May 17: For the third year in a row, Abel didn’t want to attend the March To College, but was signed up for it anyway. Halfway through the walk, he stopped supporting his head and let it flop around on top of his neck. He walked so slowly that we were being overtaken by the mothers pushing strollers and holding the hand of lettering toddlers. But as soon as the pizza came out, he was fast as lightning, disappearing for a second slice in the few moments it took for Melissa to hand me my sign out sheet.
May 18: Katie never played MASH in elementary school, so Heidi and I decided to show her how it’s done. It’s surprisingly difficult to fill out all the categories. It took her a full five minutes to come up with three possible husbands. In the end, she ended up marrying Mike Pence, having 23 kids with him in their apartment. She drove a jeep to her job being a professional surfer and her pet is Dobby, but both ends are a butt.
May 19: The neighbors across from us have put a Trump piñata in their window. It just sits there with its arms outstretched onto the sill and a look of horror on its face. It scares me every time I see it when I cross the living room because it looks like someone staring in at us.
May 20: During meditation, Valerye and Gwendolyn were huddled in the corner. Valerie tried to get my attention. “Miss Heather, do you want to smell something?”
I said no without looking up from my sign out sheet. Nothing good could ever come from that question.
May 21: When I came in to work, Jen was alone in the bungalow. She started talking about how Sirprince had threatened to bring a backpack of knives and kill all the teachers in the school. The chair next to her moved and Fernando popped his head out from behind his jacket to add a comment. His power naps are now so stealthy I spent ten minutes in a room with him without even realizing that he was there.
May 22: The school is holding the Caine’s Arcade event on Friday. The upper grades make games out of cardboard boxes for the younger grades and let them win prizes. Cardboard boxes have been abandoned in the hallways all week. It has brought out the cat in Abel. Every day this week when I have come out of pick up, he is sitting inside of a box and refuses to come out. He tries to scoot it forward only to rip it apart within minutes.
May 23: Today, Maria told her students that she wouldn’t be returning next year. They asked her, what about the year after that?
May 24: Jen has been running up and down the stairs all day to deal with Adrian. She asked me for a Tylenol as soon as I came in because her left buttcheek won’t stop twitching. She is starting to suspect that it is now her superpower, her spidey-sense. Her butt can tell when Adrian is up to no good.
much love,
hedgie
Friday, May 24, 2019
Thursday, May 16, 2019
where the blood was
May 9: A window on the third story got broken today. It took so many teachers to keep kids away from it. Adrian was with us when we got the news and he immediately ran outside, asking where the blood was. They had to break the rest of the window completely out of the sill and place a woodblock to cover it so no kid would stick their finger in it and cut themselves.
May 10: While getting everyone ready to head back to the school after Field Day, a fight broke out. Fernando saw Teacher P. grab one of the students by the arm and yell at them to stop. By recess, the kid was telling other kids that Teacher P. had grabbed him by the middle and was shaking him so hard that his lunch was coming back up his throat and making it hard for him to breath. By the time the rumor was overheard by teachers and they could attempt to put a stop to it, it had turned into a story about how Teacher P. had chocked a student.
May 11: It’s weird to have emotional baggage when you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to help, but knows nothing of what it’s like to carry all that weight. It’s like having a suitcase superglued to your hand. You tell the person that if they went out and got some nail polish remover, it could really help you out. So they go out, but they come back with a bouquet of roses. It’s very nice of them, of course, but it doesn’t help you do what is needed. Then they just get upset that you still have the suitcase and frustrated that their kind efforts aren’t being appreciated.
May 12: My first memory of Mother’s Day was of me and my brothers helping dad set up lunch for mom in the living room of the house in LA. It was the first time I had ever seen sushi and I was so confused by the little bright orange balls on top. I thought it might be some kind of sprinkles and couldn’t understand it when dad explained they were actually fish eggs.
May 13: Last week, Luna found a bunch of noodles in the sink when she went to get a drink of water. They are still there. I also found a raw, loose potato. A new stem was growing out of one of its eyes. How long has it been here?
May 14: Adrian was having a particularly bad day. He ran away from Mr. Powers and slipped into the bungalow. Mr. Fernando opened his arms wide and asked Adrian for a hug. When Adrian ran over to him and hugged him, Fernando wrapped his arms around his middle, picked him up, and carried him back outside.
May 15: Snapchat has released a filter that can switch a user from a man to a woman or a woman to a man. Maria tried it on me. I looked exactly like Ryan, but with glasses.
