September 24: It was so hot that no classroom turned on their lights today so they wouldn’t add any extra degrees. At recess, I had the spray bottle and they surrounded me. I felt like I was fending off a hoard of zombies with nothing but a sawed off shotgun. It got a little easier when I told them they had to compliment me in order to get sprayed. “You’re pretty!” Nancy yelled. “You’re the best teacher in the school!” Allisson added. “I know where you live!” L’madja yelled.
September 25: It was hotter than yesterday and Ana turned the hose on the children. They loved it, and when they were soaked, they surrounded me and group hugged me until I was just as drenched as they were. The more I shouted at how slimy they all felt, the tighter they hugged me.
September 26: Allisson came to visit me in the bungalow during snack again. She brought in some artwork to show to me. She drew Trump’s wall, a mass of bricks with curled barbed wire stretched across the top. Above it all, she drew a dozen of butterflied flying free, so high that the sharp edges couldn’t touch them.
September 27: Jai’von has been drawing portraits of people in his class. When we were waiting for his mom, he showed me his illustrations of Luna, Umali, and Milo. I jokingly asked him when he was goin to draw me. He answered that he hadn’t done that yet because he doesn’t know how to draw pimples.
September 28: Every time I think about the holiday season coming up, I fill with dread knowing that it means I will need to interact with his family. That’s how bad this situation has gotten. I’m literally scared of holidays.
September 29: I’m only a few months into 30 and I’m already having back problems. I think I have a pinched nerve. It feels fine when I’m not doing much, but if I turn, a wave of pain shoots through my entire spine. It woke me up multiple times last night and has succeeded in convincing me that I might actually have a spinal injury and that in the morning, I might wake up and find my body paralyzed from the neck down.
September 30: Edwin dropped our program and I have another new student. Her name is Cynthia and she moved here this week. Her teacher assured me she will be a great addition to my program, which I’m sure she is, but I’m having trouble keeping up with how much my class roster keeps changing.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, September 30, 2019
Monday, September 23, 2019
a toilet that poops butts
September 17: When Kiara is my last kid, we play a game while waiting for her mom to show up. All she has to do is not laugh. She hasn’t been able to go over ten seconds without erupting into giggles. I don’t even have to do anything, she just can’t contain her laughter. I suspect she even giggles in her sleep.
September 18: We are entirely out of bouncy balls except for the one that is roughly the same size as a kinder student. We started out the school year with one for each class. But each week, one kid gets angry during recess and purposefully kicks it over the fence to get back at the people annoying them. It isn’t until the next recess the day after that they realize that means they have nothing to play with now either.
September 19: My kids are obsessed with the weirdest things about people. They don’t care to know what I do when I go home or what I majored in when I was in college. But they do insist on knowing what tea I have in my thermos every day.
September 20: Turns out my fourth graders will gladly sit down to do their homework if there is a timer set for ten minutes and they try to challenge themselves to finish before the alarm goes off. Not sure why they seem to think it’s fun, but they are weirdly their best behaved when I’m forcing them to do their math sheets.
September 21: Nick told our Google Home to play fall music. It found a playlist made on YouTube. Half an hour in, it played a song about how effortlessly beautiful a woman was. It described the stars in her eyes and the thrill of touching her. It started making me cry, knowing that songs like that are never written about girls like me.
September 22: I don’t know if it’s because of the personal therapy and getting confirmation that I am not crazy, but I can feel all my sadness making a transition into anger. Anger that people thought it was okay to treat me this way for so long and anger that I had accepted it too.
September 23: To introduce the “Our Stories: Circles of Me” unit, I had them play Three-headed story teller. It’s a game where groups of people have to work together to tell a story. Each person can only say one and they take turns as if they were a three-headed monster in a King Arthur story. Their story ended up going: A poop cat named Turdface Butt lived in a doghouse with a toilet that pooped butts. I’m not sure what else I expected.
much love,
hedgie
September 18: We are entirely out of bouncy balls except for the one that is roughly the same size as a kinder student. We started out the school year with one for each class. But each week, one kid gets angry during recess and purposefully kicks it over the fence to get back at the people annoying them. It isn’t until the next recess the day after that they realize that means they have nothing to play with now either.
September 19: My kids are obsessed with the weirdest things about people. They don’t care to know what I do when I go home or what I majored in when I was in college. But they do insist on knowing what tea I have in my thermos every day.
September 20: Turns out my fourth graders will gladly sit down to do their homework if there is a timer set for ten minutes and they try to challenge themselves to finish before the alarm goes off. Not sure why they seem to think it’s fun, but they are weirdly their best behaved when I’m forcing them to do their math sheets.
September 21: Nick told our Google Home to play fall music. It found a playlist made on YouTube. Half an hour in, it played a song about how effortlessly beautiful a woman was. It described the stars in her eyes and the thrill of touching her. It started making me cry, knowing that songs like that are never written about girls like me.
September 22: I don’t know if it’s because of the personal therapy and getting confirmation that I am not crazy, but I can feel all my sadness making a transition into anger. Anger that people thought it was okay to treat me this way for so long and anger that I had accepted it too.
September 23: To introduce the “Our Stories: Circles of Me” unit, I had them play Three-headed story teller. It’s a game where groups of people have to work together to tell a story. Each person can only say one and they take turns as if they were a three-headed monster in a King Arthur story. Their story ended up going: A poop cat named Turdface Butt lived in a doghouse with a toilet that pooped butts. I’m not sure what else I expected.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, September 16, 2019
too much power
September 9: Mr. Diego has been sent around the different classrooms to watch how all of us teach and keep order in our rooms. My kids scare him the most so far. Apparently, without any prompting, Luna turned to him and told him that ruining lives was kid of her thing.
September 10: At the end of recess, our students separated to go to their electives. All the girls in my Girl Power swarmed towards me, screaming. Vivi thought it was hilarious that I was momentarily worried about my safety. She told me next time to hold up my hands and yell, “Too much power! Too much power!”
September 11: My kids begged me to show them videos of the 9/11 Twin Tower attacks. I told them I didn’t really feel comfortable doing that because watching that kind of thing is very different for the people who lived through that time. I didn’t want to relive how I watched footage of the towers falling when I was pouring a bowl of cereal for breakfast, how so many of my friends were kept home from school that day, how none of my teachers seemed to know what to do and we spent most of the class periods that day watching the news on the TVs that hung in the corner of the room. Miss Connie told us how she was actually talking on the phone with a friend in New York when it happened. The line suddenly went dead and then she turned to a TV and saw what was happening. Miss Jen was at her house when a friend came running in, screaming “We’re under attack! We’re under attack!” My kids seemed disappointed by my response, but by the time it was snack, they had forgotten they wanted to see it at all.
September 12: Today, I was upstaged by a worm. Ms. Mesa needed the classroom during electives, so I had to teach Girl Power in Precita Park. The lesson was quickly ignored when we sat in the grass and a girl found a worm in a patch of dirt. They all swarmed around it and ignored me. It got to the point where I picked it up and moved it to a new dirt patch, which made them all scream with disgust that I was touching it. For the rest of the lesson, when they thought I wasn’t looking, pairs of them would try to sneak off to the new dirt patch to get another peek at it.
September 13: Orlando was not invited to be a Jr. Coach again this year, but a lot of kids in his class were. He’s been talking about it all week, wondering why this was happening to him. I felt bad and invented a new job for him during program. He will help Mr. Diego get the play equipment before recess starts, help distribute them, and be in charge of collecting it all and putting it back in the shed. When I asked him if this was something he would be interested in, he got so excited. He gave me the biggest smile and hugged me. I need to hold onto the smile for awhile because I have a feeling before the end of the week I am going to want to throw his phone out the window while he watches.
September 14:
September 16: I put “Heads Up” as one of my play centers when homework is done. There’s about a hundred cards for them to choose from and act out, but they choose the same dozen nouns over and over again. One of them is the song “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. They sang it so much that they asked me to play the music video for them. While watching it, I remembered all the stupid drama about it that happened between Kanye West and Taylor Swift during the MTV Music Video Awards. One of my kids noticed the post date of this video was in 2008. “Wow,” she said. “That’s the year I was born.” I have never felt older.
much love,
hedgie
September 10: At the end of recess, our students separated to go to their electives. All the girls in my Girl Power swarmed towards me, screaming. Vivi thought it was hilarious that I was momentarily worried about my safety. She told me next time to hold up my hands and yell, “Too much power! Too much power!”
