April 24: It was another hot day and I brought my spray bottle to recess. This time, I told them that the way to show me that they wanted to be sprayed was by paying me a compliment. At first, they complimented me for being a great teacher. Then they had to move on to saying they liked my clothes, my hair, the pins in my lanyard. Luna was having trouble thinking of something new. She stood in front of me for a few moments, tapping her foot on the ground as she searched the recesses of her mind fr something kind to say. “You’re almost as cool as I am.”
I smiled, accepted, and shot a stream of lukewarm tap water into her face.
April 25: We did Blackout Poetry today. I gave my students pages from books that were already falling apart and they highlighted the words they liked to form a sentence and blacked out everything else so only their chosen words remained. Luna was one of the first to finish. Her read: Give me back my heart and my wagons.
April 26: The dance class took over the cafeteria, so we had to do the slime party in the front yard. Miss Patty was supposed to be on response duty while we were with the students who had earned enough tickets to participate. Instead, she stood by as and watched us set up, saying she was really glad we got stuck with this job, otherwise, she might be the one who had to do it. Then while in the middle of making slime with the kids, she decided she wanted some. She went up to each of us individually and shoved a bowl in our faces, asking if we could give her some. She did this to people who were very busy helping kids mix their slime, to people who had the food coloring and were nowhere near the slime, and when half the kids hadn’t gotten their share yet. Then she kept playing with the part she managed to snag and talking about how the teachers were going to be mad at her for not being in the classrooms like she was supposed to.
April 27: We have to grind Addie’s nails because years ago, Nick cut her wick while clipping her nails and now she starts screeching if we get the clippers anywhere near her paws. It is a two-person operation to grind her nails. We both put on face masks and I pull Addie into my lap with her legs sticking up into the air. I wrap my arms around her, just under her front legs, and put one leg around her hips to keep her in place. Even then, it’s difficult to keep her still and she often smashes the top of her head into my face.
April 28: I started writing this novel a year ago. I am at chapter 22 of 26. I have written 85,725 words. And the closer I get to completing it, the more I am struck with fear. I can’t keep worrying that I could spend years of my life working on something that no one will want.
April 29: Only one of the four soccer coaches was able to show up today. He was used to having maybe four kids per teacher and he was now greatly outnumbered by the kids and was having trouble getting all of them to focus and work together. He tried to see how many hits they could get before the volleyball hit the ground. They averaged 3. Then I told them I would buy them all ice cream if they got to 20. On the next round, they jumped up to 13.
April 30: Fernando’s boys aren’t allowed to go in pairs to the bathroom anymore. They have to go one at a time and all three immediately said they needed the restroom as soon as they came in from recess for Yearbook Squad. I told them they would have to wait fifteen minutes because I called for bathroom/water five minutes before recess ended and that was their time to go. Vincent immediately said he was going to pee both on himself and on Teacher Patel’s desk. I told him to go ahead. I’m sure his mother would love to hear me tell that story. It’s so strange to watch 11-year olds think they are so tough and gangster when they are so tiny.
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
DJ Tendinitis
April 17: The boys were having trouble focusing on the STEM project, so I put them into different groups. Dora and Gwendolyn had already worked out a plan when he finally went over. He didn’t like it. He sat with his arms crossed and the only words that left his mouth were “It’s not going to work”. They taped the dixie cups to the bottom of their boat and he was sure that it would sink. When it was time for them to present their creation, Acie sat in the back and cupped his hands over his mouth to make sure that he drowned out everything they said with “It’s bad! It’s bad!”. I had to get Miss Melissa to remove him. When the class settled down after his exit, we tested Dora and Gwendolyn’s boat. It worked.
April 18: It was so hot during recess that a few of my kids snuck to the garden, filled the watering cans, and watered each other. I told them before recess that they were not allowed to play any water games. Miss Jessica told them to stop when she saw it happening. Mr. Fernando told them to also stop when he saw it happening. Allison ended up so soaked that she had to wring out her shirt. Even then, she was too sopping wet to go into a classroom during electives.
April 19: Miss Connie was out sick today, so Miss Melissa took over her class. One of her boys kept pulling at the crotch of his pants. Miss Melissa went over to him and squatted down to get to his eye-level. “Do you need to go potty?”
“No,” he answered casually. “I’m just stretching my penis.”
Miss Melissa immediately stood up. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do about that. She threw her arms up in the air. “I guess.”
April 20: All the electronic traffic signs on the freeway reminded everyone that if they drive high, they will get a DUI. I read the rhyme about a dozen times before I finally figured out that it was 4/20 today.
