehow managed to come home with three more books. I think I’m up to nine just from this week now.
July 31: I slept in until noon today. My family is exhausting.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, July 23, 2017
yolo and tears
July 15: After the screening to Beauty and the Beast in Union Square, Nick and I met up with Angi, Matt, and Jeremy. We wound up at a 24-hour diner that served mediocre malted shakes and floats. We spent most of that night trying to figure out what exactly malt is.
July 16: I remember the first time I heard my mother cuss. I was sitting on the stairs and she walked through the hallway, carrying two arm’s worth of binders and paperwork. She dropped them and yelled shit as she stared at the mess. Her eyes moved upward, and she saw me sitting nearby.
“Shoot,” she said. “I mean shoot.”
I looked at her for a moment and tried my best to reassure her. “Mom, I’m 23 now. It’s okay.”
July 17: The highlight of my day was when I heard a toddler yell “YOLO!” and then immediately burst into tears.
July 18: Ryan texted me, asking for help to invent names for a fake roller derby team for a short he was working on. Little did he know how prepared I was for this conversation.
1 Charlotte Brawn-te
2 Zelda Fists-gerald
3 Dorothy Puncher
4 Sylvia Wrath
5 Hurting-ya' Woolf
6 J.K. Brawling
7 Pain Austen
8 Ayn Ram
9 Scary Shelly
10 Edith Gore-ton
11 Harriet Bruiser Stowe
12 Toni Where-ya-goin'-son
13 Harmer Lee
14 Louisa May Blood-clot
15 Maya Hit-down-low
16 Malice Walker
17 ZZ Pack-a-punch
18 Em-melee Dickinson
19 Agatha Crush-die
20 Flannery O'Cutter
Team: The Pulverize Prize Winners
July 19: The lawns at Dolores Park are being aerated. Addie spent our entire visit eating clumps of dirt and grass.
July 20: The angry bus drivers were making George nervous with their eternal honking and clattering down the road. He seems convinced that that farther up onto my chest he climbs, the better I can protect him from danger.
July 21: Two cops stood over a guy sitting on the curb with his hands behind his back. To one side of them was a bike locked to a bike rack. A pair of bright blue cable cutters dangled from the bike’s cable. A third cop was taking notes while talking to a Michael Jackson impersonator.
July 22: I am obsessed with other people’s obsessions. I love to see what people do in their spare time, especially when it is unexpected or strangely specific. The more money, time, and effort they put into these hobbies or events, the more I am interested in what draws them to it. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wetsuits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? These questions always make me wonder what I am missing and remind me that there is still magic in the world.
July 23: The tour guide had just finished the demonstration of the machinery that slams shut the heavy jail cell bar doors when the power went out. It was almost exactly nine o’clock, so we thought it was on purpose until a guard glanced around, pulled a flashlight off his belt and muttered, “That’s not supposed to happen.”
much love,
hedgie
July 16: I remember the first time I heard my mother cuss. I was sitting on the stairs and she walked through the hallway, carrying two arm’s worth of binders and paperwork. She dropped them and yelled shit as she stared at the mess. Her eyes moved upward, and she saw me sitting nearby.
“Shoot,” she said. “I mean shoot.”
I looked at her for a moment and tried my best to reassure her. “Mom, I’m 23 now. It’s okay.”
July 17: The highlight of my day was when I heard a toddler yell “YOLO!” and then immediately burst into tears.
July 18: Ryan texted me, asking for help to invent names for a fake roller derby team for a short he was working on. Little did he know how prepared I was for this conversation.
1 Charlotte Brawn-te
2 Zelda Fists-gerald
3 Dorothy Puncher
4 Sylvia Wrath
5 Hurting-ya' Woolf
6 J.K. Brawling
7 Pain Austen
8 Ayn Ram
9 Scary Shelly
10 Edith Gore-ton
11 Harriet Bruiser Stowe
12 Toni Where-ya-goin'-son
13 Harmer Lee
14 Louisa May Blood-clot
15 Maya Hit-down-low
16 Malice Walker
17 ZZ Pack-a-punch
18 Em-melee Dickinson
19 Agatha Crush-die
20 Flannery O'Cutter
Team: The Pulverize Prize Winners
July 19: The lawns at Dolores Park are being aerated. Addie spent our entire visit eating clumps of dirt and grass.