May 16: Before the applause died down at the end of Hamilton, both Katie and Heidi told me they now understood my obsession with it and why I kept insisting on playing it during road trips. Heidi bought the CD and Katie bought the book that goes through how the musical was made. As soon as we got to our apartment, we played the original cast recording on the Google Home and took turns reading out little factoids to each other from Katie’s book.
much love,
hedgie
May 10: While getting everyone ready to head back to the school after Field Day, a fight broke out. Fernando saw Teacher P. grab one of the students by the arm and yell at them to stop. By recess, the kid was telling other kids that Teacher P. had grabbed him by the middle and was shaking him so hard that his lunch was coming back up his throat and making it hard for him to breath. By the time the rumor was overheard by teachers and they could attempt to put a stop to it, it had turned into a story about how Teacher P. had chocked a student.
May 11: It’s weird to have emotional baggage when you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to help, but knows nothing of what it’s like to carry all that weight. It’s like having a suitcase superglued to your hand. You tell the person that if they went out and got some nail polish remover, it could really help you out. So they go out, but they come back with a bouquet of roses. It’s very nice of them, of course, but it doesn’t help you do what is needed. Then they just get upset that you still have the suitcase and frustrated that their kind efforts aren’t being appreciated.
May 12: My first memory of Mother’s Day was of me and my brothers helping dad set up lunch for mom in the living room of the house in LA. It was the first time I had ever seen sushi and I was so confused by the little bright orange balls on top. I thought it might be some kind of sprinkles and couldn’t understand it when dad explained they were actually fish eggs.
May 13: Last week, Luna found a bunch of noodles in the sink when she went to get a drink of water. They are still there. I also found a raw, loose potato. A new stem was growing out of one of its eyes. How long has it been here?
May 14: Adrian was having a particularly bad day. He ran away from Mr. Powers and slipped into the bungalow. Mr. Fernando opened his arms wide and asked Adrian for a hug. When Adrian ran over to him and hugged him, Fernando wrapped his arms around his middle, picked him up, and carried him back outside.
May 15: Snapchat has released a filter that can switch a user from a man to a woman or a woman to a man. Maria tried it on me. I looked exactly like Ryan, but with glasses.
May 16: Before the applause died down at the end of Hamilton, both Katie and Heidi told me they now understood my obsession with it and why I kept insisting on playing it during road trips. Heidi bought the CD and Katie bought the book that goes through how the musical was made. As soon as we got to our apartment, we played the original cast recording on the Google Home and took turns reading out little factoids to each other from Katie’s book.
much love,
hedgie
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
sorry, bitch.
May 1: A first grader was sent to spend lunch with us in the bungalow because he wouldn’t stop shouting ’shut up bitch’. His day teacher tried to deal with this by ignoring him. That just made him yell it louder. When he came to our bungalow, he told Ana he would fuck her up. Then he apologized by saying “sorry, bitch”.
May 2: I brought in two tubs of play dough as one of my after-homework centers. They were bright orange and a murky yellow that had pulled up dirt from tabletops and mixed together with a little of an old brown play dough. Within five minutes, my kids pointed out that these colors were all they needed to make Trump out of play dough.
May 3: Abel has been borrowing books from the library six at a time. I repeatedly told him to only take one book out of the classroom with him, but he insists on carrying all of them all day long. He won’t put them in his backpack, so he shoves all of them into the front pocket of his sweater as if I won’t notice the giant bulge sagging from his stomach like a mother kangaroo carrying her baby.
May 4: Even when I do take a break from seeing Nick’s family, I still am not completely free of them. They don’t notice me or talk to me when I do go, but they all take notice when I’m not there. They will ask where I am, what I’m doing, and tell Nick to say that they missed me. I don’t believe them when they say these things, but Nick still does.
May 5: After the final movie of the Silent Film Festival, Nick and I walked a few blocks away from the Castro Theater to find a better spot for calling Lyft. Due to the rampant day drinking, in the three blocks we walked through, we saw a group of men taking selfies while standing on the solid double yellow lines in the middle of the road and three couple having very loud and public breakups.
May 6: The community circle question was about what we would wish for if we were granted three wishes. It amazed me how they could go wildly from wishing for big ad mundane things. David wished for a million dollars and a new pair of shoes because the one he was wearing were dirty. Joanna wanted to become a famous dancer and for her brother to be nicer to her. Orlando wanted unlimited wishes and to not have to share a bedroom with his brother.
May 7: Today is Melissa’s birthday, so we spent our morning going about the regular Mission Graduate birthday tradition: knowing for weeks the birthday was coming up, but scrambling at the last minute to come up with presents. Jen dug in her prize box and brought out packets of Tajin, a bead bracelet, and a plastic tiger. Abel had stolen all of our regular balloons, so I made a balloon dog. Maria made a balloon worm. The flowers Ana bought her had to be put in a water pitcher because we didn’t have a vase.