April 21: It has been well over a year since all these people were gathered in one place. The phrase I heard most often was “so what have you been up to?”. The question was never once directed at me.
April 22: The bread lady came back again today with another load of bread that was the size of a newborn baby. One of our late pickups, a first grader, wanted to take one home. She waited until she saw her mom walking towards the bungalow through the window and then ran to stand right behind the door. As soon as her mom opened the door, she got too excited and swung the loaf of bread directly into her face.
April 23: The staff meeting was all about showing appreciation for each other. The directors were all given a day’s notice to give us all award titles that were printed on gold address labels and stuck onto plastic award topped with a gold star. Melissa was given “Most Inspirational Leader”. Ana got “Best Chef/Security Guard/IT Person/Mom”. Mr. Chris had “The Nicest Person in the world. Miss Vivi was the “Four Square Champion”. Miss Connie was “The Kinder Whisperer”. Fernando won for “Most Patient and Best at Power Naps”. I won had “Most Likely to Have a Fun Fact”. Miss Maria had the award for “Most Popping DJ”. She almost dropped her award because she was wearing a new wrist brace and we dubbed her “DJ Tendinitis”. We let Edwin give Miss Jen her “Loca Mama” award, but he got confused and read that she got the award for “Local Momo”.
much love,
hedgie
April 18: It was so hot during recess that a few of my kids snuck to the garden, filled the watering cans, and watered each other. I told them before recess that they were not allowed to play any water games. Miss Jessica told them to stop when she saw it happening. Mr. Fernando told them to also stop when he saw it happening. Allison ended up so soaked that she had to wring out her shirt. Even then, she was too sopping wet to go into a classroom during electives.
April 19: Miss Connie was out sick today, so Miss Melissa took over her class. One of her boys kept pulling at the crotch of his pants. Miss Melissa went over to him and squatted down to get to his eye-level. “Do you need to go potty?”
“No,” he answered casually. “I’m just stretching my penis.”
Miss Melissa immediately stood up. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do about that. She threw her arms up in the air. “I guess.”
April 20: All the electronic traffic signs on the freeway reminded everyone that if they drive high, they will get a DUI. I read the rhyme about a dozen times before I finally figured out that it was 4/20 today.
April 21: It has been well over a year since all these people were gathered in one place. The phrase I heard most often was “so what have you been up to?”. The question was never once directed at me.
April 22: The bread lady came back again today with another load of bread that was the size of a newborn baby. One of our late pickups, a first grader, wanted to take one home. She waited until she saw her mom walking towards the bungalow through the window and then ran to stand right behind the door. As soon as her mom opened the door, she got too excited and swung the loaf of bread directly into her face.
April 23: The staff meeting was all about showing appreciation for each other. The directors were all given a day’s notice to give us all award titles that were printed on gold address labels and stuck onto plastic award topped with a gold star. Melissa was given “Most Inspirational Leader”. Ana got “Best Chef/Security Guard/IT Person/Mom”. Mr. Chris had “The Nicest Person in the world. Miss Vivi was the “Four Square Champion”. Miss Connie was “The Kinder Whisperer”. Fernando won for “Most Patient and Best at Power Naps”. I won had “Most Likely to Have a Fun Fact”. Miss Maria had the award for “Most Popping DJ”. She almost dropped her award because she was wearing a new wrist brace and we dubbed her “DJ Tendinitis”. We let Edwin give Miss Jen her “Loca Mama” award, but he got confused and read that she got the award for “Local Momo”.
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
roughly 85% popcorn kernels
April 8: We finally had all the Monday Clubs today. Volleyball was just wrapping up when it began to sprinkle. I was about to lead them back into the school when the fire alarm was pulled. We were all forced to stand in the rain for ten minutes. None of us were prepared for rain, so no one was wearing waterproof clothes. Half the kids didn’t even bring jackets today. There was also a man on the other side of the park who danced in the rain the entire time. It was a very off-kilter day.
April 9: Kelly was the Teacher’s Assistant today and the power went to her head. She sprinted across the cafeteria to be the first in line for snack and gave line up minutes to the kids in class that she did not like. I watched her as she gave Orlando two minutes even though he was sitting quietly and eating his orange at the opposite end of the table. And I’m almost certain she took a bribe of Goldfish Crackers when it was time for her to choose the two students who wiped down the table before we went out to recess.
April 10: Only one egg survived the egg drop challenge, but I’m not sure if it counts because they got too excited and cracked their original egg before I could finish giving everyone their supplies.