September 11: My kids begged me to show them videos of the 9/11 Twin Tower attacks. I told them I didn’t really feel comfortable doing that because watching that kind of thing is very different for the people who lived through that time. I didn’t want to relive how I watched footage of the towers falling when I was pouring a bowl of cereal for breakfast, how so many of my friends were kept home from school that day, how none of my teachers seemed to know what to do and we spent most of the class periods that day watching the news on the TVs that hung in the corner of the room. Miss Connie told us how she was actually talking on the phone with a friend in New York when it happened. The line suddenly went dead and then she turned to a TV and saw what was happening. Miss Jen was at her house when a friend came running in, screaming “We’re under attack! We’re under attack!” My kids seemed disappointed by my response, but by the time it was snack, they had forgotten they wanted to see it at all.
September 12: Today, I was upstaged by a worm. Ms. Mesa needed the classroom during electives, so I had to teach Girl Power in Precita Park. The lesson was quickly ignored when we sat in the grass and a girl found a worm in a patch of dirt. They all swarmed around it and ignored me. It got to the point where I picked it up and moved it to a new dirt patch, which made them all scream with disgust that I was touching it. For the rest of the lesson, when they thought I wasn’t looking, pairs of them would try to sneak off to the new dirt patch to get another peek at it.
September 13: Orlando was not invited to be a Jr. Coach again this year, but a lot of kids in his class were. He’s been talking about it all week, wondering why this was happening to him. I felt bad and invented a new job for him during program. He will help Mr. Diego get the play equipment before recess starts, help distribute them, and be in charge of collecting it all and putting it back in the shed. When I asked him if this was something he would be interested in, he got so excited. He gave me the biggest smile and hugged me. I need to hold onto the smile for awhile because I have a feeling before the end of the week I am going to want to throw his phone out the window while he watches.
September 14:
Thinking back on my characters in Panning for Pyrite, they all seemed trapped between two worlds, not sure where they fit in. Olivia is caught in between countries, too dark to pass for American and too disconnected from her roots to be Filipino. Miles is caught in between where he is and where he wants to be, full of dreams of travel and love, but stuck in a dead-end job and taking care of his estranged father. Irving is caught between this world and the next, feeling guilty for surviving when others didn’t and feeling like he didn’t deserve this extra opportunity.
Songs: Olivia“Wish I could Forget” and “Not Dead Yet” by The Weepies
Miles, “In the Meantime” by The Ditty Bops
Irving, “Roscoe” by Midlake
September 15: It’s impossible to ignore when this much time has passed. How could it be possible for this number of people to dislike me for over a decade if there wasn’t something deeply unlovable about me? It feels like I am begging them to treat me with basic human kindness and they find that too much to ask for. I get all the pressure to do all the work to make things better. Then when I can’t fix a two-way relationship on my own, I get all the blame. I am automatically set up for failure and there is nothing I can do about it.Miles, “In the Meantime” by The Ditty Bops
Irving, “Roscoe” by Midlake
September 16: I put “Heads Up” as one of my play centers when homework is done. There’s about a hundred cards for them to choose from and act out, but they choose the same dozen nouns over and over again. One of them is the song “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. They sang it so much that they asked me to play the music video for them. While watching it, I remembered all the stupid drama about it that happened between Kanye West and Taylor Swift during the MTV Music Video Awards. One of my kids noticed the post date of this video was in 2008. “Wow,” she said. “That’s the year I was born.” I have never felt older.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, September 8, 2019
there's literally nothing i can do about it
September 1: The couple in the apartment next door brought their newborn baby home from the hospital today. We saw the husband while we were walking Addie and he wondered if we had been hearing the baby through the walls. He seemed surprised that we hadn’t noticed anything different. “Well, let me know if it ever gets too loud for you guys,” he told us. “But there’s literally nothing I can do about it.”
September 2: George and I walked ahead of Nick and Addie. Nick told me later that while that happened, Addie was watching us the whole time. He said that a woman passed by us and she gave a soft growl. Because I have been in San Francisco so long, it took a few more seconds of conversation for me to realize that Nick meant that Addie had growled, not the woman who passed me.
September 3: Before he walked home, David made a point of coming into my classroom to hug me goodbye. I miss him in my class so much.
September 4: It was a dramatic time during day school. One of the teachers got ringworm and the police were called when the people on behavior duty couldn’t find two lost students who turned out to be in a classroom the entire time.
September 5: My class got a punishment of practicing lining up for two minutes during recess when they kept trying to shove each other off the benches attached to the lunch tables. When I announced that, one boy screamed “fuck!” right in my ear. I thought it was Dea’madja and he spent his recess with Miss Melissa, proclaiming his innocence. I found out I had accused the wrong kid when Mauricio was overheard bragging that Dea’madja was getting in trouble for something he had done. Vivi was right. That kid is sneaky.
September 6: Every Friday during snack, I pull out two raffle tickets from the prize box. Every Friday, my kids want to be the ones to pick the tickets, but I don’t let them. I tell them that this is because raffle drawings are one of the few things I do that doesn’t make them upset and I’m not giving that away. The truth is that I pre-plan which two students will win the drawing every week. There’s a secret pouch where I put the pre-selected winning tickets so that I can hold the box over my head to prove I’m not peeking. I’m surprised that none of them have picked up on the fact that everyone in the class wins once before anyone wins a second time.
September 7: When I meet people for the first time, after finding out their name, I try to get to know them a little. I ask them what their job is or how they know the person we are there to celebrate. The first thing people ask me is about what race I am, like that is the most important factor to figuring out who I am as a person. A lot of times, they way they word it is hurtful. They ask “What are you?” And every time, I just want to look at them confused and answer, “I’m a human. Why? What are you?”
September 8: My new therapist suggested that I send her some of my writing because it’s been helpful with some of her other writer patients. It was weird reading through the short stories I wrote in college. I wasn’t expecting them to seem so sad to me now. All of them were about people who didn’t fit in with the world around them and had trouble finding a safe place to call home. I wonder how I didn’t see that when I was writing them.
much love,
hedgie
September 2: George and I walked ahead of Nick and Addie. Nick told me later that while that happened, Addie was watching us the whole time. He said that a woman passed by us and she gave a soft growl. Because I have been in San Francisco so long, it took a few more seconds of conversation for me to realize that Nick meant that Addie had growled, not the woman who passed me.
September 3: Before he walked home, David made a point of coming into my classroom to hug me goodbye. I miss him in my class so much.
September 4: It was a dramatic time during day school. One of the teachers got ringworm and the police were called when the people on behavior duty couldn’t find two lost students who turned out to be in a classroom the entire time.
September 5: My class got a punishment of practicing lining up for two minutes during recess when they kept trying to shove each other off the benches attached to the lunch tables. When I announced that, one boy screamed “fuck!” right in my ear. I thought it was Dea’madja and he spent his recess with Miss Melissa, proclaiming his innocence. I found out I had accused the wrong kid when Mauricio was overheard bragging that Dea’madja was getting in trouble for something he had done. Vivi was right. That kid is sneaky.
September 6: Every Friday during snack, I pull out two raffle tickets from the prize box. Every Friday, my kids want to be the ones to pick the tickets, but I don’t let them. I tell them that this is because raffle drawings are one of the few things I do that doesn’t make them upset and I’m not giving that away. The truth is that I pre-plan which two students will win the drawing every week. There’s a secret pouch where I put the pre-selected winning tickets so that I can hold the box over my head to prove I’m not peeking. I’m surprised that none of them have picked up on the fact that everyone in the class wins once before anyone wins a second time.
September 7: When I meet people for the first time, after finding out their name, I try to get to know them a little. I ask them what their job is or how they know the person we are there to celebrate. The first thing people ask me is about what race I am, like that is the most important factor to figuring out who I am as a person. A lot of times, they way they word it is hurtful. They ask “What are you?” And every time, I just want to look at them confused and answer, “I’m a human. Why? What are you?”
September 8: My new therapist suggested that I send her some of my writing because it’s been helpful with some of her other writer patients. It was weird reading through the short stories I wrote in college. I wasn’t expecting them to seem so sad to me now. All of them were about people who didn’t fit in with the world around them and had trouble finding a safe place to call home. I wonder how I didn’t see that when I was writing them.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, August 31, 2019
until they graduate from elementary school
August 25: Nick keeps telling me that when he tells his coworkers about my job, they want him to relay to me how much they appreciate the work I do. Each time, I just really want to ask them exactly what they are doing to show that appreciation. Are they doing something active about it or just shooting off a vague secondhand compliment to someone they have never seen?
August 26: Today, I was surprised to discover that I am getting a new student. I was not informed until after he was already in my class. It’s hard to tell what to make of Raoul so far. He’s hasn’t talked much and he cried already, but he also got really into classroom agreements Jeopardy and told me his whole life story within the first few hours of knowing him.