May 8: I’ve been called by a lot of names during my years at this school, and not just bad ones when kids are angry at me for making them practice lines or apologize to the person they punched in the face. I have been called by every teacher’s name, even the male ones. I have been called “mom” by almost all of my students at one point. Today, Abel called me “grandma”. That one hurt.
much love,
hedgie
May 2: I brought in two tubs of play dough as one of my after-homework centers. They were bright orange and a murky yellow that had pulled up dirt from tabletops and mixed together with a little of an old brown play dough. Within five minutes, my kids pointed out that these colors were all they needed to make Trump out of play dough.
May 3: Abel has been borrowing books from the library six at a time. I repeatedly told him to only take one book out of the classroom with him, but he insists on carrying all of them all day long. He won’t put them in his backpack, so he shoves all of them into the front pocket of his sweater as if I won’t notice the giant bulge sagging from his stomach like a mother kangaroo carrying her baby.
May 4: Even when I do take a break from seeing Nick’s family, I still am not completely free of them. They don’t notice me or talk to me when I do go, but they all take notice when I’m not there. They will ask where I am, what I’m doing, and tell Nick to say that they missed me. I don’t believe them when they say these things, but Nick still does.
May 5: After the final movie of the Silent Film Festival, Nick and I walked a few blocks away from the Castro Theater to find a better spot for calling Lyft. Due to the rampant day drinking, in the three blocks we walked through, we saw a group of men taking selfies while standing on the solid double yellow lines in the middle of the road and three couple having very loud and public breakups.
May 6: The community circle question was about what we would wish for if we were granted three wishes. It amazed me how they could go wildly from wishing for big ad mundane things. David wished for a million dollars and a new pair of shoes because the one he was wearing were dirty. Joanna wanted to become a famous dancer and for her brother to be nicer to her. Orlando wanted unlimited wishes and to not have to share a bedroom with his brother.
May 7: Today is Melissa’s birthday, so we spent our morning going about the regular Mission Graduate birthday tradition: knowing for weeks the birthday was coming up, but scrambling at the last minute to come up with presents. Jen dug in her prize box and brought out packets of Tajin, a bead bracelet, and a plastic tiger. Abel had stolen all of our regular balloons, so I made a balloon dog. Maria made a balloon worm. The flowers Ana bought her had to be put in a water pitcher because we didn’t have a vase.
May 8: I’ve been called by a lot of names during my years at this school, and not just bad ones when kids are angry at me for making them practice lines or apologize to the person they punched in the face. I have been called by every teacher’s name, even the male ones. I have been called “mom” by almost all of my students at one point. Today, Abel called me “grandma”. That one hurt.
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Give me back my heart and my wagons
April 24: It was another hot day and I brought my spray bottle to recess. This time, I told them that the way to show me that they wanted to be sprayed was by paying me a compliment. At first, they complimented me for being a great teacher. Then they had to move on to saying they liked my clothes, my hair, the pins in my lanyard. Luna was having trouble thinking of something new. She stood in front of me for a few moments, tapping her foot on the ground as she searched the recesses of her mind fr something kind to say. “You’re almost as cool as I am.”
I smiled, accepted, and shot a stream of lukewarm tap water into her face.
April 25: We did Blackout Poetry today. I gave my students pages from books that were already falling apart and they highlighted the words they liked to form a sentence and blacked out everything else so only their chosen words remained. Luna was one of the first to finish. Her read: Give me back my heart and my wagons.
April 26: The dance class took over the cafeteria, so we had to do the slime party in the front yard. Miss Patty was supposed to be on response duty while we were with the students who had earned enough tickets to participate. Instead, she stood by as and watched us set up, saying she was really glad we got stuck with this job, otherwise, she might be the one who had to do it. Then while in the middle of making slime with the kids, she decided she wanted some. She went up to each of us individually and shoved a bowl in our faces, asking if we could give her some. She did this to people who were very busy helping kids mix their slime, to people who had the food coloring and were nowhere near the slime, and when half the kids hadn’t gotten their share yet. Then she kept playing with the part she managed to snag and talking about how the teachers were going to be mad at her for not being in the classrooms like she was supposed to.
April 27: We have to grind Addie’s nails because years ago, Nick cut her wick while clipping her nails and now she starts screeching if we get the clippers anywhere near her paws. It is a two-person operation to grind her nails. We both put on face masks and I pull Addie into my lap with her legs sticking up into the air. I wrap my arms around her, just under her front legs, and put one leg around her hips to keep her in place. Even then, it’s difficult to keep her still and she often smashes the top of her head into my face.
April 28: I started writing this novel a year ago. I am at chapter 22 of 26. I have written 85,725 words. And the closer I get to completing it, the more I am struck with fear. I can’t keep worrying that I could spend years of my life working on something that no one will want.