April 11: I told everyone at work about the time I tried to play Heads Up, a phone-version of the game Taboo. It was on the category of “Accents and Impressions”, which got very uncomfortable very quickly because no one knew how to play it without becoming racist. Jen didn’t think it would be that hard. I asked how she would play “Italian” and she immediately started naming types of pasta. Then I asked how she would play “Japanese” and she said konichiwa before quickly moving onto Japanese-sounding gibberish. Shoomi-shoomi and other things that just further proved my point. Then I asked how she would play “White”. Maria jumped in by yelling that she would like to speak to a manager. Jen held her hand to her mouth like she was speaking into a phone. “Hello, 911? They are out here barbecuing!”
April 12:
April 14: The Italian deli on Valencia is closing soon. I wondered if they would sell the giant cuts of prosciutto at a discount when they got closer to that day.
“What would we even do with that amount of prosciutto? Sell it on the black market.”
“Maybe we could also buy one of the slicers. I’ll wear a trench coat lined with baggies of it. I will be known as The Mission Pork Princess.”
April 15: Briana made a cat’s cradle with her string. She asked me to stick my hand down through the center opening. When I did, she dropped the two outer openings so that I was left with the string looped once loosely around my wrist. She made a second cat’s cradle with the larger circle left over and asked me to put my hand up through the center opening. She dropped the string from every finger but her thumbs and yanked hard. The string was now an empty circle in her hands as if it had cut through my bones and muscles. I immediately yanked my hand into my sleeve and yelped. I held the handless sleeve up to her and screamed, “What have you done, Briana? What have you done?”
April 16: George suddenly discovered the box of microwaveable popcorn we have kept on the bottom shelf since we first got him three years ago. His poop this morning was roughly 85% popcorn kernels.
much love,
hedgie
April 9: Kelly was the Teacher’s Assistant today and the power went to her head. She sprinted across the cafeteria to be the first in line for snack and gave line up minutes to the kids in class that she did not like. I watched her as she gave Orlando two minutes even though he was sitting quietly and eating his orange at the opposite end of the table. And I’m almost certain she took a bribe of Goldfish Crackers when it was time for her to choose the two students who wiped down the table before we went out to recess.
April 10: Only one egg survived the egg drop challenge, but I’m not sure if it counts because they got too excited and cracked their original egg before I could finish giving everyone their supplies.
April 11: I told everyone at work about the time I tried to play Heads Up, a phone-version of the game Taboo. It was on the category of “Accents and Impressions”, which got very uncomfortable very quickly because no one knew how to play it without becoming racist. Jen didn’t think it would be that hard. I asked how she would play “Italian” and she immediately started naming types of pasta. Then I asked how she would play “Japanese” and she said konichiwa before quickly moving onto Japanese-sounding gibberish. Shoomi-shoomi and other things that just further proved my point. Then I asked how she would play “White”. Maria jumped in by yelling that she would like to speak to a manager. Jen held her hand to her mouth like she was speaking into a phone. “Hello, 911? They are out here barbecuing!”
April 12:
Johana got confused when Moana’s grandmother showed up again in the movie as a sparking blue creature who could appear and vanish within seconds.
“She died!” Briana shouted at her.
“That’s her spirit,” Luna explained, only a little more patiently.
Johana still didn’t quite understand the concept. She just got more confused when the blue visions started incorporating her ancestors, hundreds of men and women sailing on boats across the sea. She looked up at me with her mouth hanging open and her eyebrows sunk close to the bridge of her nose. “Wait. Did the boats die too?”
“She died!” Briana shouted at her.
“That’s her spirit,” Luna explained, only a little more patiently.
Johana still didn’t quite understand the concept. She just got more confused when the blue visions started incorporating her ancestors, hundreds of men and women sailing on boats across the sea. She looked up at me with her mouth hanging open and her eyebrows sunk close to the bridge of her nose. “Wait. Did the boats die too?”
And
My hair has grown out long enough that I can put it up now. I put my hair in a ponytail today and three of my kids claimed they could no longer recognize me because of it.
April 13: Whenever I go online, I read about how scared men are to approach women now. How the feminists are ruining everything because now they think twice before touching people. I smile and know that I am raising a whole generation of little girls that are going to be their worst nightmare.April 14: The Italian deli on Valencia is closing soon. I wondered if they would sell the giant cuts of prosciutto at a discount when they got closer to that day.
“What would we even do with that amount of prosciutto? Sell it on the black market.”
“Maybe we could also buy one of the slicers. I’ll wear a trench coat lined with baggies of it. I will be known as The Mission Pork Princess.”