August 27: I would have thought by now my kids would have learned to take the things I say with a grain of salt. But, for some reason, they always accept my remarks without any hesitation. Fernando told me earlier that they are all really convinced that what I said about how I became the fifth grade teacher was true. They all believe that we were fighting over who go to be with them. They truly think that Melissa put us through a series of tests to see who would win the opportunity to be their teacher and that I won the arm wrestling contest, the pop quiz, the karaoke contest, and the foot race, but that he won the dance contest.
August 28: Every day this week, the man who lives in the house on the other side of the back yard wall has been yelling at the children. He climbs up a ladder to tell them all to be quiet. A few parents have been fighting with him. Apparently, he has been living there for years and has on and off spells of being weird about it.
August 29: Luna, Milo, and Joanna borrowed my phone at recess. They took selfies and made themselves my lock screen and my background. They told me that I’m not allowed to change either of them until they graduate from elementary school.
August 30: We had our first Fun Friday already. When asked how many children we should prepare for, we were only told “quite a few”. We ended up with 60, twice as much as we were usually sent. It didn’t help that most of them had just come in from recess. They were all overheated and their warm little hands made the slime we handed them instantly melt back into glue.
August 31: I was hoping to get through the first meeting with the new therapist without crying. I think I lasted about ten minutes.
much love,
hedgie
August 26: Today, I was surprised to discover that I am getting a new student. I was not informed until after he was already in my class. It’s hard to tell what to make of Raoul so far. He’s hasn’t talked much and he cried already, but he also got really into classroom agreements Jeopardy and told me his whole life story within the first few hours of knowing him.
August 27: I would have thought by now my kids would have learned to take the things I say with a grain of salt. But, for some reason, they always accept my remarks without any hesitation. Fernando told me earlier that they are all really convinced that what I said about how I became the fifth grade teacher was true. They all believe that we were fighting over who go to be with them. They truly think that Melissa put us through a series of tests to see who would win the opportunity to be their teacher and that I won the arm wrestling contest, the pop quiz, the karaoke contest, and the foot race, but that he won the dance contest.
August 28: Every day this week, the man who lives in the house on the other side of the back yard wall has been yelling at the children. He climbs up a ladder to tell them all to be quiet. A few parents have been fighting with him. Apparently, he has been living there for years and has on and off spells of being weird about it.
August 29: Luna, Milo, and Joanna borrowed my phone at recess. They took selfies and made themselves my lock screen and my background. They told me that I’m not allowed to change either of them until they graduate from elementary school.
August 30: We had our first Fun Friday already. When asked how many children we should prepare for, we were only told “quite a few”. We ended up with 60, twice as much as we were usually sent. It didn’t help that most of them had just come in from recess. They were all overheated and their warm little hands made the slime we handed them instantly melt back into glue.
August 31: I was hoping to get through the first meeting with the new therapist without crying. I think I lasted about ten minutes.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, August 24, 2019
love yourself
August 18:
August 20: Edwin fell asleep about two minutes into meditation. He slept for an hour, right through our chapter book reading, Camp Read-A-Lot, homework, and cleanup. He is much easier to deal with when he is unconscious.
August 21: The instructions said it would take 15 minutes to build the new equipment shed. Our last one broke halfway through the last school year when the part lock latch fell off. Kids spent their recesses shoving each other inside and then leaning against the door so no one could escape. The new one all pops into place with no hinges or nails. It’s so flimsy that the smart kids will be able to bypass the lock, find a seam, and pop it apart with their bare hands.
August 22: At the start of the week, I warned the entire class that I would not be buying replacements for any of the toys that they break. They already popped one of the squish toys. They kept feeding all the liquid through on tiny hole in the fishnet and the net dug into it until it started leaking green goo everywhere. It didn’t even last one full week with them.
August 23: Now that Vivi has Jai’von in her class, she has been the subject of his mom’s resentment. When closing time came and went, Vivi called her to see if she was on her way and how long it would take for her to get here. As soon as she arrived, she started yelling at Vivi for harassing her. Vivi managed to hold it together in from of Jai’von, but as soon as they were out the door, she was the angriest I have ever seen her in the three years we have worked together. She threw he things into her purse shouting that she was wasn’t going to be taking that kind of shit from her.
August 24: I always felt like I stuck out in Orange County. I was too Filipino to be seen as American by most of the people in town. When I went to Chapman, I went to a meeting of the Asian and Pacific Islander Club. I was excited to finally find a place where I felt like I belonged. But when I got there, the Asian side told me that I wasn’t one of them, I was Pacific Islander. The Pacific Islander side told me I didn’t fit in with them either, that I was actually considered Asian.
I didn’t go to a second meeting.
much love,
hedgie
If anyone every asks me for the favorite book with an explanation—
The Orchid Thief:
I have always been drawn to peoples’ obsessions and hobbies, the things they choose to be a part of during their few moments of spare time. They often lead to an entire world I knew nothing about with rules and rulers that don’t apply anywhere else. People invest so much time, money, and effort into hobbies they love and it often comes out looking so strange to people who are not a part of it. I always find it fascinating that there are these epic, life-changing events happening right next to us. There are victories, defeats, scandals, and fame—half the time we never even notice that something wonderful or tragic is playing out. These obsessions showed me to never take things at face value. There are stories that seem ordinary and straight-forward but if you keep looking into it, you find facts that flip everything over. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wet suits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? Who is willing to let people die to have a single orchid plant? The world is crazy, horrifying, and amazing.
Susan Orleans is the best at venturing into these worlds and exploring them with warmth and an open mind. She can find art, beauty, love, pain, suffering, and humanity in unexpected places most people never give a second thought to. This one in particular goes into the world orchid collecting, and to this day, I can never look at orchids the same. Even the ones they have in the front corner of grocery stores stop me dead in my tracks and I have to go over to look at them. Books like this make me notice things I wouldn’t have otherwise. It makes the world seem magical again. It’s the closet I have ever been able to getting the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, and Santa back.
I have always been drawn to peoples’ obsessions and hobbies, the things they choose to be a part of during their few moments of spare time. They often lead to an entire world I knew nothing about with rules and rulers that don’t apply anywhere else. People invest so much time, money, and effort into hobbies they love and it often comes out looking so strange to people who are not a part of it. I always find it fascinating that there are these epic, life-changing events happening right next to us. There are victories, defeats, scandals, and fame—half the time we never even notice that something wonderful or tragic is playing out. These obsessions showed me to never take things at face value. There are stories that seem ordinary and straight-forward but if you keep looking into it, you find facts that flip everything over. What makes a person spend thousands of dollars buying customized wet suits and surfboards so that they can surf with their dogs? Why do people use their free time to practice eating as many hot dogs as they can in ten minutes? Who would work two jobs so that they can open a Bigfoot museum in the middle of the woods that is only open on weekends? Who is willing to let people die to have a single orchid plant? The world is crazy, horrifying, and amazing.
Susan Orleans is the best at venturing into these worlds and exploring them with warmth and an open mind. She can find art, beauty, love, pain, suffering, and humanity in unexpected places most people never give a second thought to. This one in particular goes into the world orchid collecting, and to this day, I can never look at orchids the same. Even the ones they have in the front corner of grocery stores stop me dead in my tracks and I have to go over to look at them. Books like this make me notice things I wouldn’t have otherwise. It makes the world seem magical again. It’s the closet I have ever been able to getting the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, and Santa back.
Where the Red Fern Grows:
This is the book I was reading when I moved from LA to Orange County, around the time I was ten. I had always liked reading before this, but this was the book that made me realize how powerful words can be. It effected me so physically in a way no book had before, or really has since. It made me ache and was the first book that made me cry. I think I cried on and off for about two weeks after finishing this book. It has played a huge role in what made me want to be a writer.
This also changed the way that I viewed dogs. They went from being pets to being part of the family as I read this. The only friend I had that first summer after the move was Seana and her brother, Sky. Even though they were entirely different breeds, I pictured Seana as Little Anne—the smaller, prettier, and smarter one. And Sky as the broader and very particular one. When I started reading this book, dogs slept outside. By the time I finished, I was sneaking Seana inside to sleep in my bed with me when I thought my parents were asleep. Dogs soon became my babies, and we know that loving dogs is roughly 40% of my personality. Even at work, they know how to tell which work jacket is mine because it’s coated in dog hair.
August 19: For the first day of school, our main activity was to create the classroom agreements we would focus on this year. They usually went for rules like “don’t bully” and “don’t exclude”. But this year, they focused on positive things they could do. They listed “have fun” and “love yourself”. I was really warmed by this until we had a group chat about why we chose these agreements. Allisson thought that loving yourself was really important because a lot of people are made to hate their bodies, the shape of it and the color of their skin. Milo agreed and added that suicide rates have been going up and they continue to spike every time a celebrity commits suicide.This is the book I was reading when I moved from LA to Orange County, around the time I was ten. I had always liked reading before this, but this was the book that made me realize how powerful words can be. It effected me so physically in a way no book had before, or really has since. It made me ache and was the first book that made me cry. I think I cried on and off for about two weeks after finishing this book. It has played a huge role in what made me want to be a writer.
