April 10: The principal changed the morning recess schedule without telling anyone. School is almost out for the day and even the people in the front office can’t tell me when exactly I’m supposed to start recess duty.
April 11: My kids decided to rank all of their teachers according to how much they like us. They put me at 5th place. Ms. Caritas, the teacher who left them last year a month before the term ended, was awarded first place. Immediately after, Arianna asked me to help her with her math homework. I told her she should go ask her first favorite teacher for help.
April 12: Robert’s aunt came in again and added Ana in on the threats, telling her that she was more than willing to make this battle physical. Apparently, the one-sided conversation included her repeating how pissed she was about Robert getting bullied and absolutely no sense of irony.
April 13: We watched the San Francisco Symphony play the soundtrack to Raiders of the Lost Ark. It makes me so happy to see such devotion taken to present a movie that required two men and forty takes to create a Nazi-Sympathizer monkey.
April 14: The entire school is dressing up in colors of the rainbow to celebrate LGBTQ people. The staff was a bit concerned about how the parents would take this, considering that 90% of Catholic and the rainbow parade happened to coincide with Good Friday.
April 15: Elaine got the results of her DNA test back. She was excitedly showing me how the program was even able to suggest possible family members and found a first cousin of hers that she did not know existed. I asked her how she could have a first cousin she never met. Turns out, her uncle had faked his death for over 35 years and started a new family in a different state.
April 16: Christiana always manages to leave something behind every time we see her. Today, she left a bag of weed and a bigger bag of ham on our kitchen table.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Sunday, April 9, 2017
jesus and lady gaga
April 3: Arianna and I read “Child of the Sun”, which is a Cuban legend that explains how and why eclipses happen. The story involved the first two humans being created by the sun and the moon. Neither of us were able to figure out how to pronounce these humans’ names, so Arianna settled for dubbing them Jesus and Lady Gaga.
April 4: Miss Connie has never had lice. This has only caused her problems when she still lived in the Philippines and the monkeys her family owned would comb through her and her cousins’ hair, searching for parasites. They would comb through her locks and found nothing to eat, they would bite her instead.
April 5: Robert’s aunt came in to give Melissa a 40-minute long thinly-veiled threat. She said that she tells her cousins about Robert’s treatment at this school and that they have said they are more than willing to all come out here and show us who is boss.
April 6: Abel asked me to make a fortune teller for him out of green construction paper. I was in the middle of taking attendance, so I told him I would make one for him, but he would have to wait a few minutes. “But it’s an emergency!,” he yelled desperately.
April 7: Lianna had a rabid dog in her improve scene with Brenna. The dog bit Brenna and she gently suggested that Lianna take him to a vet. “I have,” she said. “But they are so unhelpful. All they ever say is put him down. Put him down where?”
April 8: Nick keeps putting off talking to his family about help they could give us for the wedding. I find it strange he can’t just ask them. I guess that’s the difference, I have family and he has relatives.
April 9: The pizza here has cornmeal in the dough. When they brought it to our table, it wafted the unmistakable scent of corn bread.
much love,
hedgie
April 4: Miss Connie has never had lice. This has only caused her problems when she still lived in the Philippines and the monkeys her family owned would comb through her and her cousins’ hair, searching for parasites. They would comb through her locks and found nothing to eat, they would bite her instead.
April 5: Robert’s aunt came in to give Melissa a 40-minute long thinly-veiled threat. She said that she tells her cousins about Robert’s treatment at this school and that they have said they are more than willing to all come out here and show us who is boss.
April 6: Abel asked me to make a fortune teller for him out of green construction paper. I was in the middle of taking attendance, so I told him I would make one for him, but he would have to wait a few minutes. “But it’s an emergency!,” he yelled desperately.
April 7: Lianna had a rabid dog in her improve scene with Brenna. The dog bit Brenna and she gently suggested that Lianna take him to a vet. “I have,” she said. “But they are so unhelpful. All they ever say is put him down. Put him down where?”
April 8: Nick keeps putting off talking to his family about help they could give us for the wedding. I find it strange he can’t just ask them. I guess that’s the difference, I have family and he has relatives.