July 20: The angry bus drivers were making George nervous with their eternal honking and clattering down the road. He seems convinced that that farther up onto my chest he climbs, the better I can protect him from danger.
July 21: Two cops stood over a guy sitting on the curb with his hands behind his back. To one side of them was a bike locked to a bike rack. A pair of bright blue cable cutters dangled from the bike’s cable. A third cop was taking notes while talking to a Michael Jackson impersonator.
July 22: I am obsessed with other people’s obsessions. I love to see what people do in their spare time, especially when it is unexpected or strangely specific. The more money, time, and effort they put into these hobbies or events, the more I am interested in what draws them to it. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wetsuits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? These questions always make me wonder what I am missing and remind me that there is still magic in the world.
July 23: The tour guide had just finished the demonstration of the machinery that slams shut the heavy jail cell bar doors when the power went out. It was almost exactly nine o’clock, so we thought it was on purpose until a guard glanced around, pulled a flashlight off his belt and muttered, “That’s not supposed to happen.”
much love,
hedgie
Friday, July 14, 2017
45% alcohol
July 8: At the Cheeseburger Cat Cabaret, there was a robot comedian. He was wheeled onstage and he had an iPad for a face with two tall grey rectangles for eyes and a larger grey rectangle for a mouth that fluctuated in size while he was talking. “How many kidnapped children does it take to screw in a light bulb?” he asked. He had long, wooden fingers that quivered as he moved from side to side. “Apparently more than three because my basement is still dark.
July 9: Two books and three months later, I am finally done with a full rough draft of my essay about the golden fire hydrant ceremony!
July 10: All the students who read every day during the summer program selected which teacher they wanted to throw a pie at in the last week. Sixteen students chose me.
July 11: At The California Academy of Sciences, Joanna and Angie found a machine that would record your voice and play it back to you the way it would sound if we were deep sea diving. It made our voices so shrill that it hurt my ears. We sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks on helium.
July 12: As always, George has become more popular than me. My co-workers say good morning to him before talking to me. Xavier even made a friendship bracelet for George out of orange pipe cleaners and wrapped it gently around his front right paw.
July 13: My day began with a homeless man trying to pee on me as I was walking to work. It ended with all the teachers taking over the two bounce houses after all the students were picked up. I guess it all balances out.
July 14: Nick found a bottle of 8-year old bourbon whiskey called Buck. I sent a picture to Dad, who, amazed by the coincidence, immediately texted back that he also used to BE eight years old. I then pointed out that they were both also 45% alcohol.
much love,
hedgie
July 9: Two books and three months later, I am finally done with a full rough draft of my essay about the golden fire hydrant ceremony!
July 10: All the students who read every day during the summer program selected which teacher they wanted to throw a pie at in the last week. Sixteen students chose me.
July 11: At The California Academy of Sciences, Joanna and Angie found a machine that would record your voice and play it back to you the way it would sound if we were deep sea diving. It made our voices so shrill that it hurt my ears. We sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks on helium.
July 12: As always, George has become more popular than me. My co-workers say good morning to him before talking to me. Xavier even made a friendship bracelet for George out of orange pipe cleaners and wrapped it gently around his front right paw.
July 13: My day began with a homeless man trying to pee on me as I was walking to work. It ended with all the teachers taking over the two bounce houses after all the students were picked up. I guess it all balances out.
July 14: Nick found a bottle of 8-year old bourbon whiskey called Buck. I sent a picture to Dad, who, amazed by the coincidence, immediately texted back that he also used to BE eight years old. I then pointed out that they were both also 45% alcohol.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, July 7, 2017
the monkey without a shadow
July 1: After the AmeriCorps closing ceremony, Nick and I went to the Diving Dog with Kassy, Rachael and their girlfriends. We were out late, drinking mango beer and it quickly devolved into six full-grown adults spending half an hour talking about farts.
July 2: Nick is giving Addie a bath. Every time she shakes the water off of her, I can hear Nick let out a heavy sigh and then say, “thanks”.
July 3: Duolingo had me practice “El mono sin sombra”. I now have no other choice but to write a noir novel and title it “The Monkey Without a Shadow”.