April 29: Only one of the four soccer coaches was able to show up today. He was used to having maybe four kids per teacher and he was now greatly outnumbered by the kids and was having trouble getting all of them to focus and work together. He tried to see how many hits they could get before the volleyball hit the ground. They averaged 3. Then I told them I would buy them all ice cream if they got to 20. On the next round, they jumped up to 13.
April 30: Fernando’s boys aren’t allowed to go in pairs to the bathroom anymore. They have to go one at a time and all three immediately said they needed the restroom as soon as they came in from recess for Yearbook Squad. I told them they would have to wait fifteen minutes because I called for bathroom/water five minutes before recess ended and that was their time to go. Vincent immediately said he was going to pee both on himself and on Teacher Patel’s desk. I told him to go ahead. I’m sure his mother would love to hear me tell that story. It’s so strange to watch 11-year olds think they are so tough and gangster when they are so tiny.
much love,
hedgie
I smiled, accepted, and shot a stream of lukewarm tap water into her face.
April 25: We did Blackout Poetry today. I gave my students pages from books that were already falling apart and they highlighted the words they liked to form a sentence and blacked out everything else so only their chosen words remained. Luna was one of the first to finish. Her read: Give me back my heart and my wagons.
April 26: The dance class took over the cafeteria, so we had to do the slime party in the front yard. Miss Patty was supposed to be on response duty while we were with the students who had earned enough tickets to participate. Instead, she stood by as and watched us set up, saying she was really glad we got stuck with this job, otherwise, she might be the one who had to do it. Then while in the middle of making slime with the kids, she decided she wanted some. She went up to each of us individually and shoved a bowl in our faces, asking if we could give her some. She did this to people who were very busy helping kids mix their slime, to people who had the food coloring and were nowhere near the slime, and when half the kids hadn’t gotten their share yet. Then she kept playing with the part she managed to snag and talking about how the teachers were going to be mad at her for not being in the classrooms like she was supposed to.
April 27: We have to grind Addie’s nails because years ago, Nick cut her wick while clipping her nails and now she starts screeching if we get the clippers anywhere near her paws. It is a two-person operation to grind her nails. We both put on face masks and I pull Addie into my lap with her legs sticking up into the air. I wrap my arms around her, just under her front legs, and put one leg around her hips to keep her in place. Even then, it’s difficult to keep her still and she often smashes the top of her head into my face.
April 28: I started writing this novel a year ago. I am at chapter 22 of 26. I have written 85,725 words. And the closer I get to completing it, the more I am struck with fear. I can’t keep worrying that I could spend years of my life working on something that no one will want.
April 29: Only one of the four soccer coaches was able to show up today. He was used to having maybe four kids per teacher and he was now greatly outnumbered by the kids and was having trouble getting all of them to focus and work together. He tried to see how many hits they could get before the volleyball hit the ground. They averaged 3. Then I told them I would buy them all ice cream if they got to 20. On the next round, they jumped up to 13.
April 30: Fernando’s boys aren’t allowed to go in pairs to the bathroom anymore. They have to go one at a time and all three immediately said they needed the restroom as soon as they came in from recess for Yearbook Squad. I told them they would have to wait fifteen minutes because I called for bathroom/water five minutes before recess ended and that was their time to go. Vincent immediately said he was going to pee both on himself and on Teacher Patel’s desk. I told him to go ahead. I’m sure his mother would love to hear me tell that story. It’s so strange to watch 11-year olds think they are so tough and gangster when they are so tiny.
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
DJ Tendinitis
April 17: The boys were having trouble focusing on the STEM project, so I put them into different groups. Dora and Gwendolyn had already worked out a plan when he finally went over. He didn’t like it. He sat with his arms crossed and the only words that left his mouth were “It’s not going to work”. They taped the dixie cups to the bottom of their boat and he was sure that it would sink. When it was time for them to present their creation, Acie sat in the back and cupped his hands over his mouth to make sure that he drowned out everything they said with “It’s bad! It’s bad!”. I had to get Miss Melissa to remove him. When the class settled down after his exit, we tested Dora and Gwendolyn’s boat. It worked.
April 18: It was so hot during recess that a few of my kids snuck to the garden, filled the watering cans, and watered each other. I told them before recess that they were not allowed to play any water games. Miss Jessica told them to stop when she saw it happening. Mr. Fernando told them to also stop when he saw it happening. Allison ended up so soaked that she had to wring out her shirt. Even then, she was too sopping wet to go into a classroom during electives.
April 19: Miss Connie was out sick today, so Miss Melissa took over her class. One of her boys kept pulling at the crotch of his pants. Miss Melissa went over to him and squatted down to get to his eye-level. “Do you need to go potty?”