April 9: The pizza here has cornmeal in the dough. When they brought it to our table, it wafted the unmistakable scent of corn bread.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, April 2, 2017
sharks, alligators, and bears combined
March 27: Corrie’s family dog has suddenly developed a paralyzing fear of bowls. She will only drink water that is squirted into her mouth using a turkey baster. Her mom has to dump her food directly onto the kitchen’s linoleum floor, and they feed her wet food.
March 28: A very daring person sat in this airline seat before me. They filled in half of the Southwest Magazine crossword puzzle in a thick, black pen. I finished the rest of it. It's strange to think that a complete team was made up of two people who will never meet.
March 29: But for arguments sake, let’s say someone did manage to creep up on an unusually inattentive cow. Could you really tip it over? (If you plan to try, keep in mind that the CDC estimates that 22 Americans are killed each year in bovine-related incidents; that’s more than the number of deaths caused by sharks, alligators, and bears combined.)
March 30: At the Exploratorium After Dark event, they had a two-way mirror and dials that adjusted the lighting so you could line your face up with someone else and see what happened when both of your features were combined. As an added surprise, there’s a blue button you can push that gave each person one half of the face. Nick was smiling while I has me mouth closed, which gave the immediate impression that I was looking at a dim painting of Batman super villian Two-Face.
March 31: Over the years, I have discovered the helpful but depressing fact that every time a dog’s name is featured in the name of a movie, the dog is going to die by the end. I was hoping Turner & Hooch would prove me wrong, but it did not.
April 1: Nick and I were in the fruit snack aisle when a man looked up from his phone with a shocked expression on his face and asked us if we had heard the news. Trump had resigned as president. This, of course, was an April Fool’s Day prank he had apparently unloaded multiple times. He’s playing a very dangerous game.
April 2: Today marks one year since we adopted George. We celebrated by shaving him completely because he got poop stuck in his butt hair again.
much love,
hedgie
March 28: A very daring person sat in this airline seat before me. They filled in half of the Southwest Magazine crossword puzzle in a thick, black pen. I finished the rest of it. It's strange to think that a complete team was made up of two people who will never meet.
March 29: But for arguments sake, let’s say someone did manage to creep up on an unusually inattentive cow. Could you really tip it over? (If you plan to try, keep in mind that the CDC estimates that 22 Americans are killed each year in bovine-related incidents; that’s more than the number of deaths caused by sharks, alligators, and bears combined.)
March 30: At the Exploratorium After Dark event, they had a two-way mirror and dials that adjusted the lighting so you could line your face up with someone else and see what happened when both of your features were combined. As an added surprise, there’s a blue button you can push that gave each person one half of the face. Nick was smiling while I has me mouth closed, which gave the immediate impression that I was looking at a dim painting of Batman super villian Two-Face.
March 31: Over the years, I have discovered the helpful but depressing fact that every time a dog’s name is featured in the name of a movie, the dog is going to die by the end. I was hoping Turner & Hooch would prove me wrong, but it did not.
April 1: Nick and I were in the fruit snack aisle when a man looked up from his phone with a shocked expression on his face and asked us if we had heard the news. Trump had resigned as president. This, of course, was an April Fool’s Day prank he had apparently unloaded multiple times. He’s playing a very dangerous game.
April 2: Today marks one year since we adopted George. We celebrated by shaving him completely because he got poop stuck in his butt hair again.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, March 26, 2017
otter pops
March 20: I went to grab the ice packs for my morning recess shift, but there wasn’t a single ice pack left. The principal had emptied the mini-fridge out and had refilled it with dozens of Otter Pops instead.
March 21: When I asked Abel if he had been learning any cool moves in his karate class, he got excited to show off his favorite to me and Miss Ana. He lay down on the blacktop and instructed one of us to get on top of him. When we both just told him to show us the move, he smiled widely and shifted his shoulders, smearing his neon green sweater with streaks of black. “This is it!” he yelled.
March 22: I tried to do the Dancing Raisins experiment with my STEM class so we could talk about air pockets and how air flow affects anything that flies. But I lost them all almost immediately when one of the third grade boys noticed I had a liter of diet soda in my bag. At the end of the test, they all gulped it down with the raisins, almonds, and M&Ms still floating in it.