This also changed the way that I viewed dogs. They went from being pets to being part of the family as I read this. The only friend I had that first summer after the move was Seana and her brother, Sky. Even though they were entirely different breeds, I pictured Seana as Little Anne—the smaller, prettier, and smarter one. And Sky as the broader and very particular one. When I started reading this book, dogs slept outside. By the time I finished, I was sneaking Seana inside to sleep in my bed with me when I thought my parents were asleep. Dogs soon became my babies, and we know that loving dogs is roughly 40% of my personality. Even at work, they know how to tell which work jacket is mine because it’s coated in dog hair.
August 20: Edwin fell asleep about two minutes into meditation. He slept for an hour, right through our chapter book reading, Camp Read-A-Lot, homework, and cleanup. He is much easier to deal with when he is unconscious.
August 21: The instructions said it would take 15 minutes to build the new equipment shed. Our last one broke halfway through the last school year when the part lock latch fell off. Kids spent their recesses shoving each other inside and then leaning against the door so no one could escape. The new one all pops into place with no hinges or nails. It’s so flimsy that the smart kids will be able to bypass the lock, find a seam, and pop it apart with their bare hands.
August 22: At the start of the week, I warned the entire class that I would not be buying replacements for any of the toys that they break. They already popped one of the squish toys. They kept feeding all the liquid through on tiny hole in the fishnet and the net dug into it until it started leaking green goo everywhere. It didn’t even last one full week with them.
August 23: Now that Vivi has Jai’von in her class, she has been the subject of his mom’s resentment. When closing time came and went, Vivi called her to see if she was on her way and how long it would take for her to get here. As soon as she arrived, she started yelling at Vivi for harassing her. Vivi managed to hold it together in from of Jai’von, but as soon as they were out the door, she was the angriest I have ever seen her in the three years we have worked together. She threw he things into her purse shouting that she was wasn’t going to be taking that kind of shit from her.
August 24: I always felt like I stuck out in Orange County. I was too Filipino to be seen as American by most of the people in town. When I went to Chapman, I went to a meeting of the Asian and Pacific Islander Club. I was excited to finally find a place where I felt like I belonged. But when I got there, the Asian side told me that I wasn’t one of them, I was Pacific Islander. The Pacific Islander side told me I didn’t fit in with them either, that I was actually considered Asian.
I didn’t go to a second meeting.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, August 17, 2019
for 16 months
August 10: Everything about the Space Needle seemed to be designed to make me uncomfortable. The outer ledges and seats are made out of a thick, clear plastic meant for people to lean back on over 600 feet up in the air. There is also a revolving glass floor that immediately made me feel nauseated and unbalanced. Every foot of the clear sections of floor were covered in people laying on their backs and taking selfies. Every few minutes, people with a vacuum-like contraption clean off all smudges and fingerprints.
August 11: I think I reached peak Seattle Tourist. I worked on my novel in a Starbucks while it was raining.
August 12: Every year, we go through the same online trainings at work. They go over how to handle conflict in the workplace, how to keep an office safe, and how to avoid sexual harassment. This year, they added a new one: how to survive an active shooting.
August 13: There is going to be one less 5th grade teacher than usual this year. Now there will be 30 kids in each of these classes.
August 14: We all have our own individual desks in the bungalow this year. Melissa and Ana decided to do this in hopes it will prevent us from taking over too much space and going into what is meant for others. I don’t think that will stop Connie. They also did it to separate Fernando and Jen from talking too much. They are setting me between them.
August 15: I finished the first draft of Panning For Pyrite today. I keep going back and forth between being excited and terrified. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel after finishing such a huge step after working on it for 16 months.
August 16: I got sick just in time for the start of the school year. I caught what Nick spent a week claiming was just his “allergies”. Now my throat feels like it’s been worked on by a cheese grater and I can’t breathe out of my nose.
August 17: I already have enough people who don’t love me in my life. I don’t see why I have to invite more of them in and why I have to just accept it. Why do I have to be the adult and forgive the 60-year old man who still acts like a child and hasn’t even apologized to me?
Recently, he has been asking me to show him the first draft of my book. I already told him no in person and now he has written on my facebook wall and called himself my family too. After Nick talked to him about him making me feel uncared for and like he wishes I wasn’t there, his apparent way of fixing this isn’t him saying sorry, but for me to give him something extremely personal and vulnerable. And then they way he did it on Facebook, there’s no real way I can reject him without me looking like the asshole. Plus, I’ve seen the way he reacts to books written by family members. I want no part in it. I spent five minutes listening to the entire family talk about Lisa’s books. They said that they read random parts out loud to each other to make fun of it. They said they never finished reading the entire thing. They said they gave them away and would never have them on their bookshelves. I never heard a single nice comment from any of them.
much love,
hedgie
August 11: I think I reached peak Seattle Tourist. I worked on my novel in a Starbucks while it was raining.
August 12: Every year, we go through the same online trainings at work. They go over how to handle conflict in the workplace, how to keep an office safe, and how to avoid sexual harassment. This year, they added a new one: how to survive an active shooting.
August 13: There is going to be one less 5th grade teacher than usual this year. Now there will be 30 kids in each of these classes.
August 14: We all have our own individual desks in the bungalow this year. Melissa and Ana decided to do this in hopes it will prevent us from taking over too much space and going into what is meant for others. I don’t think that will stop Connie. They also did it to separate Fernando and Jen from talking too much. They are setting me between them.
August 15: I finished the first draft of Panning For Pyrite today. I keep going back and forth between being excited and terrified. I don’t know how I am supposed to feel after finishing such a huge step after working on it for 16 months.
August 16: I got sick just in time for the start of the school year. I caught what Nick spent a week claiming was just his “allergies”. Now my throat feels like it’s been worked on by a cheese grater and I can’t breathe out of my nose.
August 17: I already have enough people who don’t love me in my life. I don’t see why I have to invite more of them in and why I have to just accept it. Why do I have to be the adult and forgive the 60-year old man who still acts like a child and hasn’t even apologized to me?
Recently, he has been asking me to show him the first draft of my book. I already told him no in person and now he has written on my facebook wall and called himself my family too. After Nick talked to him about him making me feel uncared for and like he wishes I wasn’t there, his apparent way of fixing this isn’t him saying sorry, but for me to give him something extremely personal and vulnerable. And then they way he did it on Facebook, there’s no real way I can reject him without me looking like the asshole. Plus, I’ve seen the way he reacts to books written by family members. I want no part in it. I spent five minutes listening to the entire family talk about Lisa’s books. They said that they read random parts out loud to each other to make fun of it. They said they never finished reading the entire thing. They said they gave them away and would never have them on their bookshelves. I never heard a single nice comment from any of them.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, August 9, 2019
let’s talk about whoooooores!
August 1: Heidi was worried about eating her fried pickles too soon. She held one cupped in two hands, gently blowing and looking like she was playing the harmonica. They were still hot and she had a habit of not being able to wait long enough for the oil to cool and end up blistering the roof of her mouth. She would spend the next few days dealing with the chandelier of dead gums that hung just behind her incisors.
August 2: Wiggins has been following behind me so closely that his little nose bumps against the back of my calves when I come to a sudden stop.
August 3: We drove back to San Francisco through the part of California that where the heat was in the triple digits and larges stretches of land alternate between prisons and cow farms. I’m not sure which was the more out of place things we saw today, a car pulled over onto the freeway that was completely on fire or the car that had so many pine tree air fresheners that the owner ran out of room on the review mirror and dangled more from a command utility hook installed in the windshield.
August 4: I have been missing my kids so much these last few weeks. I’m so excited to see them again, but I also have a feeling that within the first half hour I will wonder why I missed them so much.
August 5: On the first day back, they had us do a scavenger hunt. We had to take a selfie in front of the church that started our program, get Eddie’s signature from his second desk at Muddy Waters, and awkwardly ask people on the street for a money donation to Mission Graduates.
August 6: The minimum wage rate in Mission Graduates has gone up to $18 an hour. Which sounds great, but it’s been making returning staff anxious. It’s all anyone talked about during the lunch breaks of training. A lot of us spent years here and aren’t even at that much. They worry we will be making the same amount as people coming in this year.
August 7: Mission Graduates is opening a new school at Cleveland. A new site plus a lot of staff leaving means we have been meeting a lot of new people this week. Melissa hired someone named Diego to replace Maria. We have not met him yet and they say he won’t be here until two weeks into the school year. We are starting to suspect that he is not real.