“No,” he answered casually. “I’m just stretching my penis.”
Miss Melissa immediately stood up. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do about that. She threw her arms up in the air. “I guess.”
April 20: All the electronic traffic signs on the freeway reminded everyone that if they drive high, they will get a DUI. I read the rhyme about a dozen times before I finally figured out that it was 4/20 today.
April 21: It has been well over a year since all these people were gathered in one place. The phrase I heard most often was “so what have you been up to?”. The question was never once directed at me.
April 22: The bread lady came back again today with another load of bread that was the size of a newborn baby. One of our late pickups, a first grader, wanted to take one home. She waited until she saw her mom walking towards the bungalow through the window and then ran to stand right behind the door. As soon as her mom opened the door, she got too excited and swung the loaf of bread directly into her face.
April 23: The staff meeting was all about showing appreciation for each other. The directors were all given a day’s notice to give us all award titles that were printed on gold address labels and stuck onto plastic award topped with a gold star. Melissa was given “Most Inspirational Leader”. Ana got “Best Chef/Security Guard/IT Person/Mom”. Mr. Chris had “The Nicest Person in the world. Miss Vivi was the “Four Square Champion”. Miss Connie was “The Kinder Whisperer”. Fernando won for “Most Patient and Best at Power Naps”. I won had “Most Likely to Have a Fun Fact”. Miss Maria had the award for “Most Popping DJ”. She almost dropped her award because she was wearing a new wrist brace and we dubbed her “DJ Tendinitis”. We let Edwin give Miss Jen her “Loca Mama” award, but he got confused and read that she got the award for “Local Momo”.
much love,
hedgie
April 18: It was so hot during recess that a few of my kids snuck to the garden, filled the watering cans, and watered each other. I told them before recess that they were not allowed to play any water games. Miss Jessica told them to stop when she saw it happening. Mr. Fernando told them to also stop when he saw it happening. Allison ended up so soaked that she had to wring out her shirt. Even then, she was too sopping wet to go into a classroom during electives.
April 19: Miss Connie was out sick today, so Miss Melissa took over her class. One of her boys kept pulling at the crotch of his pants. Miss Melissa went over to him and squatted down to get to his eye-level. “Do you need to go potty?”
“No,” he answered casually. “I’m just stretching my penis.”
Miss Melissa immediately stood up. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do about that. She threw her arms up in the air. “I guess.”
April 20: All the electronic traffic signs on the freeway reminded everyone that if they drive high, they will get a DUI. I read the rhyme about a dozen times before I finally figured out that it was 4/20 today.
April 21: It has been well over a year since all these people were gathered in one place. The phrase I heard most often was “so what have you been up to?”. The question was never once directed at me.
April 22: The bread lady came back again today with another load of bread that was the size of a newborn baby. One of our late pickups, a first grader, wanted to take one home. She waited until she saw her mom walking towards the bungalow through the window and then ran to stand right behind the door. As soon as her mom opened the door, she got too excited and swung the loaf of bread directly into her face.
April 23: The staff meeting was all about showing appreciation for each other. The directors were all given a day’s notice to give us all award titles that were printed on gold address labels and stuck onto plastic award topped with a gold star. Melissa was given “Most Inspirational Leader”. Ana got “Best Chef/Security Guard/IT Person/Mom”. Mr. Chris had “The Nicest Person in the world. Miss Vivi was the “Four Square Champion”. Miss Connie was “The Kinder Whisperer”. Fernando won for “Most Patient and Best at Power Naps”. I won had “Most Likely to Have a Fun Fact”. Miss Maria had the award for “Most Popping DJ”. She almost dropped her award because she was wearing a new wrist brace and we dubbed her “DJ Tendinitis”. We let Edwin give Miss Jen her “Loca Mama” award, but he got confused and read that she got the award for “Local Momo”.
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
roughly 85% popcorn kernels
April 8: We finally had all the Monday Clubs today. Volleyball was just wrapping up when it began to sprinkle. I was about to lead them back into the school when the fire alarm was pulled. We were all forced to stand in the rain for ten minutes. None of us were prepared for rain, so no one was wearing waterproof clothes. Half the kids didn’t even bring jackets today. There was also a man on the other side of the park who danced in the rain the entire time. It was a very off-kilter day.
April 9: Kelly was the Teacher’s Assistant today and the power went to her head. She sprinted across the cafeteria to be the first in line for snack and gave line up minutes to the kids in class that she did not like. I watched her as she gave Orlando two minutes even though he was sitting quietly and eating his orange at the opposite end of the table. And I’m almost certain she took a bribe of Goldfish Crackers when it was time for her to choose the two students who wiped down the table before we went out to recess.