March 23: The Friday before Spring Break, we are going to be down three teachers. Miss Connie has to go work at Hart Elementary, Miss Jen is taking off early to travel, and Mr. Fernando needs to practice for a play he is in. Mr. Fernando tried to comfort me about the situation, saying it wouldn’t be too bad because a lot of student probably wouldn’t show up. I pointed out that it was supposed to rain all day, which meant no outdoor recess at all. He sucked in his breath. “Yeah, you’re fucked.”
March 24: Robert didn’t want his Branch troll doll to get wet, so he put it on top of my clipboard during recess. It ended up falling into a puddle anyway, slightly dampening the spastic blue hair at the tips. Robert began crying hysterically. He rubbed his left fist against his sodden eyes and shook his right fist out towards the playground. “The wind will pay for this!” he furiously screamed without any hint of self-awareness.
March 25: The champagne we guzzled in the parking lot next to the graffitied port-o-potties was finally starting to get to me. All the wedding dresses I had tried on that day were blurring together and it was difficult to make a decision. My consultant only added to the confusion when she said I was having a ‘bridal moment’ and Heidi and I exchanged confused glances.
March 26: Katie was very upset that we only had powdered creamer in the house. She couldn’t understand how we expected her to be able to drink her coffee. Dad got up from the couch to get a pencil so he could work on the newspaper crossword puzzle. Katie straightened up from her spot on the floor. “While you’re up, can you get me some Half and Half?”
much love,
hedgie
March 21: When I asked Abel if he had been learning any cool moves in his karate class, he got excited to show off his favorite to me and Miss Ana. He lay down on the blacktop and instructed one of us to get on top of him. When we both just told him to show us the move, he smiled widely and shifted his shoulders, smearing his neon green sweater with streaks of black. “This is it!” he yelled.
March 22: I tried to do the Dancing Raisins experiment with my STEM class so we could talk about air pockets and how air flow affects anything that flies. But I lost them all almost immediately when one of the third grade boys noticed I had a liter of diet soda in my bag. At the end of the test, they all gulped it down with the raisins, almonds, and M&Ms still floating in it.
March 23: The Friday before Spring Break, we are going to be down three teachers. Miss Connie has to go work at Hart Elementary, Miss Jen is taking off early to travel, and Mr. Fernando needs to practice for a play he is in. Mr. Fernando tried to comfort me about the situation, saying it wouldn’t be too bad because a lot of student probably wouldn’t show up. I pointed out that it was supposed to rain all day, which meant no outdoor recess at all. He sucked in his breath. “Yeah, you’re fucked.”
March 24: Robert didn’t want his Branch troll doll to get wet, so he put it on top of my clipboard during recess. It ended up falling into a puddle anyway, slightly dampening the spastic blue hair at the tips. Robert began crying hysterically. He rubbed his left fist against his sodden eyes and shook his right fist out towards the playground. “The wind will pay for this!” he furiously screamed without any hint of self-awareness.
March 25: The champagne we guzzled in the parking lot next to the graffitied port-o-potties was finally starting to get to me. All the wedding dresses I had tried on that day were blurring together and it was difficult to make a decision. My consultant only added to the confusion when she said I was having a ‘bridal moment’ and Heidi and I exchanged confused glances.
March 26: Katie was very upset that we only had powdered creamer in the house. She couldn’t understand how we expected her to be able to drink her coffee. Dad got up from the couch to get a pencil so he could work on the newspaper crossword puzzle. Katie straightened up from her spot on the floor. “While you’re up, can you get me some Half and Half?”
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, March 19, 2017
the properties of light
March 13: Robert’s aunt is now contributing to the mass of angry emails. The new list of demands include that no parent volunteer is allowed to talk to Robert, the principal is not allowed to talk to Robert, and no member of the staff who does not have IEP training is allowed to talk to Robert. But she also requested a staff member whose sole job is to socialize him while no one at the school is allowed to approach him.
