October 24: My students have come up with a lot of nicknames to refer to people in my dad’s class without having to actually learn their names. They call my dad KFC because they think he looks like Colonel Sanders. They favorite students to pick on are Harry Potter and Snorlax.
October 25: Jai'von has little control over his own butt. When all the other students manage to sit in a circle for community time, most kids have issues with staying at the edge of the circle and not creeping towards the center. Given just slowly leans forward until his forehead rests on the carpet, his butt up in the air and slowly swaying in circles.
October 26: We did the whisper challenge today and 90% of the sentences my kids wrote were about poop.
October 27: Flipping through the stained and dog-eared pages of Carter Beats the Devil, I found remnants of my life from the last time I read it. One item was a photo of dad, mom, Ryan, Dylan, and me standing in front of Buchanan Castle in Scotland. It was back before I had glasses and Dylan grew his hair out. Ryan had no tattoos and mom and dad looked so much younger.
October 28: I got a pixie cut today. My hair is so used to being weighed down by longer locks that it is defying gravity and refusing to lie flat. It sticks straight out like I have been struck through with lightning.
October 29: I have been banned from playing certain board games because I play with an objective that is different from what the rules state. My family stopped playing Masterpiece because I would only buy paintings I liked and then refuse to sell. In Kingdomino, I kept buying all the tracts of land that had a cryptozoological creature in it.
October 30: The kids have given me mixed reviews of my hair. A few of them told me it was weird, while more of them starting calling me Mr. Heather. Mostly, they are horrified because I told them that my hair just fell out over the weekend.
October 31: The Color Factory opened with a room that had a wall of strips and scratch and sniff stickers that went along with olfactory memories for each color. The yellow stripe had theater popcorn, a picnic on a sunny day, and grandmother’s perfume. As I knelled down to sniff the last one, I couldn’t help but wonder whose grandmother I was smelling.
much love,
hedgie
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Monday, October 23, 2017
replicant
October 17: The smoke in the air had been so thick while we were away that all of our clean dishes drying near the open window were now coated in a layer of ash.
October 18: Ryan Gosling being a replicant actually makes a lot more sense than him being human
October 19: It’s strangely easy to forget the huge life event that took place a week ago. I will only suddenly remember that we are married when I reach over to hold Nick’s hand and feel his ring in between my fingertips.
October 20: My coworkers now suspect that I may be a murderer. Miss Connie brought in a few milk jugs to make ghosts with her students. I sighed loudly and told her that the correct way to make ghosts was to brutally murder someone. Melissa stopped writing on the whiteboard mid-sentence to turn about and say, “Jesus christ, Heather.”
October 21: I received my first ever jury summons. It told me to report to the Orange County City Hall on December 5th. I filled out an online form to disqualify myself since I do not live in that region anymore. It is my first time selecting ‘married’ on an official document.
October 22: Addie has scabs dotting her forehead from where is repeatedly jabbed her face into Joshua trees while looking for dead things to eat. When the dried up clumps fall come off, they take a fistful of fur with them.
October 23: Nick's sister was going at 6 for an hour or two to see some old friends and wanted to know if we would still be up when she got back. At 8. How old does she think we are?
much love,
hedgie
October 18: Ryan Gosling being a replicant actually makes a lot more sense than him being human
October 19: It’s strangely easy to forget the huge life event that took place a week ago. I will only suddenly remember that we are married when I reach over to hold Nick’s hand and feel his ring in between my fingertips.
October 20: My coworkers now suspect that I may be a murderer. Miss Connie brought in a few milk jugs to make ghosts with her students. I sighed loudly and told her that the correct way to make ghosts was to brutally murder someone. Melissa stopped writing on the whiteboard mid-sentence to turn about and say, “Jesus christ, Heather.”
October 21: I received my first ever jury summons. It told me to report to the Orange County City Hall on December 5th. I filled out an online form to disqualify myself since I do not live in that region anymore. It is my first time selecting ‘married’ on an official document.
October 22: Addie has scabs dotting her forehead from where is repeatedly jabbed her face into Joshua trees while looking for dead things to eat. When the dried up clumps fall come off, they take a fistful of fur with them.
October 23: Nick's sister was going at 6 for an hour or two to see some old friends and wanted to know if we would still be up when she got back. At 8. How old does she think we are?
much love,
hedgie
Monday, October 16, 2017
pretending to have a seizure
October 9: Nick’s dad has been insisting on taking a few minutes in the middle of the ceremony to bless our union. For months, he has refused to take no for an answer. Ryan and Dylan suggest we have a backup plan in case he manages to grab the mic and have his way. A plan that involves me popping a few aka seltzer tablets into my mouth and then pretending to have a seizure.