July 4: People have been setting off fireworks all week and in broad daylight, so the dogs have been on edge. We spent our Fourth of July inside to try to calm them. We had a Sharknado marathon and turned the volume on full blast in hopes it would drown out the explosions outside.
July 5: Edwin won a pair of plastic, green vampire teeth in the raffle drawing today. He spent all of snack yelling “breakdancing vampire” and trying his best to do windmills in the school cafeteria.
July 6: I taught my marine biology lesson about bioluminescence today. Pretty quickly after I broke out the highlighters and the black light, my students were growing neon-colored mustaches and glowing six pack abs.
July 7: I spent all day pretending to be impressed by every single jump, spin, and paddle my kids did at the lake. They wanted me to see every move they made and shouted my name over and over so that I would watch them. And I am realizing how my family spent my entire childhood just humoring me.
much love,
hedgie
July 2: Nick is giving Addie a bath. Every time she shakes the water off of her, I can hear Nick let out a heavy sigh and then say, “thanks”.
July 3: Duolingo had me practice “El mono sin sombra”. I now have no other choice but to write a noir novel and title it “The Monkey Without a Shadow”.
July 4: People have been setting off fireworks all week and in broad daylight, so the dogs have been on edge. We spent our Fourth of July inside to try to calm them. We had a Sharknado marathon and turned the volume on full blast in hopes it would drown out the explosions outside.
July 5: Edwin won a pair of plastic, green vampire teeth in the raffle drawing today. He spent all of snack yelling “breakdancing vampire” and trying his best to do windmills in the school cafeteria.
July 6: I taught my marine biology lesson about bioluminescence today. Pretty quickly after I broke out the highlighters and the black light, my students were growing neon-colored mustaches and glowing six pack abs.
July 7: I spent all day pretending to be impressed by every single jump, spin, and paddle my kids did at the lake. They wanted me to see every move they made and shouted my name over and over so that I would watch them. And I am realizing how my family spent my entire childhood just humoring me.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, June 30, 2017
tornado of rainbow confetti and condom wrappers
June 24: Those that grew up with them have become calloused to them in a way that we laugh at high budget disaster films that depict The Rock cresting a tsunami wave set in motion by a literally groundbreaking 9.6 earthquake in a rigid-hulled inflatable boat. I’ve lost count of how many movies and TV shows have destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge by earthquakes, a space drill, and a giant mutant octopus. Each one depicts a scene more ridiculous than the last. There are website articles and YouTube video collages that are dedicated to listing every movie that has caused some form of destruction to the bridge and even arrange a top five list. The comments sections are full of people suggesting other films to add to the list and saying how hilarious this all is.
We forget how devastating earthquakes can really be.
June 25: We stopped by a man selling boba milk tea with a sign that read “Let’s suck balls”. His table was located in a corner that caught and twisted the breeze, forming a tornado of rainbow confetti and condom wrappers. The giddy girls behind us in line very loudly bought edibles from the guy who was behind them in line.
June 26: The teacher’s lounge is still being cleaned, so we are forced to take our lunch at the two tables just barely crammed into the hallway behind Mr. Carlson’s class. Every time a class is lead down the hall to the cafeteria, they pass by us, usually staring and trying to figure out what we are eating. It is especially awkward because we spend most of our lunch complaining about the exact kids walking by.
June 27: The dosen who took us on a short walk through the Fragrance Garden pointed out that even if we had trouble telling which plants were mint by the smell, we could also identify them by their square stem. We all rolled stems between our fingers and I could feel the corners. Joanna looked confused. “That’s not a square. That’s a diamond.”
June 28: Xavier and Scarlett went around the yard and collected all of the flowers that had fallen to the ground from the Tecoma tree branches that curved over the fence between us and the home next door. They flipped the bell-shaped flowers around and slipped them like rings onto their fingers. They ended up with long, accusatorially pointing fingers that looked pink and yellow from third degree burns. Their hands looked like sentenced witches from Salem coming back to seek their revenge.
June 29: As we were lead through the Walt Disney Family Museum, our guide would point out people who were important in Walt Disney’s life. She introduced us to Alice, the little girl from the animation adventures. We learned about some of the animators. A few kids even learned for the first time that Walt Disney was actually a person. Each a new person was mentioned, the first question the kids had was whether or not that person was still alive.