August 8: We were sat outside along the water’s edge where the seagulls could watch us with anticipation while we ate our mound of crab legs, sausage slices, potatoes, and shrimp. We both wore bibs and were armed with wooden mallets to break apart the shells before dumping them into the metal bowl in the middle of the table. Despite how cold it got after the sun set, our butter managed to stay liquid for half an hour before it congealed over and we had to ask for more.
August 9: After a fire destroyed 31 blocks of Seattle, the city decided to rebuild on top of what was destroyed. The streets were elevated that what used to be the ground floor of buildings were now underground. We took a tour of the deserted underground levels of these buildings. The tour guide was named Serene because her mother wanted a calm, quiet child. This guide belted out every sentence she said like if was the chorus of the title song in a Broadway musical. “Let’s talk about whoooooores!” sang, her voice echoing in the empty cambers around us. Then she told us about all the not very successful ways that prostitutes tried to avoid pregnancy, including shoving metal coins and half a lemon up what she referred to as their “squish mitten”.
much love,
hedgie
August 2: Wiggins has been following behind me so closely that his little nose bumps against the back of my calves when I come to a sudden stop.
August 3: We drove back to San Francisco through the part of California that where the heat was in the triple digits and larges stretches of land alternate between prisons and cow farms. I’m not sure which was the more out of place things we saw today, a car pulled over onto the freeway that was completely on fire or the car that had so many pine tree air fresheners that the owner ran out of room on the review mirror and dangled more from a command utility hook installed in the windshield.
August 4: I have been missing my kids so much these last few weeks. I’m so excited to see them again, but I also have a feeling that within the first half hour I will wonder why I missed them so much.
August 5: On the first day back, they had us do a scavenger hunt. We had to take a selfie in front of the church that started our program, get Eddie’s signature from his second desk at Muddy Waters, and awkwardly ask people on the street for a money donation to Mission Graduates.
August 6: The minimum wage rate in Mission Graduates has gone up to $18 an hour. Which sounds great, but it’s been making returning staff anxious. It’s all anyone talked about during the lunch breaks of training. A lot of us spent years here and aren’t even at that much. They worry we will be making the same amount as people coming in this year.
August 7: Mission Graduates is opening a new school at Cleveland. A new site plus a lot of staff leaving means we have been meeting a lot of new people this week. Melissa hired someone named Diego to replace Maria. We have not met him yet and they say he won’t be here until two weeks into the school year. We are starting to suspect that he is not real.
August 8: We were sat outside along the water’s edge where the seagulls could watch us with anticipation while we ate our mound of crab legs, sausage slices, potatoes, and shrimp. We both wore bibs and were armed with wooden mallets to break apart the shells before dumping them into the metal bowl in the middle of the table. Despite how cold it got after the sun set, our butter managed to stay liquid for half an hour before it congealed over and we had to ask for more.
August 9: After a fire destroyed 31 blocks of Seattle, the city decided to rebuild on top of what was destroyed. The streets were elevated that what used to be the ground floor of buildings were now underground. We took a tour of the deserted underground levels of these buildings. The tour guide was named Serene because her mother wanted a calm, quiet child. This guide belted out every sentence she said like if was the chorus of the title song in a Broadway musical. “Let’s talk about whoooooores!” sang, her voice echoing in the empty cambers around us. Then she told us about all the not very successful ways that prostitutes tried to avoid pregnancy, including shoving metal coins and half a lemon up what she referred to as their “squish mitten”.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
laughing so hard that she is crying
July 25: The ocean seemed impatient today. The waves would surge and crash within a few feet. It left the swells so tall and thin that when they peaked, I could see straight through it to the dangling legs of everyone riding the wave out.
July 26: I got to meet Roni’s fiancé for the first time. We even drove by their wedding location. Usually, they are able to wander around when they visit, but that day there was an actual wedding reception going. We kept debating if we were dressed nice enough to just wander in and check their setup out without looking suspicious.
July 27: My parents have been having monthly lunches with the Tedrows. They take turns paying for the entire meal, ensuring that they will continue meeting up for meals. I joined the one today. It was a strange sensation to eat with them again, warm and recognizable, but new at the same time. These were people that I knew so well and were a huge part of my life for a long time, but that part of my life hasn’t existed for about 15 years.
July 28: It’s funny how getting drinks with good friends can be relieve and add stress at the same time. It’s nice to know that we are all going through stuff and aren’t alone, but it still isn’t great to hear about the the shitty things we are all dealing with. All of us were trying to figure out how to give help when we all needed help ourselves.
July 29: More updates keep coming in about the Girlroy Garlic Festival shooting. A six-year old boy died. Everyday, it gets harder and harder to feel safe in public. I am so tired of hearing about shootings and thinking ‘another one already?’. I’m sick of mapping out plans in my head for what I would do if a shooter suddenly came out when I’m with my kids. If the table would be enough to barricade the door. How many students could I fit into the closet and under the teacher’s desk. What could be done if one of my kids was at the bathroom when it happened.
July 30: Katie cannot get over the cashew joke Matt told her at my birthday party. She tells it at least five times every time I see her even though even we hang out with has already heard it. Out of nowhere, she asks to no one in particular, “What did the nut say while chasing another nut?” No one says anything. At this point, she is already laughing so hard that she is crying. “I’mma cashew!”
July 31: I just realized that the ring I bought has a fake turquoise stone is the exact same shade as the walls of my childhood bedroom. The black, wavering lines run through it like it is cracked and ready to fall apart at any moment.
much love,
hedgie
July 26: I got to meet Roni’s fiancé for the first time. We even drove by their wedding location. Usually, they are able to wander around when they visit, but that day there was an actual wedding reception going. We kept debating if we were dressed nice enough to just wander in and check their setup out without looking suspicious.
July 27: My parents have been having monthly lunches with the Tedrows. They take turns paying for the entire meal, ensuring that they will continue meeting up for meals. I joined the one today. It was a strange sensation to eat with them again, warm and recognizable, but new at the same time. These were people that I knew so well and were a huge part of my life for a long time, but that part of my life hasn’t existed for about 15 years.
July 28: It’s funny how getting drinks with good friends can be relieve and add stress at the same time. It’s nice to know that we are all going through stuff and aren’t alone, but it still isn’t great to hear about the the shitty things we are all dealing with. All of us were trying to figure out how to give help when we all needed help ourselves.
July 29: More updates keep coming in about the Girlroy Garlic Festival shooting. A six-year old boy died. Everyday, it gets harder and harder to feel safe in public. I am so tired of hearing about shootings and thinking ‘another one already?’. I’m sick of mapping out plans in my head for what I would do if a shooter suddenly came out when I’m with my kids. If the table would be enough to barricade the door. How many students could I fit into the closet and under the teacher’s desk. What could be done if one of my kids was at the bathroom when it happened.
July 30: Katie cannot get over the cashew joke Matt told her at my birthday party. She tells it at least five times every time I see her even though even we hang out with has already heard it. Out of nowhere, she asks to no one in particular, “What did the nut say while chasing another nut?” No one says anything. At this point, she is already laughing so hard that she is crying. “I’mma cashew!”
July 31: I just realized that the ring I bought has a fake turquoise stone is the exact same shade as the walls of my childhood bedroom. The black, wavering lines run through it like it is cracked and ready to fall apart at any moment.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
“you are loved”, “life is a journey”, and “bitch”
July 16: In the line for Radiator Springs Racers, there is a small house made to look like it was made out of old glass oil bottles and cement. In the dark, people used the light from their cellphones to light up bottles for the kids on the other side of the wall so that they could chase the lights like lightning bugs.
July 17: 1.7 million people have stated they they are going to raid Area 51on September 20, 2019 at three in the morning. They figure that they can’t possibly stop all of them. And if they Naruto run, they can dodge any bullets that come flying at them. They want to see aliens.
July 18: There was a group dog middle aged couples hanging around the bar, killing time until their lunch at the Del Mar Race Track. The women all wore engagement rings with diamonds so big that they looked like they had won the Super Bowl.
July 19: The possible move to Oregon is being taken very seriously. Emily, Jordan, and Nick have been looking at houses for sale and comparing them. They seem to lean towards ones with front porches that are surrounded by trees. They also seem to favor houses that are also within our price ranges, a feat not possible in the areas we currently live.
July 20: The Marriott sells wood sticks so that guests can roast marshmallows over their gas fireplaces. But it was hard to get the perfect, golden marshmallow without hot embers and we all ended up eating s’more with either Luke-warm marshmallows or lumps of coal. Everyone ended up cutting off bite-sized chunks of the steak leftover from lunch and reheating them on sticks over the fire. Angi even lumped a mound of rice on two sticks and cook it as a side dish.
