Wednesday, January 31, 2018

chanel no. lice

January 25: Abel opened his backpack. He had left behind his homework folder, his glasses, and his jacket, but he made sure to pack a softball-sized knot of pipe cleaners.

January 26: Reading Partners runs from Monday through Thursday. But this doesn’t stop the same volunteer from coming in every Friday and then complaining that she wasn’t told to not come in.

January 27: Nick’s dad brought up grand children three times within one hour. I don’t know if there is enough wine in the world to get me through the rest of this dinner.

January 28: It’s strange that now that Nick and I are married, we get put in separate beds when we spend the night at his parents’ place. Not quite sure how his dad expects us to make those grandchildren like this.

January 29: Edwin found a jester hat in the bungalow and as soon as he set it on his head, he seemed to be possessed by a middle-aged father of three. He told bad joke after bad joke, ending with him questioning why New Zealand is called New Zealand when it isn’t very new.

January 30: My class broke a new record today. Seven students were crying at the same time and one of them wasn’t even one of my kids. It’s ridiculous because these kids are simultaneously the toughest and the wimpiest kids I know. If they hear a series of gunshots, they don’t bat an eye, but if they think someone looked at them funny, there’s a half hour-long water show.

January 31: Jen and I mixed concoctions of essential oils for everyone at work. I made roll ons for calming smells. Jen made an anti-lice spray that she dubbed “Chanel No. Lice”.




much love,
hedgie


Wednesday, January 24, 2018

i'm so angry i could grate cheese

January 17: I was in charge of the anatomy station during the Health Camp Kickoff, where my job was to lead a game where kids list as many body parts as they can in five minutes. The first question I got every game was whether or not they were allowed to write penis.

January 18: It was secret Tootles day. Milo got Benjamin. The nicest thing she could think of to say to him was that he was rude to girls and needed to work on his ability to clean up dominoes.

January 19: It finally happened. One of my students gave me an apple. Cliché completed. 
And Jazmine does not want to join my circus acts elective because she already knows how to “jiggle”

January 20: The government shut down again. So that’s fun.

January 21: I finished the second draft of The Scribbler today! Mary is now an orphan and Maybel compulsively builds an operating theater out of books.

January 22: I don’t know where they all came from, but my kids covered my laptop with sticky googly eyes. It’s making me kind of uncomfortable every time I need to use it.

January 23: As the students filed into my classroom, two out of every three of them asked me why they were there and informed me that they didn’t even choose my elective and they didn’t want to be here. Then they asked if I would give them the hacky sacks at the end of the class.

January 24: A handful of students were talking as we walked down the hallway, so I gave the whole class one minute of practicing lines. Luna was near the back of the line. Her eyes narrowed and she gripped his pencil case hard in her hand. “I’m so angry I could grate cheese.”




much love,
hedgie

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

tongue emoji from their father-in-law

January 9: Ana looked so tired this morning that when she ordered a medium coffee, the barista offered to upgrade her to a large for free.

January 10: Turns out Mission Graduates is being sued. A woman slipped in a puddle just outside the doors of our cafeteria and got a daytime commercial lawyer who decided to sue us because the surveillance footage showed Mr. Chris discovering the puddle and trying to clean it up.

January 11: Maria had her kids write lines as punishment for bad behavior. She must not have explained what to do enough because one of her students turned in a piece of paper with ten actual lines drawn across it.

January 12: The kids complained that the 50 point Jeopardy question under the category of Recess was too easy. It asked about the correct way to respond when someone asks to play with you, the answer being yes. Then I asked them if it was so easy, then why do I see so many of them forgetting the correct answer out on the playground?

January 13: Nick’s dad obtained a smoker last week and has been sending out the names of recipes from the book in group texts for the last few days. Each text has at least two variations of “yummy” and three emojis. There is not a good enough reason for anyone to receive a tongue emoji from their father-in-law.

January 14: I neglected to bring three hacks sacks home from work, so I am stuck trying to learn how to juggle with tennis balls while two dogs circle me like great white sharks.

January 15: Reading “Station Eleven” when everyone, including Nick, was succumbing to an inescapable flu was probably a bad idea. Every time he coughs and his voice sounds like his throat is coated in a thick layer of honey, I grow more paranoid that the end of the world is drawing nearer.

January 16: Abel has a tendency to wander off, so his mom always dresses him in neon colors to make it easier for us and for her to spot him when he does. Today he noticed that I have a new laptop. Then he asked if I had transferred Netflix to it and if he could watch Yugioh.



much love,
hedgie

Monday, January 8, 2018

21 kids but only 16 seats

January 1: The wood floors of 221b Baker Street creaked under our feet and I was surprised to discover that neither Mrs. Hudson nor Watson have a bed in their bedrooms. I was also constantly surprised by gaunt was figures that were perfectly placed so that you would not see them until you turned the corner and had a panic attack.

January 2: Charles Dickens used to write at The Anchor Pub, but by far its coolest fact was that our tour guide’s dad had his stag party here and was tied to the lamppost while he was completely naked and his shoes were sent home in a cab.

January 3: Nick was pulled out of the audience twice during our London Dungeon tour. One was so he could get some blood-letting done by the plague doctor’s assistant and again when he was put on trial for robbing a stage coach. I guess that’s what happens when you wear a bright orange jacket to a live performance piece.

January 4: We explored the Herb Garrett Operating Theater today. It was so strange to finally be there in person and to see the table Maybel had been tied to, the stairs the killer descended with the missing Lusk kidney, and the door that the possessed girl storms through to exact her revenge.

January 5: We boarded the plane in Iceland at 5:05PM on Friday night for an eight hour flight and landed in Seattle at 5:05PM on Friday night.

January 6: I think I finally solved the riddle of George’s bouncy walk. He moves his legs wrong. While most dogs move their front left paw to match their back right paw and the front right paw to match their back left paw, George walks entirely on one side before moving to the other.

January 7: I miss my kids, but I have a feeling that half an hour back at school will make me wonder what exactly it was about them that I missed.

January 8: We switched classrooms today and Melissa wanted us to try having all the third graders in one class and all the fourth graders in another, which now means I have 21 kids but only 16 seats.




much love,
hedgie