April 10: Only one egg survived the egg drop challenge, but I’m not sure if it counts because they got too excited and cracked their original egg before I could finish giving everyone their supplies.
April 11: I told everyone at work about the time I tried to play Heads Up, a phone-version of the game Taboo. It was on the category of “Accents and Impressions”, which got very uncomfortable very quickly because no one knew how to play it without becoming racist. Jen didn’t think it would be that hard. I asked how she would play “Italian” and she immediately started naming types of pasta. Then I asked how she would play “Japanese” and she said konichiwa before quickly moving onto Japanese-sounding gibberish. Shoomi-shoomi and other things that just further proved my point. Then I asked how she would play “White”. Maria jumped in by yelling that she would like to speak to a manager. Jen held her hand to her mouth like she was speaking into a phone. “Hello, 911? They are out here barbecuing!”
April 12:
April 14: The Italian deli on Valencia is closing soon. I wondered if they would sell the giant cuts of prosciutto at a discount when they got closer to that day.
“What would we even do with that amount of prosciutto? Sell it on the black market.”
“Maybe we could also buy one of the slicers. I’ll wear a trench coat lined with baggies of it. I will be known as The Mission Pork Princess.”
April 15: Briana made a cat’s cradle with her string. She asked me to stick my hand down through the center opening. When I did, she dropped the two outer openings so that I was left with the string looped once loosely around my wrist. She made a second cat’s cradle with the larger circle left over and asked me to put my hand up through the center opening. She dropped the string from every finger but her thumbs and yanked hard. The string was now an empty circle in her hands as if it had cut through my bones and muscles. I immediately yanked my hand into my sleeve and yelped. I held the handless sleeve up to her and screamed, “What have you done, Briana? What have you done?”
April 16: George suddenly discovered the box of microwaveable popcorn we have kept on the bottom shelf since we first got him three years ago. His poop this morning was roughly 85% popcorn kernels.
much love,
hedgie
April 9: Kelly was the Teacher’s Assistant today and the power went to her head. She sprinted across the cafeteria to be the first in line for snack and gave line up minutes to the kids in class that she did not like. I watched her as she gave Orlando two minutes even though he was sitting quietly and eating his orange at the opposite end of the table. And I’m almost certain she took a bribe of Goldfish Crackers when it was time for her to choose the two students who wiped down the table before we went out to recess.
April 10: Only one egg survived the egg drop challenge, but I’m not sure if it counts because they got too excited and cracked their original egg before I could finish giving everyone their supplies.
April 11: I told everyone at work about the time I tried to play Heads Up, a phone-version of the game Taboo. It was on the category of “Accents and Impressions”, which got very uncomfortable very quickly because no one knew how to play it without becoming racist. Jen didn’t think it would be that hard. I asked how she would play “Italian” and she immediately started naming types of pasta. Then I asked how she would play “Japanese” and she said konichiwa before quickly moving onto Japanese-sounding gibberish. Shoomi-shoomi and other things that just further proved my point. Then I asked how she would play “White”. Maria jumped in by yelling that she would like to speak to a manager. Jen held her hand to her mouth like she was speaking into a phone. “Hello, 911? They are out here barbecuing!”
April 12:
Johana got confused when Moana’s grandmother showed up again in the movie as a sparking blue creature who could appear and vanish within seconds.
“She died!” Briana shouted at her.
“That’s her spirit,” Luna explained, only a little more patiently.
Johana still didn’t quite understand the concept. She just got more confused when the blue visions started incorporating her ancestors, hundreds of men and women sailing on boats across the sea. She looked up at me with her mouth hanging open and her eyebrows sunk close to the bridge of her nose. “Wait. Did the boats die too?”
“She died!” Briana shouted at her.
“That’s her spirit,” Luna explained, only a little more patiently.
Johana still didn’t quite understand the concept. She just got more confused when the blue visions started incorporating her ancestors, hundreds of men and women sailing on boats across the sea. She looked up at me with her mouth hanging open and her eyebrows sunk close to the bridge of her nose. “Wait. Did the boats die too?”
And
My hair has grown out long enough that I can put it up now. I put my hair in a ponytail today and three of my kids claimed they could no longer recognize me because of it.
April 13: Whenever I go online, I read about how scared men are to approach women now. How the feminists are ruining everything because now they think twice before touching people. I smile and know that I am raising a whole generation of little girls that are going to be their worst nightmare.April 14: The Italian deli on Valencia is closing soon. I wondered if they would sell the giant cuts of prosciutto at a discount when they got closer to that day.
“What would we even do with that amount of prosciutto? Sell it on the black market.”
