April 1: My journal prompt today was for everyone to describe a prank they would like to play on their families. Almost all of them said they would do the Oreo prank where they scrape out the frosting from between the two cookies and replace it with toothpaste. But I think that mostly has to do with them wanting to eat the mountain of frosting that would be leftover.
April 2: We don’t have the same way of fixing problems. When his dad asks us about what we have been up to lately and Nick describes our recent vacation, he reacts by either telling us that sounds boring or that it is somehow a scam. Nick wants to fight back by proving his dad wrong, telling him about how fun it actually was. I want to fight back by showing him its not okay to treat people this way. You can’t demand someone share something personal with you, immediately dismiss it, and then expect them to keep talking to you. It’s like how he responds when I talk about how distant his family is to me. He will say that my family is better at that kind of thing. But what I want him to realize is that it’s not okay for me to be treated this way. It’s not okay for a group of people to repeatedly make me feel like I don’t matter.
Sometimes, it feels like his family only values people based on what services they can provide for them. That’s why they don’t really care for me. I only give Nick benefits. And that’s why his sister will make plans to stay with us and spend most of the time with other people, because she sees us mainly as a free place to stay in the city and a free car rental. And why Nick has such trouble keeping relationships going when he doesn’t see them everyday. He sees them more as a thing of entertainment or help rather than people. This would also explain why he would get so mad when I had interests outside of him when he lived in San Diego. It ate into the time that was supposed to be devoted to his needs. When we see my friends and family, I don’t expect anything from them besides some of their time. Even if we just sit in the house watching TV, all any of us want is to be near each other.
April 3: Kiara’s mom complained to my bosses that I don’t respond often enough when she texts me to send Kiara down with all of her stuff. Miss Ana told her how I try my hardest, but that I can’t actually answer my phone when I am teaching and how I’m not even supposed to be using my phone unless it is an emergency. She told Kiara’s mom that she needs to find her or any teacher downstairs and they will walkie me when Kiara needs to go home. Kiara’s mom’s response was to make it worse. Now she texts both Miss Ana and me. And she isn’t even going on campus anymore, she tells us to send Kiara out to the front gate, which I’m pretty sure is illegal since we never actually see an approved adult take her.
April 4: We have been having problems with kids being on their cellphones too much during program, especially in the bathroom and under the flower overhang in the garden. Mr. Fernando has even resorted to putting all his students’ cellphones in a bucket and carrying it with him until he can give it to their parents at pick up. Miss Melissa came to my class to give them a lecture about what they can and can’t do with their phones. Abel took up about five minutes asking extremely detailed questions, such as what to do when his brother has called him three times and has left voicemails every time. Miss Melissa later admitted to me that she would not have spent nearly as long answering his questions if she had known that he doesn’t even have a cellphone.
April 5: The classroom smelled slightly like vinegar when I unlocked the door. All the windows were still closed for some reason, and I opened them all to let the breeze in. When my kids entered, like acted like it was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to anyone. They wretched and screamed. A few came running back outside, claiming they couldn’t be in there. They claimed it smelled like diarrhea.
April 6: We have been meeting with our counselor in a new room. It has shelves of toys running along the back wall. It’s the wall we face during the session, so it can be pretty distracting. Sometimes, it’s easier to look at an electric blue dinosaur than talk about what fills me with dread. She says that they usually use the toys during sessions with kids. They have the child pick a few, ones to represent themselves and other aspects of their lives and then have them interact with each other. I wondered if this strategy might work best on my kids or between Nick and me.
April 7: When I taught Girl Power, we spent 15 minutes at the start of every class to have a check-in. They would mostly talk about things that we’re bothering them. They were the sort of things I had been dealing with all my life and was sad to hear were already affecting them when most of them were only 9. They hated their bodies and had already been told they were fat and should go on diets. They had been told they aren’t as smart as boys and they gossip too much. They dropped the soccer team when they were disgusted by the constant “ballsack” jokes all the boys made. I would end the check-ins with quotes from the woman of the week and I would go on to teach my lesson, pretending I had the same courage they had.
Spending the day with Nick’s family made me feel so helpless and stupid. They said the same hurtful and sexist things that my girls had heard too many times and I just sat there, saying nothing. How women don’t drive as well as men and how Christiana should wear a really short skirt to her in-person interview if she wants the job. I didn’t try to stop them, so they just kept going. It made me feel like I had failed my class.
much love,
hedgie
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