July 21: One booth at the Sawdust Festival sold personalized necklaces with hidden messages. The pendant was mad of two wok-shaped pieces that fit together like a clam. The one in front could be decorated with imprints of stars, daisies, or paw prints. The inside of the back one could have messages printed inside. The pre-made messages included “You are loved”, “Life is a journey”, and “Bitch”.
July 22: Dad’s noir book not only got accepted by a publisher, but they also want to be a series. Nora’s rump is going to be famous.
July 23: Sometimes I forget that I live somewhere that people from all over the world come to for vacation. It still blows my mind how many people in the world have never seen the ocean. Lexi, Zoey, and Mitchell have spent their lives swimming in pools and lakes. They seem very wary of waves and are afraid to dive under the ones that come crashing down on them and they end up being swept and tumbled away onto the sand again. They opt for digging for sand crabs, burying each other, and splashing Mitchell while they stand knee-deep in the brine.
July 24: We spent the day at Redondo Beach, which was the favorite beach of Mara’s dad. We taught Mara’s kids how to rip apart crabs with their bare hands and gave them a taste of the sea urchin mom got that was so fresh its spines were still waving slowly in the air. The water was filthy. It was full of trash and left all of our swimsuits filled with black bits of tar. Even then, the kids refused to leave the water. Summer decided that her mermaid name was Mermalina and she kept begging for me to let her swim on her own. As soon as I let her go, a wave would come and wash over her. She would bob back to the surface, her eyes squeezed shut to keep out the sea water. She would blow out the water from her mouth like a whale breaching and tell me to grab her again. As soon as I had her, she wiped her eyes and wiggled to get free from me again.
much love,
hedgie
July 17: 1.7 million people have stated they they are going to raid Area 51on September 20, 2019 at three in the morning. They figure that they can’t possibly stop all of them. And if they Naruto run, they can dodge any bullets that come flying at them. They want to see aliens.
July 18: There was a group dog middle aged couples hanging around the bar, killing time until their lunch at the Del Mar Race Track. The women all wore engagement rings with diamonds so big that they looked like they had won the Super Bowl.
July 19: The possible move to Oregon is being taken very seriously. Emily, Jordan, and Nick have been looking at houses for sale and comparing them. They seem to lean towards ones with front porches that are surrounded by trees. They also seem to favor houses that are also within our price ranges, a feat not possible in the areas we currently live.
July 20: The Marriott sells wood sticks so that guests can roast marshmallows over their gas fireplaces. But it was hard to get the perfect, golden marshmallow without hot embers and we all ended up eating s’more with either Luke-warm marshmallows or lumps of coal. Everyone ended up cutting off bite-sized chunks of the steak leftover from lunch and reheating them on sticks over the fire. Angi even lumped a mound of rice on two sticks and cook it as a side dish.
July 21: One booth at the Sawdust Festival sold personalized necklaces with hidden messages. The pendant was mad of two wok-shaped pieces that fit together like a clam. The one in front could be decorated with imprints of stars, daisies, or paw prints. The inside of the back one could have messages printed inside. The pre-made messages included “You are loved”, “Life is a journey”, and “Bitch”.
July 22: Dad’s noir book not only got accepted by a publisher, but they also want to be a series. Nora’s rump is going to be famous.
July 23: Sometimes I forget that I live somewhere that people from all over the world come to for vacation. It still blows my mind how many people in the world have never seen the ocean. Lexi, Zoey, and Mitchell have spent their lives swimming in pools and lakes. They seem very wary of waves and are afraid to dive under the ones that come crashing down on them and they end up being swept and tumbled away onto the sand again. They opt for digging for sand crabs, burying each other, and splashing Mitchell while they stand knee-deep in the brine.
July 24: We spent the day at Redondo Beach, which was the favorite beach of Mara’s dad. We taught Mara’s kids how to rip apart crabs with their bare hands and gave them a taste of the sea urchin mom got that was so fresh its spines were still waving slowly in the air. The water was filthy. It was full of trash and left all of our swimsuits filled with black bits of tar. Even then, the kids refused to leave the water. Summer decided that her mermaid name was Mermalina and she kept begging for me to let her swim on her own. As soon as I let her go, a wave would come and wash over her. She would bob back to the surface, her eyes squeezed shut to keep out the sea water. She would blow out the water from her mouth like a whale breaching and tell me to grab her again. As soon as I had her, she wiped her eyes and wiggled to get free from me again.
much love,
hedgie
Monday, July 15, 2019
homework for my birthday
July 8: It took me all day to decide between Colonel Sanders and Walt Disney. Olivia is teaching a course on growth mindset and teaching about people who failed multiple times before they found success. Preliminary research shows that Colonel Sanders was involved in a shootout where his rival died, he sued his own company after selling it, he constantly swore, supposedly cursed a Japanese baseball team, he cheated on his wife frequently, and was buried in his famous white suit and bolo tie getup. So Disney won by default.
July 9: We were talking about how too much of anything, even a good thing, is bad.
“Too much sun gives you cancer, too much exercise can kill you.” Want said.
Nick joined in. “Drinking too much water can kill you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s called drowning.”
July 10: It’s been a surreal and nostalgic week. Cleaning out my closet and coming across photos of me from age 9 to 18. We all watched Stranger Things together and it was weird seeing the styles and objects I saw growing up. Then with Toy Story 4 yesterday. It’s making me really feel like I’m about to turn 30.
July 11: While cleaning out the garage, Nick dismantled an old work bench that ran along one of the walls and contained a rat nest. The tabletop was supported by two crates. Each had the word ‘Dublin’ printed on them. We checked with Grannie and it turns out that they are the actual crates they packed their belongings into when they moved here from Ireland.
July 12: At Grandpa Bob’s memorial, they placed photo albums on a few tables for people to look through while remembering his life and his legacy. The photos were browning with age, different layers of the paper were beginning to separate and the dog-eared corners were nearly torn off.The dates, locations, and names of everyone in the image were all written down in black pen on the photo itself. In a few flips of pages, we watched his entire life. We saw him as a child with chickens blocking him out from the knees down. We saw him at various beaches showing off gymnastic poses he could, balancing on one hand in the hot sand. We saw his first marriage, his army uniform, his children, and his grandchildren.
July 13: I asked Lindsie about her recent trip to Africa. I’m no quite sure how it happened, but it lead to my birthday party becoming a bunch of tipsy 30-year olds making drunken guesses as to the names of groups of animals for almost two hours straight. A smack of jellyfish, a business of ferrets, and a parliament of owls. Then it turned into us deciding what groups of our own clones would be. A harmony of Lindsies, a sparkle of Heidis, and a snark of Heathers.
July 14: The dirt crunched beneath the car tires. The road wavered back and forth in gentle curves and the surrounding trees grew up and towards each other, reaching out and brushing against the branches of the trees on the opposite side of the road so that they formed a steeple of leaves that left little room to see the stars.
July 15: I asked everyone to give me a copy of their favorite book for my birthday. I wanted them to write something inside about why they loved this book so much and leave me little note throughout it so that I would think of them while I read it. It wasn’t until I scanned the six-page essay Raven has scrawled inside the cover and first few pages of Pride and Prejudice that I realized that I essentially gave everyone homework for my birthday.
much love,
hedgie
July 9: We were talking about how too much of anything, even a good thing, is bad.
“Too much sun gives you cancer, too much exercise can kill you.” Want said.
Nick joined in. “Drinking too much water can kill you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s called drowning.”
July 10: It’s been a surreal and nostalgic week. Cleaning out my closet and coming across photos of me from age 9 to 18. We all watched Stranger Things together and it was weird seeing the styles and objects I saw growing up. Then with Toy Story 4 yesterday. It’s making me really feel like I’m about to turn 30.
July 11: While cleaning out the garage, Nick dismantled an old work bench that ran along one of the walls and contained a rat nest. The tabletop was supported by two crates. Each had the word ‘Dublin’ printed on them. We checked with Grannie and it turns out that they are the actual crates they packed their belongings into when they moved here from Ireland.
July 12: At Grandpa Bob’s memorial, they placed photo albums on a few tables for people to look through while remembering his life and his legacy. The photos were browning with age, different layers of the paper were beginning to separate and the dog-eared corners were nearly torn off.The dates, locations, and names of everyone in the image were all written down in black pen on the photo itself. In a few flips of pages, we watched his entire life. We saw him as a child with chickens blocking him out from the knees down. We saw him at various beaches showing off gymnastic poses he could, balancing on one hand in the hot sand. We saw his first marriage, his army uniform, his children, and his grandchildren.