April 15: Briana made a cat’s cradle with her string. She asked me to stick my hand down through the center opening. When I did, she dropped the two outer openings so that I was left with the string looped once loosely around my wrist. She made a second cat’s cradle with the larger circle left over and asked me to put my hand up through the center opening. She dropped the string from every finger but her thumbs and yanked hard. The string was now an empty circle in her hands as if it had cut through my bones and muscles. I immediately yanked my hand into my sleeve and yelped. I held the handless sleeve up to her and screamed, “What have you done, Briana? What have you done?”
April 16: George suddenly discovered the box of microwaveable popcorn we have kept on the bottom shelf since we first got him three years ago. His poop this morning was roughly 85% popcorn kernels.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, April 7, 2019
mountain of frosting
April 1: My journal prompt today was for everyone to describe a prank they would like to play on their families. Almost all of them said they would do the Oreo prank where they scrape out the frosting from between the two cookies and replace it with toothpaste. But I think that mostly has to do with them wanting to eat the mountain of frosting that would be leftover.
April 2: We don’t have the same way of fixing problems. When his dad asks us about what we have been up to lately and Nick describes our recent vacation, he reacts by either telling us that sounds boring or that it is somehow a scam. Nick wants to fight back by proving his dad wrong, telling him about how fun it actually was. I want to fight back by showing him its not okay to treat people this way. You can’t demand someone share something personal with you, immediately dismiss it, and then expect them to keep talking to you. It’s like how he responds when I talk about how distant his family is to me. He will say that my family is better at that kind of thing. But what I want him to realize is that it’s not okay for me to be treated this way. It’s not okay for a group of people to repeatedly make me feel like I don’t matter.
Sometimes, it feels like his family only values people based on what services they can provide for them. That’s why they don’t really care for me. I only give Nick benefits. And that’s why his sister will make plans to stay with us and spend most of the time with other people, because she sees us mainly as a free place to stay in the city and a free car rental. And why Nick has such trouble keeping relationships going when he doesn’t see them everyday. He sees them more as a thing of entertainment or help rather than people. This would also explain why he would get so mad when I had interests outside of him when he lived in San Diego. It ate into the time that was supposed to be devoted to his needs. When we see my friends and family, I don’t expect anything from them besides some of their time. Even if we just sit in the house watching TV, all any of us want is to be near each other.
April 3: Kiara’s mom complained to my bosses that I don’t respond often enough when she texts me to send Kiara down with all of her stuff. Miss Ana told her how I try my hardest, but that I can’t actually answer my phone when I am teaching and how I’m not even supposed to be using my phone unless it is an emergency. She told Kiara’s mom that she needs to find her or any teacher downstairs and they will walkie me when Kiara needs to go home. Kiara’s mom’s response was to make it worse. Now she texts both Miss Ana and me. And she isn’t even going on campus anymore, she tells us to send Kiara out to the front gate, which I’m pretty sure is illegal since we never actually see an approved adult take her.
April 4: We have been having problems with kids being on their cellphones too much during program, especially in the bathroom and under the flower overhang in the garden. Mr. Fernando has even resorted to putting all his students’ cellphones in a bucket and carrying it with him until he can give it to their parents at pick up. Miss Melissa came to my class to give them a lecture about what they can and can’t do with their phones. Abel took up about five minutes asking extremely detailed questions, such as what to do when his brother has called him three times and has left voicemails every time. Miss Melissa later admitted to me that she would not have spent nearly as long answering his questions if she had known that he doesn’t even have a cellphone.
April 5: The classroom smelled slightly like vinegar when I unlocked the door. All the windows were still closed for some reason, and I opened them all to let the breeze in. When my kids entered, like acted like it was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to anyone. They wretched and screamed. A few came running back outside, claiming they couldn’t be in there. They claimed it smelled like diarrhea.
April 6: We have been meeting with our counselor in a new room. It has shelves of toys running along the back wall. It’s the wall we face during the session, so it can be pretty distracting. Sometimes, it’s easier to look at an electric blue dinosaur than talk about what fills me with dread. She says that they usually use the toys during sessions with kids. They have the child pick a few, ones to represent themselves and other aspects of their lives and then have them interact with each other. I wondered if this strategy might work best on my kids or between Nick and me.
April 7: When I taught Girl Power, we spent 15 minutes at the start of every class to have a check-in. They would mostly talk about things that we’re bothering them. They were the sort of things I had been dealing with all my life and was sad to hear were already affecting them when most of them were only 9. They hated their bodies and had already been told they were fat and should go on diets. They had been told they aren’t as smart as boys and they gossip too much. They dropped the soccer team when they were disgusted by the constant “ballsack” jokes all the boys made. I would end the check-ins with quotes from the woman of the week and I would go on to teach my lesson, pretending I had the same courage they had.