June 30: The kids got creative when I taught them about the Land’s End labyrinth and we went out to the West Yard to draw our own in chalk. Francisco and Scarlett worked together to make a maze inside a maze. Joanna made a maze of herself after getting Cindy to trace her while she lay dormant on the ground. Stephen had way too much fun adding fire pits you had to jump over in order to reach the end.
much love,
hedgie
We forget how devastating earthquakes can really be.
June 25: We stopped by a man selling boba milk tea with a sign that read “Let’s suck balls”. His table was located in a corner that caught and twisted the breeze, forming a tornado of rainbow confetti and condom wrappers. The giddy girls behind us in line very loudly bought edibles from the guy who was behind them in line.
June 26: The teacher’s lounge is still being cleaned, so we are forced to take our lunch at the two tables just barely crammed into the hallway behind Mr. Carlson’s class. Every time a class is lead down the hall to the cafeteria, they pass by us, usually staring and trying to figure out what we are eating. It is especially awkward because we spend most of our lunch complaining about the exact kids walking by.
June 27: The dosen who took us on a short walk through the Fragrance Garden pointed out that even if we had trouble telling which plants were mint by the smell, we could also identify them by their square stem. We all rolled stems between our fingers and I could feel the corners. Joanna looked confused. “That’s not a square. That’s a diamond.”
June 28: Xavier and Scarlett went around the yard and collected all of the flowers that had fallen to the ground from the Tecoma tree branches that curved over the fence between us and the home next door. They flipped the bell-shaped flowers around and slipped them like rings onto their fingers. They ended up with long, accusatorially pointing fingers that looked pink and yellow from third degree burns. Their hands looked like sentenced witches from Salem coming back to seek their revenge.
June 29: As we were lead through the Walt Disney Family Museum, our guide would point out people who were important in Walt Disney’s life. She introduced us to Alice, the little girl from the animation adventures. We learned about some of the animators. A few kids even learned for the first time that Walt Disney was actually a person. Each a new person was mentioned, the first question the kids had was whether or not that person was still alive.
June 30: The kids got creative when I taught them about the Land’s End labyrinth and we went out to the West Yard to draw our own in chalk. Francisco and Scarlett worked together to make a maze inside a maze. Joanna made a maze of herself after getting Cindy to trace her while she lay dormant on the ground. Stephen had way too much fun adding fire pits you had to jump over in order to reach the end.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, June 23, 2017
paranoid and itchy
June 17: Elaine continues to skip around in her story about her uncle who faked his death without any background information. She glossed over such details about how a body was never found, just blood on a dock. That it might have been tailored to frame his then best friend. And that the DNA test had linked them to a girl who had been adopted as a baby and they now suspect was her uncle’s love child.
June 18: There’s another lice outbreak at the school. Every time we talk about it in the teacher lounge, we all suddenly get paranoid and itchy.
June 19: Nick always encouraged Addie to howl with the sirens that pass by our apartment. Now that we live in the city, they drive by more frequently. Addie always perks up when she hears the first inkling blocks away. Then she waits for one of us to howl first before she joins in.
June 20: Ana scored crates of free popcorn at the food bank. Unfortunately, they turned out to be child snack-sized. Every snack, it takes two microwaves and at least three hours to make enough to feed every student.
June 21: Jackson wanted to know how much longer it would take for our bus to arrive. I told him we wouldn’t have to wait much longer, it was only three minutes away. Jackson’s jaw dropped and he held his hands out about two feet apart as if he were showing off the size of a fish he caught over the weekend. “But a minute is like this long!” he shouted.
June 22: The lights constantly changed colors, making it even harder to pick our way through the mirror maze. The place makes everyone wear flimsy plastic gloves so that they don’t leave prints on the mirrors as they navigate their way to the exit. My girls managed to escape in about three minutes. Mr. Derek’s group abandoned him inside.
June 23: Today, Angelina informed me that her scooter can talk to her. They mostly have conversations about her scooter’s crush on George Washington.
much love,
hedgie
June 18: There’s another lice outbreak at the school. Every time we talk about it in the teacher lounge, we all suddenly get paranoid and itchy.