July 13: I asked Lindsie about her recent trip to Africa. I’m no quite sure how it happened, but it lead to my birthday party becoming a bunch of tipsy 30-year olds making drunken guesses as to the names of groups of animals for almost two hours straight. A smack of jellyfish, a business of ferrets, and a parliament of owls. Then it turned into us deciding what groups of our own clones would be. A harmony of Lindsies, a sparkle of Heidis, and a snark of Heathers.
July 14: The dirt crunched beneath the car tires. The road wavered back and forth in gentle curves and the surrounding trees grew up and towards each other, reaching out and brushing against the branches of the trees on the opposite side of the road so that they formed a steeple of leaves that left little room to see the stars.
July 15: I asked everyone to give me a copy of their favorite book for my birthday. I wanted them to write something inside about why they loved this book so much and leave me little note throughout it so that I would think of them while I read it. It wasn’t until I scanned the six-page essay Raven has scrawled inside the cover and first few pages of Pride and Prejudice that I realized that I essentially gave everyone homework for my birthday.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, July 7, 2019
pop and explode just before the fire goes out
July 1: I managed to convince my parents to “Marie Kondo” the house because it’s getting more cluttered every time I come back. But since the first step of her cleaning technique is to shove everything into one giant pile, I’m worried that some people will do that step and then just leave it that mountain.
July 2: Ruth is loose again. She has been slowly emptying her house of items and depositing them into the front yard. While walking the dogs, I saw that her bushes were full of mail, clothing, and a landline phone. She has been standing in the middle of the street all morning, cussing out anyone one who walks past. Neighbors have apparently been begrudgingly feeding her and making sure she makes it back inside safely because no one is able to get a hold of her daughter.
July 3: Nick invited Angi and Kat to go to Google with us one day as a cousin work trip. No one knows how he found out, but Kat’s dad somehow found out and invited himself along. And then he invited Lyra and Sharon along. Nick is supposed to limit his guest count to four, but he’s getting off easy here. They could have very easily turned it in to a full family trip with at least a dozen people.
July 4: Heidi’s favorite firework has always been the Piccolo Petes. They emit a shrieking sound along with a sparkling flame. If you take an old nail and a hammer, you can crimp them in just the right spot to make them pop and explode just before the fire goes out. Every year, she has to experiment to find the sweet spot because the design keeps changing. She sits on the curb with her feet in the gutter, hammering tiny creases into them until she gets it right.
July 5: There have been earthquakes two days in a row. Today’s one was a rolling one that kept getting stronger the longer it went on. It was a 7.1 magnitude earthquake. We were far enough that the thing we had to worry about most was the living room flat screen TV toppling over.
July 6: Whenever I visit Orange County, I’m always most excited to go to Target. I love being able to browse the aisles without having to ask busy people to unlock the shelves to all the personal hygiene items and alcohol. It feels so freeing and extravagant.
July 7: Marie Kondo-ing is going better that I expected. Closets have been almost emptied and I can see the wooden floor again. We finally made enough space to put away the chairs we took out for Christmas seating. We cleared out enough of the garage that two cars can now fit in it, the way it was originally intended to. Which is nice, but then Dad found some bad wiring in the kitchen. He turned off all the electricity to avoid getting checked when he tried to fix it. But after her put everything back on, half the lights upstairs wouldn’t work and we can’t find anything wrong with the fuses or circuit breakers.
much love,
hedgie
July 2: Ruth is loose again. She has been slowly emptying her house of items and depositing them into the front yard. While walking the dogs, I saw that her bushes were full of mail, clothing, and a landline phone. She has been standing in the middle of the street all morning, cussing out anyone one who walks past. Neighbors have apparently been begrudgingly feeding her and making sure she makes it back inside safely because no one is able to get a hold of her daughter.
July 3: Nick invited Angi and Kat to go to Google with us one day as a cousin work trip. No one knows how he found out, but Kat’s dad somehow found out and invited himself along. And then he invited Lyra and Sharon along. Nick is supposed to limit his guest count to four, but he’s getting off easy here. They could have very easily turned it in to a full family trip with at least a dozen people.
July 4: Heidi’s favorite firework has always been the Piccolo Petes. They emit a shrieking sound along with a sparkling flame. If you take an old nail and a hammer, you can crimp them in just the right spot to make them pop and explode just before the fire goes out. Every year, she has to experiment to find the sweet spot because the design keeps changing. She sits on the curb with her feet in the gutter, hammering tiny creases into them until she gets it right.
July 5: There have been earthquakes two days in a row. Today’s one was a rolling one that kept getting stronger the longer it went on. It was a 7.1 magnitude earthquake. We were far enough that the thing we had to worry about most was the living room flat screen TV toppling over.
July 6: Whenever I visit Orange County, I’m always most excited to go to Target. I love being able to browse the aisles without having to ask busy people to unlock the shelves to all the personal hygiene items and alcohol. It feels so freeing and extravagant.
July 7: Marie Kondo-ing is going better that I expected. Closets have been almost emptied and I can see the wooden floor again. We finally made enough space to put away the chairs we took out for Christmas seating. We cleared out enough of the garage that two cars can now fit in it, the way it was originally intended to. Which is nice, but then Dad found some bad wiring in the kitchen. He turned off all the electricity to avoid getting checked when he tried to fix it. But after her put everything back on, half the lights upstairs wouldn’t work and we can’t find anything wrong with the fuses or circuit breakers.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, June 30, 2019
the dog parade
June 24: Cleaning out my dressers is weird. I simultaneously feel like I’m getting rid of too much stuff and not enough at the same time. It’s like watching myself throwing away pieces of who I used to be and who I thought I would be by the time I reached this age.
June 25: I want to talk about what’s bothering me and get it out. But he seems to do everything he can to stop me. He interrupts, tries to distract me, and tells me he is the wrong person to go to for this kind of thing. It’s like I ate something poisonous and I’m trying to throw it up, but he puts his hand over my mouth and forces me to swallow it again.
June 26: I’ve been on a Gordan Ramsay binge lately. Just watching him yell at deluded owners and sticking up for the line staff is so satisfying. This is the closest I will get to yelling back at all the baby boomers who have deemed my generation as selfish snowflakes. They are the ones who tell me to go to college and get in debt for it so I can avoid a life of working in fast-food joints. Then they tell me to remove my degree from my resume so I can have an easier time finding work where they can pay me less than what I deserve while my student loan payments start six months after graduation and come weighted down with huge interest rates. Then they berate people who do end up working in fast food places just to make ends meet.
June 27: I passed a family that was out walking their dog that looked just liked George. He was another tiny, white, fluffy guy. They sniffed each other and when we parted ways without incident, I praised George. The woman in the group stopped dead in her tracks and her mouth fell open. The other dogs was also named George.
June 28: The sun was setting and we pulled over to the side of the freeway. The wind was helped along by the semi-trucks and picked up flecks of sand from the shoulder of the road, but it was still warm. We scattered Jr’s ashes where a sunflower bush and a thorny bush converged.
June 29: The program for Grandma’s memorial service listed that Matt and Angi would be performing a duet of Amazing Grace. Angi took centerstage and pulled the microphone out of its holder. The stage was still decorated with a fake plane and Mayan temple from the church’s VBS program. Matt went to the piano. Nick leaned towards me. “I didn’t know Matt played the piano,” he whispered. But apparently he didn’t because he played exactly two notes and Angi belted out the song alone. And now I want to hire them as an entertainment duo for every event I have from now on.
June 30: We had one dog per person as we walked around the marina in Dana Point. At least a dozen people pointed us out, calling us the “dog parade”. I was busy reading the names painted on the backboards of all the boats, names like Fish Lips and Wild in Sac.
much love,
hedgie
June 25: I want to talk about what’s bothering me and get it out. But he seems to do everything he can to stop me. He interrupts, tries to distract me, and tells me he is the wrong person to go to for this kind of thing. It’s like I ate something poisonous and I’m trying to throw it up, but he puts his hand over my mouth and forces me to swallow it again.
June 26: I’ve been on a Gordan Ramsay binge lately. Just watching him yell at deluded owners and sticking up for the line staff is so satisfying. This is the closest I will get to yelling back at all the baby boomers who have deemed my generation as selfish snowflakes. They are the ones who tell me to go to college and get in debt for it so I can avoid a life of working in fast-food joints. Then they tell me to remove my degree from my resume so I can have an easier time finding work where they can pay me less than what I deserve while my student loan payments start six months after graduation and come weighted down with huge interest rates. Then they berate people who do end up working in fast food places just to make ends meet.
June 27: I passed a family that was out walking their dog that looked just liked George. He was another tiny, white, fluffy guy. They sniffed each other and when we parted ways without incident, I praised George. The woman in the group stopped dead in her tracks and her mouth fell open. The other dogs was also named George.