Spending the day with Nick’s family made me feel so helpless and stupid. They said the same hurtful and sexist things that my girls had heard too many times and I just sat there, saying nothing. How women don’t drive as well as men and how Christiana should wear a really short skirt to her in-person interview if she wants the job. I didn’t try to stop them, so they just kept going. It made me feel like I had failed my class.
much love,
hedgie
April 2: We don’t have the same way of fixing problems. When his dad asks us about what we have been up to lately and Nick describes our recent vacation, he reacts by either telling us that sounds boring or that it is somehow a scam. Nick wants to fight back by proving his dad wrong, telling him about how fun it actually was. I want to fight back by showing him its not okay to treat people this way. You can’t demand someone share something personal with you, immediately dismiss it, and then expect them to keep talking to you. It’s like how he responds when I talk about how distant his family is to me. He will say that my family is better at that kind of thing. But what I want him to realize is that it’s not okay for me to be treated this way. It’s not okay for a group of people to repeatedly make me feel like I don’t matter.
Sometimes, it feels like his family only values people based on what services they can provide for them. That’s why they don’t really care for me. I only give Nick benefits. And that’s why his sister will make plans to stay with us and spend most of the time with other people, because she sees us mainly as a free place to stay in the city and a free car rental. And why Nick has such trouble keeping relationships going when he doesn’t see them everyday. He sees them more as a thing of entertainment or help rather than people. This would also explain why he would get so mad when I had interests outside of him when he lived in San Diego. It ate into the time that was supposed to be devoted to his needs. When we see my friends and family, I don’t expect anything from them besides some of their time. Even if we just sit in the house watching TV, all any of us want is to be near each other.
April 3: Kiara’s mom complained to my bosses that I don’t respond often enough when she texts me to send Kiara down with all of her stuff. Miss Ana told her how I try my hardest, but that I can’t actually answer my phone when I am teaching and how I’m not even supposed to be using my phone unless it is an emergency. She told Kiara’s mom that she needs to find her or any teacher downstairs and they will walkie me when Kiara needs to go home. Kiara’s mom’s response was to make it worse. Now she texts both Miss Ana and me. And she isn’t even going on campus anymore, she tells us to send Kiara out to the front gate, which I’m pretty sure is illegal since we never actually see an approved adult take her.
April 4: We have been having problems with kids being on their cellphones too much during program, especially in the bathroom and under the flower overhang in the garden. Mr. Fernando has even resorted to putting all his students’ cellphones in a bucket and carrying it with him until he can give it to their parents at pick up. Miss Melissa came to my class to give them a lecture about what they can and can’t do with their phones. Abel took up about five minutes asking extremely detailed questions, such as what to do when his brother has called him three times and has left voicemails every time. Miss Melissa later admitted to me that she would not have spent nearly as long answering his questions if she had known that he doesn’t even have a cellphone.
April 5: The classroom smelled slightly like vinegar when I unlocked the door. All the windows were still closed for some reason, and I opened them all to let the breeze in. When my kids entered, like acted like it was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to anyone. They wretched and screamed. A few came running back outside, claiming they couldn’t be in there. They claimed it smelled like diarrhea.
April 6: We have been meeting with our counselor in a new room. It has shelves of toys running along the back wall. It’s the wall we face during the session, so it can be pretty distracting. Sometimes, it’s easier to look at an electric blue dinosaur than talk about what fills me with dread. She says that they usually use the toys during sessions with kids. They have the child pick a few, ones to represent themselves and other aspects of their lives and then have them interact with each other. I wondered if this strategy might work best on my kids or between Nick and me.
April 7: When I taught Girl Power, we spent 15 minutes at the start of every class to have a check-in. They would mostly talk about things that we’re bothering them. They were the sort of things I had been dealing with all my life and was sad to hear were already affecting them when most of them were only 9. They hated their bodies and had already been told they were fat and should go on diets. They had been told they aren’t as smart as boys and they gossip too much. They dropped the soccer team when they were disgusted by the constant “ballsack” jokes all the boys made. I would end the check-ins with quotes from the woman of the week and I would go on to teach my lesson, pretending I had the same courage they had.
Spending the day with Nick’s family made me feel so helpless and stupid. They said the same hurtful and sexist things that my girls had heard too many times and I just sat there, saying nothing. How women don’t drive as well as men and how Christiana should wear a really short skirt to her in-person interview if she wants the job. I didn’t try to stop them, so they just kept going. It made me feel like I had failed my class.
much love,
hedgie
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