June 19: Nick always encouraged Addie to howl with the sirens that pass by our apartment. Now that we live in the city, they drive by more frequently. Addie always perks up when she hears the first inkling blocks away. Then she waits for one of us to howl first before she joins in.
June 20: Ana scored crates of free popcorn at the food bank. Unfortunately, they turned out to be child snack-sized. Every snack, it takes two microwaves and at least three hours to make enough to feed every student.
June 21: Jackson wanted to know how much longer it would take for our bus to arrive. I told him we wouldn’t have to wait much longer, it was only three minutes away. Jackson’s jaw dropped and he held his hands out about two feet apart as if he were showing off the size of a fish he caught over the weekend. “But a minute is like this long!” he shouted.
June 22: The lights constantly changed colors, making it even harder to pick our way through the mirror maze. The place makes everyone wear flimsy plastic gloves so that they don’t leave prints on the mirrors as they navigate their way to the exit. My girls managed to escape in about three minutes. Mr. Derek’s group abandoned him inside.
June 23: Today, Angelina informed me that her scooter can talk to her. They mostly have conversations about her scooter’s crush on George Washington.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, June 16, 2017
what the hula hooping hippos
June 10: I think I have been listening to Hamilton too much. Today, Nick and I drove past Alexander Avenue and my brain immediately began singing “Alexander Avenue. My name is Alexander Avenue, and there’s a million things I have to do. Just you wait, just you wait”.
June 11: The hills lumped around the freeway are back to being dried out and golden. It finally looks like California again.
June 12: Melissa came up with the idea of a reading contest where students can earn a fake piece of pie every time they read for 20-minutes straight during reading time. For every 10 slices they earn, they win a pie that they get to throw into a teacher’s face at the end of summer. My students are suddenly very literary.
June 13: My new Pin Up Girl clothes arrived and I love the way they make me feel. There are pants that make me feel like Rita Hayworth and a shirt that reminded me of Audrey Hepburn. Today, I wore the pants that made me think of Katharine Hepburn and my kids spent all day asking me why I was wearing pajama pants.
June 14: Juan’s reaction to anything that delights, confuses, or frustrates him is to yell “what the hell?” at the top of his lungs. I can hear him when he is out in the yard at recess and I am in my classroom setting up for the next lesson. Two students and I have been trying to come up with cleaner substitutes for him to yell. So far, the winner is ‘what the hula hooping hippos’.
June 15: “I have Boading Balls!”
“Whose balls?”
June 16: Of all the experiments and exhibits at the Exploratorium, Francisco’s favorite part was the water fountain shaped like a toilet. I almost could not tear him away from his “one last sip” so that we could make it to the bus on time.
much love,
hedgie
June 11: The hills lumped around the freeway are back to being dried out and golden. It finally looks like California again.
June 12: Melissa came up with the idea of a reading contest where students can earn a fake piece of pie every time they read for 20-minutes straight during reading time. For every 10 slices they earn, they win a pie that they get to throw into a teacher’s face at the end of summer. My students are suddenly very literary.
June 13: My new Pin Up Girl clothes arrived and I love the way they make me feel. There are pants that make me feel like Rita Hayworth and a shirt that reminded me of Audrey Hepburn. Today, I wore the pants that made me think of Katharine Hepburn and my kids spent all day asking me why I was wearing pajama pants.
June 14: Juan’s reaction to anything that delights, confuses, or frustrates him is to yell “what the hell?” at the top of his lungs. I can hear him when he is out in the yard at recess and I am in my classroom setting up for the next lesson. Two students and I have been trying to come up with cleaner substitutes for him to yell. So far, the winner is ‘what the hula hooping hippos’.
June 15: “I have Boading Balls!”
“Whose balls?”
June 16: Of all the experiments and exhibits at the Exploratorium, Francisco’s favorite part was the water fountain shaped like a toilet. I almost could not tear him away from his “one last sip” so that we could make it to the bus on time.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, June 9, 2017
bringing jello shots to bingo
June 1: It is such a relief to have my own classroom again. I can finally put things up on the walls and rearrange furniture. I don’t have to carry heavy crates of my supplies up and down the stairs everyday. I don’t have to worry about a teacher getting upset with me and emailing me multiple times because first graders have trouble figuring out what goes into recycling and what doesn’t.