“Maybe we could also buy one of the slicers. I’ll wear a trench coat lined with baggies of it. I will be known as The Mission Pork Princess.”
April 15: Briana made a cat’s cradle with her string. She asked me to stick my hand down through the center opening. When I did, she dropped the two outer openings so that I was left with the string looped once loosely around my wrist. She made a second cat’s cradle with the larger circle left over and asked me to put my hand up through the center opening. She dropped the string from every finger but her thumbs and yanked hard. The string was now an empty circle in her hands as if it had cut through my bones and muscles. I immediately yanked my hand into my sleeve and yelped. I held the handless sleeve up to her and screamed, “What have you done, Briana? What have you done?”
April 16: George suddenly discovered the box of microwaveable popcorn we have kept on the bottom shelf since we first got him three years ago. His poop this morning was roughly 85% popcorn kernels.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, April 7, 2019
mountain of frosting
April 1: My journal prompt today was for everyone to describe a prank they would like to play on their families. Almost all of them said they would do the Oreo prank where they scrape out the frosting from between the two cookies and replace it with toothpaste. But I think that mostly has to do with them wanting to eat the mountain of frosting that would be leftover.
April 2: We don’t have the same way of fixing problems. When his dad asks us about what we have been up to lately and Nick describes our recent vacation, he reacts by either telling us that sounds boring or that it is somehow a scam. Nick wants to fight back by proving his dad wrong, telling him about how fun it actually was. I want to fight back by showing him its not okay to treat people this way. You can’t demand someone share something personal with you, immediately dismiss it, and then expect them to keep talking to you. It’s like how he responds when I talk about how distant his family is to me. He will say that my family is better at that kind of thing. But what I want him to realize is that it’s not okay for me to be treated this way. It’s not okay for a group of people to repeatedly make me feel like I don’t matter.
Sometimes, it feels like his family only values people based on what services they can provide for them. That’s why they don’t really care for me. I only give Nick benefits. And that’s why his sister will make plans to stay with us and spend most of the time with other people, because she sees us mainly as a free place to stay in the city and a free car rental. And why Nick has such trouble keeping relationships going when he doesn’t see them everyday. He sees them more as a thing of entertainment or help rather than people. This would also explain why he would get so mad when I had interests outside of him when he lived in San Diego. It ate into the time that was supposed to be devoted to his needs. When we see my friends and family, I don’t expect anything from them besides some of their time. Even if we just sit in the house watching TV, all any of us want is to be near each other.
April 3: Kiara’s mom complained to my bosses that I don’t respond often enough when she texts me to send Kiara down with all of her stuff. Miss Ana told her how I try my hardest, but that I can’t actually answer my phone when I am teaching and how I’m not even supposed to be using my phone unless it is an emergency. She told Kiara’s mom that she needs to find her or any teacher downstairs and they will walkie me when Kiara needs to go home. Kiara’s mom’s response was to make it worse. Now she texts both Miss Ana and me. And she isn’t even going on campus anymore, she tells us to send Kiara out to the front gate, which I’m pretty sure is illegal since we never actually see an approved adult take her.
April 4: We have been having problems with kids being on their cellphones too much during program, especially in the bathroom and under the flower overhang in the garden. Mr. Fernando has even resorted to putting all his students’ cellphones in a bucket and carrying it with him until he can give it to their parents at pick up. Miss Melissa came to my class to give them a lecture about what they can and can’t do with their phones. Abel took up about five minutes asking extremely detailed questions, such as what to do when his brother has called him three times and has left voicemails every time. Miss Melissa later admitted to me that she would not have spent nearly as long answering his questions if she had known that he doesn’t even have a cellphone.
April 5: The classroom smelled slightly like vinegar when I unlocked the door. All the windows were still closed for some reason, and I opened them all to let the breeze in. When my kids entered, like acted like it was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to anyone. They wretched and screamed. A few came running back outside, claiming they couldn’t be in there. They claimed it smelled like diarrhea.
April 6: We have been meeting with our counselor in a new room. It has shelves of toys running along the back wall. It’s the wall we face during the session, so it can be pretty distracting. Sometimes, it’s easier to look at an electric blue dinosaur than talk about what fills me with dread. She says that they usually use the toys during sessions with kids. They have the child pick a few, ones to represent themselves and other aspects of their lives and then have them interact with each other. I wondered if this strategy might work best on my kids or between Nick and me.
April 7: When I taught Girl Power, we spent 15 minutes at the start of every class to have a check-in. They would mostly talk about things that we’re bothering them. They were the sort of things I had been dealing with all my life and was sad to hear were already affecting them when most of them were only 9. They hated their bodies and had already been told they were fat and should go on diets. They had been told they aren’t as smart as boys and they gossip too much. They dropped the soccer team when they were disgusted by the constant “ballsack” jokes all the boys made. I would end the check-ins with quotes from the woman of the week and I would go on to teach my lesson, pretending I had the same courage they had.