March 14: I’m not positive the new art teacher at the school has ever met children before. He emailed Melissa a worksheet that he wanted her to print out for each student in the class. It went over the properties of light for a class that Miss Jen has spent the last week teaching how to brush their teeth properly.
March 15: Today, Robert cried so hard when recess ended that he made himself throw up.
March 16: Nick taught me the word “boondoggle”, which is a word that is akin to the idiom “wild goose chase”. But to me, it sounds more like a euphemism for a buffalo’s penis.
March 17: Dora managed to slit the banana peel open with a thumbtack and pull out the banana without splaying out the skin. When the empty banana was held with the cut facing away, it was impossible to tell that there was anything wrong with it. She offered it to me and bashfully hid her face when the look of realization spread across my face. She was too shy to play the prank on other leaders, so she asked me to offer it to them while she crept silently in my wake.
March 18: We watched The Hateful Eight last night. The only thought that gave me comfort through the viewing was the knowledge that if I had been there, my death would most likely have been a quick one by bullet, as I am a tea drinker and would have avoided the suddenly-vomiting-blood poisoned coffee.
March 19: Urban Outfitters was stocked with overalls, neon colors, and jelly sandals. Apparently, the 90’s are coming back.
much love,
hedgie
March 14: I’m not positive the new art teacher at the school has ever met children before. He emailed Melissa a worksheet that he wanted her to print out for each student in the class. It went over the properties of light for a class that Miss Jen has spent the last week teaching how to brush their teeth properly.
March 15: Today, Robert cried so hard when recess ended that he made himself throw up.
March 16: Nick taught me the word “boondoggle”, which is a word that is akin to the idiom “wild goose chase”. But to me, it sounds more like a euphemism for a buffalo’s penis.
March 17: Dora managed to slit the banana peel open with a thumbtack and pull out the banana without splaying out the skin. When the empty banana was held with the cut facing away, it was impossible to tell that there was anything wrong with it. She offered it to me and bashfully hid her face when the look of realization spread across my face. She was too shy to play the prank on other leaders, so she asked me to offer it to them while she crept silently in my wake.
March 18: We watched The Hateful Eight last night. The only thought that gave me comfort through the viewing was the knowledge that if I had been there, my death would most likely have been a quick one by bullet, as I am a tea drinker and would have avoided the suddenly-vomiting-blood poisoned coffee.
March 19: Urban Outfitters was stocked with overalls, neon colors, and jelly sandals. Apparently, the 90’s are coming back.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, March 12, 2017
president george
March 6: Dora and Marvin set George on the day teacher’s swivel chair behind the U-shaped table. They set treats on the table in front of him and called him President George. Later, they wheeled him around the classroom to all of his very important meetings.
March 7: I taught my kids lie detection today and then we played 2 truths and 1 lie. Almost all of them choose one of their sentences to be that they loved me. Almost all of them cited it as one of their truths.
March 8: A third grader tattled on me to the principal. He actually went into the front office to complain about the ban on dodge ball. Now they know that Mr. Mendoza didn’t actually impose an embargo on the game. God help us all.
March 9: Gwendolyn declared today the day of poop. We couldn’t get away from it. Every guess in the whisper challenge was about poop. The chapter we read today was titled Mr. Poop. At 5:30 exactly, the girls still there demanded my laptop so that they could watch the “Poop in the Pool” Kid Snippets video.
March 10: Robert’s family is desperate to find a new scapegoat now that JP has moved. They have set their sights on David, the sweetest kid in the entire grade. The mother even blames the school for her being let go from her job a few months back.
March 11: I FaceTimed my family because it is Grannie’s 82nd birthday today and they all took her to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. Waunt claimed that the last time I FaceTimed them, it effected Goupie in a way that made her mysteriously limp for hours after seeing me.
March 12: Addie found a crab on the beach. She jabbed at it with her paws and when she was satisfied that it was really, truly dead, she peed on it. George was much more interested in the piles of horse poop from the Mar Vista Stable rides.
much love,
hedgie
March 7: I taught my kids lie detection today and then we played 2 truths and 1 lie. Almost all of them choose one of their sentences to be that they loved me. Almost all of them cited it as one of their truths.