June 2: Five minutes into play centers, I look over and Francisco had rolled up to giant red balls of play dough and was going around the room, holding them up to his chest and pretending he had boobs.
June 3: Addie was sprawled out across the bed and was using Nick’s butt as a pillow. She started wagging her tail as I entered the room. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and opened the camera to take a photo. As soon as she saw what I was doing, Addie immediately stopped wagging her tail and lay very still. When I lowered my phone, she began wagging her tail again. That dog definitely knows how to pose for photos.
June 4: Ryan and Dylan vote to wear dresses to my wedding. Ryan has been planning on that for months, ready to spend the entire day drinking and loudly wailing that he is always the bridesmaid and never the bride.
June 5: Sometimes it’s hard to tell what age Jen is. It’s like she flips from 17 and 80, nothing in between . When I asked her how her weekend was, she gave me a long and convoluted story about bringing Jell-o shots to Bingo.
June 6: Stephen was so taken by George, that every drawing he made that day was inspired by him. He gave me my favorite one, which depicted George as a person who was pretending to be George Washington. He named him George Washington George Person.
June 7: To my left, Mauricio and Wilfred were pretending to be babies, talking to each other in a series of “goo’s” and “gah’s” that only they seemed to understand. Angie tapped my arm from across the aisle and asked me if I believed that God would send people who had never heard of Jesus to hell. I told her that it really depended on what she really thought god was like. My school bus philosopher thought about it for a moment before deciding that what mattered most was being a good person.
June 8: Michael is pretty sure that his house is haunted. He told me that last year, he found what looked like blood all over the floors, but then he tasted it and realized it was red paint.
“Why would you eat it if you thought it was blood?”
“It wasn’t blood.”
“But you thought it was. Why would you eat blood?”
“I already told you it was paint!”
June 9: I’m always amazed by how folklore and urban legends adapt to modern times. Today, I was frantically informed by at least five kids that if you spun three fidget spinners at exactly three in the morning, Bloody Mary would call you on your cell phone and tell you that she would come for you in three days.
much love,
hedgie
June 2: Five minutes into play centers, I look over and Francisco had rolled up to giant red balls of play dough and was going around the room, holding them up to his chest and pretending he had boobs.
June 3: Addie was sprawled out across the bed and was using Nick’s butt as a pillow. She started wagging her tail as I entered the room. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and opened the camera to take a photo. As soon as she saw what I was doing, Addie immediately stopped wagging her tail and lay very still. When I lowered my phone, she began wagging her tail again. That dog definitely knows how to pose for photos.
June 4: Ryan and Dylan vote to wear dresses to my wedding. Ryan has been planning on that for months, ready to spend the entire day drinking and loudly wailing that he is always the bridesmaid and never the bride.
June 5: Sometimes it’s hard to tell what age Jen is. It’s like she flips from 17 and 80, nothing in between . When I asked her how her weekend was, she gave me a long and convoluted story about bringing Jell-o shots to Bingo.
June 6: Stephen was so taken by George, that every drawing he made that day was inspired by him. He gave me my favorite one, which depicted George as a person who was pretending to be George Washington. He named him George Washington George Person.
June 7: To my left, Mauricio and Wilfred were pretending to be babies, talking to each other in a series of “goo’s” and “gah’s” that only they seemed to understand. Angie tapped my arm from across the aisle and asked me if I believed that God would send people who had never heard of Jesus to hell. I told her that it really depended on what she really thought god was like. My school bus philosopher thought about it for a moment before deciding that what mattered most was being a good person.
June 8: Michael is pretty sure that his house is haunted. He told me that last year, he found what looked like blood all over the floors, but then he tasted it and realized it was red paint.
“Why would you eat it if you thought it was blood?”
“It wasn’t blood.”
“But you thought it was. Why would you eat blood?”
“I already told you it was paint!”
June 9: I’m always amazed by how folklore and urban legends adapt to modern times. Today, I was frantically informed by at least five kids that if you spun three fidget spinners at exactly three in the morning, Bloody Mary would call you on your cell phone and tell you that she would come for you in three days.
much love,
hedgie
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