Spending the day with Nick’s family made me feel so helpless and stupid. They said the same hurtful and sexist things that my girls had heard too many times and I just sat there, saying nothing. How women don’t drive as well as men and how Christiana should wear a really short skirt to her in-person interview if she wants the job. I didn’t try to stop them, so they just kept going. It made me feel like I had failed my class.
much love,
hedgie
April 2: We don’t have the same way of fixing problems. When his dad asks us about what we have been up to lately and Nick describes our recent vacation, he reacts by either telling us that sounds boring or that it is somehow a scam. Nick wants to fight back by proving his dad wrong, telling him about how fun it actually was. I want to fight back by showing him its not okay to treat people this way. You can’t demand someone share something personal with you, immediately dismiss it, and then expect them to keep talking to you. It’s like how he responds when I talk about how distant his family is to me. He will say that my family is better at that kind of thing. But what I want him to realize is that it’s not okay for me to be treated this way. It’s not okay for a group of people to repeatedly make me feel like I don’t matter.
Sometimes, it feels like his family only values people based on what services they can provide for them. That’s why they don’t really care for me. I only give Nick benefits. And that’s why his sister will make plans to stay with us and spend most of the time with other people, because she sees us mainly as a free place to stay in the city and a free car rental. And why Nick has such trouble keeping relationships going when he doesn’t see them everyday. He sees them more as a thing of entertainment or help rather than people. This would also explain why he would get so mad when I had interests outside of him when he lived in San Diego. It ate into the time that was supposed to be devoted to his needs. When we see my friends and family, I don’t expect anything from them besides some of their time. Even if we just sit in the house watching TV, all any of us want is to be near each other.
April 3: Kiara’s mom complained to my bosses that I don’t respond often enough when she texts me to send Kiara down with all of her stuff. Miss Ana told her how I try my hardest, but that I can’t actually answer my phone when I am teaching and how I’m not even supposed to be using my phone unless it is an emergency. She told Kiara’s mom that she needs to find her or any teacher downstairs and they will walkie me when Kiara needs to go home. Kiara’s mom’s response was to make it worse. Now she texts both Miss Ana and me. And she isn’t even going on campus anymore, she tells us to send Kiara out to the front gate, which I’m pretty sure is illegal since we never actually see an approved adult take her.
April 4: We have been having problems with kids being on their cellphones too much during program, especially in the bathroom and under the flower overhang in the garden. Mr. Fernando has even resorted to putting all his students’ cellphones in a bucket and carrying it with him until he can give it to their parents at pick up. Miss Melissa came to my class to give them a lecture about what they can and can’t do with their phones. Abel took up about five minutes asking extremely detailed questions, such as what to do when his brother has called him three times and has left voicemails every time. Miss Melissa later admitted to me that she would not have spent nearly as long answering his questions if she had known that he doesn’t even have a cellphone.
April 5: The classroom smelled slightly like vinegar when I unlocked the door. All the windows were still closed for some reason, and I opened them all to let the breeze in. When my kids entered, like acted like it was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to anyone. They wretched and screamed. A few came running back outside, claiming they couldn’t be in there. They claimed it smelled like diarrhea.
April 6: We have been meeting with our counselor in a new room. It has shelves of toys running along the back wall. It’s the wall we face during the session, so it can be pretty distracting. Sometimes, it’s easier to look at an electric blue dinosaur than talk about what fills me with dread. She says that they usually use the toys during sessions with kids. They have the child pick a few, ones to represent themselves and other aspects of their lives and then have them interact with each other. I wondered if this strategy might work best on my kids or between Nick and me.
April 7: When I taught Girl Power, we spent 15 minutes at the start of every class to have a check-in. They would mostly talk about things that we’re bothering them. They were the sort of things I had been dealing with all my life and was sad to hear were already affecting them when most of them were only 9. They hated their bodies and had already been told they were fat and should go on diets. They had been told they aren’t as smart as boys and they gossip too much. They dropped the soccer team when they were disgusted by the constant “ballsack” jokes all the boys made. I would end the check-ins with quotes from the woman of the week and I would go on to teach my lesson, pretending I had the same courage they had.
Spending the day with Nick’s family made me feel so helpless and stupid. They said the same hurtful and sexist things that my girls had heard too many times and I just sat there, saying nothing. How women don’t drive as well as men and how Christiana should wear a really short skirt to her in-person interview if she wants the job. I didn’t try to stop them, so they just kept going. It made me feel like I had failed my class.
much love,
hedgie
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