March 8: A third grader tattled on me to the principal. He actually went into the front office to complain about the ban on dodge ball. Now they know that Mr. Mendoza didn’t actually impose an embargo on the game. God help us all.
March 9: Gwendolyn declared today the day of poop. We couldn’t get away from it. Every guess in the whisper challenge was about poop. The chapter we read today was titled Mr. Poop. At 5:30 exactly, the girls still there demanded my laptop so that they could watch the “Poop in the Pool” Kid Snippets video.
March 10: Robert’s family is desperate to find a new scapegoat now that JP has moved. They have set their sights on David, the sweetest kid in the entire grade. The mother even blames the school for her being let go from her job a few months back.
March 11: I FaceTimed my family because it is Grannie’s 82nd birthday today and they all took her to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. Waunt claimed that the last time I FaceTimed them, it effected Goupie in a way that made her mysteriously limp for hours after seeing me.
March 12: Addie found a crab on the beach. She jabbed at it with her paws and when she was satisfied that it was really, truly dead, she peed on it. George was much more interested in the piles of horse poop from the Mar Vista Stable rides.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, March 5, 2017
we do not have witnesses
February 27: The second grade girls opened up a tattoo parlor with Shanah’s set of gel pens. Gwendolyn decided to tattoo a dancing banana in a dress on my right hand. She ended up drawing a long, yellow banana with huge, blue circles for shoes. Skye snapchatted it.
February 28: Abel threw up before program started. As soon as he found out we were going to Garfield Park, he insisted on joining us and bringing a bucket with him in case he needed to vomit again.
March 1: There’s been an outbreak of lice at school. Miss Jen and Miss Melissa spend most mornings braiding each others' hair and parents keep asking me why I am always wearing my beanie inside.
March 2: Duolingo taught me “Ademรกs, no tenemos testigos” (Besides, we do not have witnesses) and “¿Tienes enemigos? (Do you have enemies). Finally, some useful phrases.
March 3: The Lorax table wasn’t very popular on Dr. Seuss Day. It was full of papers to write a few sentences and draw a picture of what we would do to help the earth if we were the Lorax. I tried to fill out a few to get some kids interested. I wrote I would adopt more dogs and asked Angel what color I should make my dogs. He insisted on green, that way it would be a poisonous puppy.
March 4: The rain today was sudden and heavy, resulting in shrill yelps from everyone caught outside. I sat by the window for 15 minutes and watched families run screaming in every direction as they searched for shelter.
March 5: I got a tune stuck in my head. When Nick looked it up, he found out it was “The Farmer in the Dell”. Lyrics include: The farmer takes a wife, the wife takes a child, and the cat takes the mouse. All the “takes” confuse me. Did the wife steal or eat that baby?
much love,
hedgie
February 28: Abel threw up before program started. As soon as he found out we were going to Garfield Park, he insisted on joining us and bringing a bucket with him in case he needed to vomit again.
March 1: There’s been an outbreak of lice at school. Miss Jen and Miss Melissa spend most mornings braiding each others' hair and parents keep asking me why I am always wearing my beanie inside.
March 2: Duolingo taught me “Ademรกs, no tenemos testigos” (Besides, we do not have witnesses) and “¿Tienes enemigos? (Do you have enemies). Finally, some useful phrases.
March 3: The Lorax table wasn’t very popular on Dr. Seuss Day. It was full of papers to write a few sentences and draw a picture of what we would do to help the earth if we were the Lorax. I tried to fill out a few to get some kids interested. I wrote I would adopt more dogs and asked Angel what color I should make my dogs. He insisted on green, that way it would be a poisonous puppy.
March 4: The rain today was sudden and heavy, resulting in shrill yelps from everyone caught outside. I sat by the window for 15 minutes and watched families run screaming in every direction as they searched for shelter.
March 5: I got a tune stuck in my head. When Nick looked it up, he found out it was “The Farmer in the Dell”. Lyrics include: The farmer takes a wife, the wife takes a child, and the cat takes the mouse. All the “takes” confuse me. Did the wife steal or eat that baby?
much love,
hedgie
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