January 9: Abel tried to ditch me today by saying he had a very important meeting with his new speech therapy teacher and he had to leave immediately. I told him that he wasn’t going anywhere without a teacher. He later convinced the librarian to take him to the library so that he could borrow an origami book. Then he very happily confessed to me that the whole speech therapy thing was a lie so he could borrow the book.
January 10: Jen showed us a video of a man who brought in a raccoon carcass into a McDonald’s and put it on the table. The man filming the scene narrated what was happening, screaming ‘fuck’ repeatedly until the man got up and walked away, leaving the dead raccoon where it was. The filmer’s profanity paused only to declare that this could only happen in San Francisco.
January 11: I received my 23andMe results today. They have a section that puts me into weirdly specific categories based on my genetics. I am likely to be able smell asparagus odor in my urine, I am likely to have cilantro taste aversion, and I am less likely to hate the sound of people chewing.
January 12: We overlapped all four sleds together and manage to get all nine of us onto it. Brandon called it the human sled-ipede, but Emily was not a fan of that. It was slippery and difficult to stay together while creeping toward the summit of the hill. A few dads at the top of the hill helped push us down the hill while everyone wrapped their legs around the waist of the person seated in front of them. We didn’t go far, but we managed to stay attached.
January 13: Aaron regretted that we didn’t make the whole weekend Donner Party themed. We could have eaten ribs and made gingerbread people, all decorated to look like us. Brandon was already suggesting that we eat Phil first.
Emily squinted her eyes as she thought about it. “I don’t know,” she said. “I’ve already had my Phil.”
“Besides,” I said. “He wouldn’t give much variety. He’s all dark meat.”
January 14: The walkie talkie crackled into life. “Code five!” Ms. Amy screamed. “We have a code five in the cafeteria.” The fear in her voice and the screams in the background made her sound like she was in the middle of a war zone.
January 15: We talked about gateway behaviors, actions that usually incite fights or frustrations, like talking out of turn and name-calling. Their activity was to make a wanted poster about those behaviors and list what they look like and when they tend to show up. My example was Show-off Sally, who tells people she’s better than them and she shows up during kickball games. Milo came up with Gossiping Gorgon, complete with fangs and snake hair.
January 16: The training gave a list of ways to help us get children prepared for taking leadership roles. One of them was positive encouragement. I almost laughed at the fact that they felt the need to specifically label the encouragement as positive. I tried to imagine someone giving negative encouragement. A teacher screaming that a student is doing fucking amazing before drop kicking them out the second story window.
January 17: Miss Connie told me about being woken up by an earthquake around six in the morning. This was the second night in a row that this has happened. It was a little rumble and she compared it to a pig scratching its butt on a post. “You know what I’m talking about,” she asked. I really had no idea.
much love,
hedgie
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