June 28: The sun was setting and we pulled over to the side of the freeway. The wind was helped along by the semi-trucks and picked up flecks of sand from the shoulder of the road, but it was still warm. We scattered Jr’s ashes where a sunflower bush and a thorny bush converged.
June 29: The program for Grandma’s memorial service listed that Matt and Angi would be performing a duet of Amazing Grace. Angi took centerstage and pulled the microphone out of its holder. The stage was still decorated with a fake plane and Mayan temple from the church’s VBS program. Matt went to the piano. Nick leaned towards me. “I didn’t know Matt played the piano,” he whispered. But apparently he didn’t because he played exactly two notes and Angi belted out the song alone. And now I want to hire them as an entertainment duo for every event I have from now on.
June 30: We had one dog per person as we walked around the marina in Dana Point. At least a dozen people pointed us out, calling us the “dog parade”. I was busy reading the names painted on the backboards of all the boats, names like Fish Lips and Wild in Sac.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, June 23, 2019
murder first, drinks second
June 16: Even years later, she never felt like part of the family. They were awkward around her and couldn’t remember things about her. She felt more like a neighbor that they invited just to be nice but they never expected to actually show up.
June 17: Addie had been sick lately and it’s hard to figure out why. Her symptoms are difficult to fit together into one diagnosis. She’s still active and silly. She’s drinking plenty of water and her appetite is good. There’s nothing unusual in her poop. But everyday for about a week, she has woken us up at four in the morning to vomit in the living room.
June 18: I’m losing track of what day it is already. Everything is starting to blur together. I’m torn between feeling like school got out one week ago or two months ago. Nothing else would make any sense to me right now.
June 19: I started giant knitting this week so I can make a blanket for the living room. It’s a lot more physical than I was expecting. I have to take a break every two rows because it is so tiring to even unspool the giant ball of yarn.
June 20: I’ve been watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” in hopes that it will help put me into the mindset to start cleaning out my dressers. Her first step is to pile everything into a single mound and sort through it one by one to determine what you keep and what you let go. She says to hold them up to your chest and see if it sparks joy, giving the same feeling as holding a puppy. While I understand the theory behind it and how that can be helpful, I just feel like that is a lot to ask of a T-shirt.
June 21: It’s strange how little men’s fashion has changed throughout the years. Nick and I are trying to choose our outfits for the 1920’s-themed scavenger hunt tomorrow and he’s able to just wear the 1950’s suit he once bought. I’m choosing all the loosest and shapeless clothes I can find, which is strange because in just a few decades, tight and form-fitting clothes become the new look.
June 22: We had half an hour to solve the murder mystery before end time and everyone was still looking at the menu. “Guys, murder first, drinks second.”
June 23: Addie has started the shedding process. I can’t pet her without hair jetting out in all directions like confetti at a parade. It is officially the summer season.
much love,
hedgie
June 17: Addie had been sick lately and it’s hard to figure out why. Her symptoms are difficult to fit together into one diagnosis. She’s still active and silly. She’s drinking plenty of water and her appetite is good. There’s nothing unusual in her poop. But everyday for about a week, she has woken us up at four in the morning to vomit in the living room.
June 18: I’m losing track of what day it is already. Everything is starting to blur together. I’m torn between feeling like school got out one week ago or two months ago. Nothing else would make any sense to me right now.
June 19: I started giant knitting this week so I can make a blanket for the living room. It’s a lot more physical than I was expecting. I have to take a break every two rows because it is so tiring to even unspool the giant ball of yarn.
June 20: I’ve been watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” in hopes that it will help put me into the mindset to start cleaning out my dressers. Her first step is to pile everything into a single mound and sort through it one by one to determine what you keep and what you let go. She says to hold them up to your chest and see if it sparks joy, giving the same feeling as holding a puppy. While I understand the theory behind it and how that can be helpful, I just feel like that is a lot to ask of a T-shirt.
June 21: It’s strange how little men’s fashion has changed throughout the years. Nick and I are trying to choose our outfits for the 1920’s-themed scavenger hunt tomorrow and he’s able to just wear the 1950’s suit he once bought. I’m choosing all the loosest and shapeless clothes I can find, which is strange because in just a few decades, tight and form-fitting clothes become the new look.
June 22: We had half an hour to solve the murder mystery before end time and everyone was still looking at the menu. “Guys, murder first, drinks second.”
June 23: Addie has started the shedding process. I can’t pet her without hair jetting out in all directions like confetti at a parade. It is officially the summer season.
much love,
hedgie
Saturday, June 15, 2019
acne and wrinkles at the same time
June 8: Uncle still claims that he can tell a winning horse by just looking at it. I still have the bad habit of choosing a horse to bet on based on how funny I find their names.
June 9: Wiggins has been nicknamed “The Fur Rocket”. He pulled against his leash during the entire four-mile walk along the beach today. Even when he followed me to bed for a nap, he kept licking my eyeballs roughly every ten minutes just to make sure I was still alive.
June 10: I finally told Heidi about everything that had been going on with me in San Francisco. I cried a lot, but it felt good. It was amazing to discover that we had even more in common then I realized. We played out the exact same role in multiple situations, just a few years apart and with different people. It was sad and a relief at the same time. I may be making stupid decisions, but I’m not the only one doing it.
June 11: For the encore, John Paul White pulled out his acoustic guitar and beckoned us closer. He wouldn’t play until everyone he couldn’t see in the glow of the stage lights had moved forward to the empty tables closet to the stage. He sang without a mic in such a raw and tender way that his voice was almost washed away by the clinking sounds of the servers cleaning up the empty glasses from the abandoned tables.
June 12: Grannie’s house it nearly empty now. She’s moving back into Leisure World sometime next week. She showed us pictures of her new place on her iPad. It’s strange to think that this is the last time I will ever sit in this living room.
June 13: Addie keeps wanting to lick her butthole, but knows that we don’t like it. Every time she wants to do it and she is in the same room as us, she awkwardly crouches her butt as close to the ground as she can while still walking and then looks very guilty.
June 14: The fun thing about almost being thirty is that I’m somehow dealing with acne and wrinkles at the same time.
June 15: I still feel like a kid in so many ways. I keep watching so many people my age gracefully transition into adulthood. They have houses, kids, and careers with promotions. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong. How is it so easy for them and so difficult to me? Everything just seems to work out in their favor. It reminds me of a conversation Nick and I have about once a week. I’ll tell him that I’m worried about something. He holds me hand and tells me, “Let me worry about that.” “But you’re not worried about it.” “Exactly.” For him, that was all that was needed to be said about the subject. Of course it was, he always ended up okay. For me, it was just the opening of a huge chasm that I would have to figure out how to cross alone.
much love,
hedgie
June 9: Wiggins has been nicknamed “The Fur Rocket”. He pulled against his leash during the entire four-mile walk along the beach today. Even when he followed me to bed for a nap, he kept licking my eyeballs roughly every ten minutes just to make sure I was still alive.
June 10: I finally told Heidi about everything that had been going on with me in San Francisco. I cried a lot, but it felt good. It was amazing to discover that we had even more in common then I realized. We played out the exact same role in multiple situations, just a few years apart and with different people. It was sad and a relief at the same time. I may be making stupid decisions, but I’m not the only one doing it.
June 11: For the encore, John Paul White pulled out his acoustic guitar and beckoned us closer. He wouldn’t play until everyone he couldn’t see in the glow of the stage lights had moved forward to the empty tables closet to the stage. He sang without a mic in such a raw and tender way that his voice was almost washed away by the clinking sounds of the servers cleaning up the empty glasses from the abandoned tables.
June 12: Grannie’s house it nearly empty now. She’s moving back into Leisure World sometime next week. She showed us pictures of her new place on her iPad. It’s strange to think that this is the last time I will ever sit in this living room.
June 13: Addie keeps wanting to lick her butthole, but knows that we don’t like it. Every time she wants to do it and she is in the same room as us, she awkwardly crouches her butt as close to the ground as she can while still walking and then looks very guilty.
June 14: The fun thing about almost being thirty is that I’m somehow dealing with acne and wrinkles at the same time.
June 15: I still feel like a kid in so many ways. I keep watching so many people my age gracefully transition into adulthood. They have houses, kids, and careers with promotions. It makes me wonder what I am doing wrong. How is it so easy for them and so difficult to me? Everything just seems to work out in their favor. It reminds me of a conversation Nick and I have about once a week. I’ll tell him that I’m worried about something. He holds me hand and tells me, “Let me worry about that.” “But you’re not worried about it.” “Exactly.” For him, that was all that was needed to be said about the subject. Of course it was, he always ended up okay. For me, it was just the opening of a huge chasm that I would have to figure out how to cross alone.
much love,
hedgie
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