October 10: California has two seasons: perfect and on fire. It is currently on fire.
October 11: Heidi has a kiddie pool and two stunt kites in the trunk of her car, so she’s pretty much ready for anything.
October 12: The sound that emitted from the quartz bowls in The Integration was like a bee buzzing in the hollow of my head. I could follow the notes from ear to ear to forehead to nasal cavities. Despite the havoc the sound bath wreaked inside of my skull, I was asleep within fifteen minutes.
October 13: Ryan used to think that the little flap of fabric at the bottom of underwear was a secret compartment that he called his pee-pee pocket. He would often store little items in there to give as gifts. Dad still has a jar of stones on his shelf that were delivered to him this way.
October 14: Nick cried when he watched me walk down the aisle with my dad. Andrew had to hand him one of the tissues that Heidi stashed in her bra.
October 15: A betting pool went around for the wedding guests to predict when Nick and I would have our first child. The DJ put his granddaughter’s birthday as his guess, effectively accusing me of already being two months pregnant.
October 16: There are still protests about Nick and I not changing our last names to Lovechanan. I finally found a compromise. It will be my pen name: B.F. Lovechanan.
much love,
hedgie
October 10: California has two seasons: perfect and on fire. It is currently on fire.
October 11: Heidi has a kiddie pool and two stunt kites in the trunk of her car, so she’s pretty much ready for anything.
October 12: The sound that emitted from the quartz bowls in The Integration was like a bee buzzing in the hollow of my head. I could follow the notes from ear to ear to forehead to nasal cavities. Despite the havoc the sound bath wreaked inside of my skull, I was asleep within fifteen minutes.
October 13: Ryan used to think that the little flap of fabric at the bottom of underwear was a secret compartment that he called his pee-pee pocket. He would often store little items in there to give as gifts. Dad still has a jar of stones on his shelf that were delivered to him this way.
October 14: Nick cried when he watched me walk down the aisle with my dad. Andrew had to hand him one of the tissues that Heidi stashed in her bra.
October 15: A betting pool went around for the wedding guests to predict when Nick and I would have our first child. The DJ put his granddaughter’s birthday as his guess, effectively accusing me of already being two months pregnant.
October 16: There are still protests about Nick and I not changing our last names to Lovechanan. I finally found a compromise. It will be my pen name: B.F. Lovechanan.
much love,
hedgie
Sunday, October 8, 2017
HAVE A BABY
October 1: The woman behind us in line at the grocery store cash register was only buying one bag of frozen pasta, a large caramel chocolate bar, and two bottles of rosé.
October 2: I told my kids that I would be gone for a week for my wedding. I asked if they had any questions. Jaivon raised his hand and without waiting for me to call on him, yelled “HAVE A BABY!”
October 3: Scores poetry had our first FaceTime with dad’s creative writing class. The trash talk started immediately. One of the kid favorite insults was “you look like a waffle!”
October 4: David is obsessed with chickens lately. He claims every clothing pattern is of chickens and that he has to put on a helmet when his older brother picks him up because they ride a giant chicken home.
October 5: Melissa hired a new teacher today. We finally have a full staff!
October 6: It was my last day with my kids before I got married. They sang “happy wedding to you” to the tune of the happy birthday song.
October 7: The drag queens asked for all brides to be to go to the stage. There were three of us total. I am apparently too classy for drag queens to make fun of me because they spent only a few seconds examining my ring before moving on to the bachelorette wearing a fake mustache.
October 8: Angi leaned out of the porthole in our suite and wondered out loud if we thought she could spit on the people walking up the ramp and into the Queen Mary. Turns out, she could.
much love,
hedgie
October 2: I told my kids that I would be gone for a week for my wedding. I asked if they had any questions. Jaivon raised his hand and without waiting for me to call on him, yelled “HAVE A BABY!”
October 3: Scores poetry had our first FaceTime with dad’s creative writing class. The trash talk started immediately. One of the kid favorite insults was “you look like a waffle!”
October 4: David is obsessed with chickens lately. He claims every clothing pattern is of chickens and that he has to put on a helmet when his older brother picks him up because they ride a giant chicken home.
October 5: Melissa hired a new teacher today. We finally have a full staff!
October 6: It was my last day with my kids before I got married. They sang “happy wedding to you” to the tune of the happy birthday song.
October 7: The drag queens asked for all brides to be to go to the stage. There were three of us total. I am apparently too classy for drag queens to make fun of me because they spent only a few seconds examining my ring before moving on to the bachelorette wearing a fake mustache.
October 8: Angi leaned out of the porthole in our suite and wondered out loud if we thought she could spit on the people walking up the ramp and into the Queen Mary. Turns out, she could.
much love,
hedgie
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